Mr. Kaley Cuoco Is Going To Regret This Stellar Idea

Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.

Ryan put a picture of this giant ass “Kaley” tattoo on his Instagram (which, by the way, is “ryansweething” and yeah, I did one of these followed by this).

Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?

Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).

(Pic: Instagram)

ABC Really Missed Out By Not Having Jenny McCarthy On “The Bachelorette”

Trust Baba Wawa to tell previously agreed upon and not at all staged secrets.

On Tuesday’s episode of The View (via HuffPo), Barbara Walters blabbed that Jenny McCarthy begged ABC to let her be on The Bachelorette back in 2005 after she divorced John Asher.

“No one knew that!” McCarthy exclaimed. “When I got a divorce, I was lonely. I needed to be loved.”

Auditioning for a reality show isn’t exactly the most typical reaction to a break up, and McCarthy seems to admit that it was a bit of a snap decision. “I was single and I loved TV. Put those together and I thought, ‘Brilliant!‘”

“I was single and I loved being a famewhore on TV“. There, Jenny. Fixed it for you.

ABC denied her ass even after Jenny had her agent call the network and said they were not using celebrities at that time. Since Jenny is the epitome of class and grace (and the poster child for desperate, needy bitches), ABC really shit the bed on that one. Imagine a season of The Bachelorette filled with farts, queefs, pit sniffing and Jenny humping the legs of all the contestants while holding up her original Playboy spread (NSFW) and saying, “I know you’d fuck me, but would you marry me?”

Jenny packed up it up after the rejection and ran into the arms of Jim Carrey that same year. They were together until 2010 and I’m surprised she didn’t try to pitch herself to the network again after the break up.

“Yeah, ABC? It’s Jenny McCarthy’s agent again. We’d like to give you another opportunity to have Jenny be your next Bachelorette. She just has a few changes she’d like to see happen. Yeah, instead of a rose, she’d like to hand out pamphlets on the dangers of vaccine- hello? HELLO?!?!???”

(Pic: Splash)

What In Bowl Cut Hell Is This, Miley?

What in the name of Simple Jack chipmunk fuck is going on with Miley Cyrus’s hair? How does something like this even happen? The conversation between her and whoever is responsible for this mess must have gone something like this:

Miley: Bowl cut.

Hairdresser: Like Dumb & Dumber?

Miley: Worse.

Hairdresser: The Three Stooges?

Miley: Worse.

Hairdresser: Okay, I can do this in the front, this in the back, keep the underneath poo brown and then dye the top a few shades lighter than Relevant Aaron Carter.

Miley: Perfect!

Aside from that hair that really brings out the derp in Miley’s face, with those high waisted suspender pants and belly shirt, she looks like any girl at my high school in the 90’s (yeah, I’m fucking old). She’s missing these supersexy lug sole shoes and an ankh necklace, but the resemblance is still there. I tried to pull shit like that off but my mom always bought my clothes three sizes too big insisting I’d grow into them and wouldn’t let me show my belly so I had to stuff a long shirt into REALLY baggy pants. With my off-brand platform patent leather black and white spectator shoes, I was some green makeup and a fedora away from looking like the fucking Mask dressed up for prom.

Here are some more pics of Miley looking like a peroxided gloster canary.

(Pics: FameFlynet)

Thor And His Wife Are Expecting Twins

Chris Hemsworth and his wife, Elsa Pataky, are expecting twins this spring according to Hola! (via EOnline). Michael K. has already thrown out Loki as a name suggestion for one of the babies and I’m totally down for an Avengers theme across the board here. Honestly, I just want to see Chris do an interview and say, “Loki, Captain Iron Hulk Eye and their mother are doing just fine“. I also nominate Tom Hiddleston as the godfather until the world implodes from the bursting of ovaries the first time a picture of him holding the babies circulates around the internet. I’m also hoping Chris attends the delivery in character as Thor just to see if he does this after the first baby comes out.

Chris and Elsa already have a one-year-old daughter named India Rose, so maybe they’re one of those couples who names their children after where they were conceived like Bryce Dallas Howard’s parents. As long as they don’t get too specific, that could turn out okay but even if they do, something like twins both named Backseat Chevy Astro Hemsworth wouldn’t be too out of place with the Pilot Inspektors and Moxie Crimefighters of Hollywood.

(Pic: Wenn)

Kim Kardashian Is Filing A Police Report Against The Kid Kanye Punched

Kim Kardashian has already met with her lawyer following Kanye West becoming a suspect in a criminal battery investigation following yesterday’s weird ass scuffle in a chiropractor’s office after an 18-year-old threw a bunch of racial slurs at Kim, then patiently waited for Kanye to show up to whomp on his ass. Sources told TMZ the man screamed, “I WILL KILL YOU, SLUT!” and they say she is going to file a police report over the death threat as a counterattack to Kanye’s suspect status.

JUST over the death threat, right? Because if you can go to jail for calling Kim a slut, most of the Dlisted community is fucked (but then again, this could be a great opportunity for a meet up as long as everybody is okay with wearing orange jump suits instead of the Slut Dress and lucite heels).

TMZ also said that given Kanye’s general inability to keep his damn hands to himself and his pending battery charges stemming from an attack on a pap at LAX, he may be F-U-C-K fucked if charges are brought following this investigation. Maybe it’s the mix of meds I took trying to make my stupid face stop hurting from a sinus infection, but this whole thing is so confusing. I don’t get why that kid stuck around to wait for Kanye unless he’s related to this previous Open Post host. I’m also torn between wanting to scream, “use your words, not your hands you idiot motherfucker!” at Kanye and the self loathing that comes with even suggesting he should talk any more than he already fucking has.

(Pic: Splash)

When Will These Assholes Learn: The David O. Russell Edition

David O.Russell, the director of American Hustle and Silver Linings Playbook, is joining Tom Cruise and Kanye in the Head Up Your Ass club after comparing Jennifer Lawrence’s Hunger Games schedule to slavery to The New York Daily News’ Confidenti@l (via EOnline).

“I personally think they should give her a bit of breathing room over there because they’re printing money. But she’s a very alive person.“

“I’ll tell you what it is about that girl—talk about 12 years of slavery, that’s what the franchise is,” the screenwriter continued. “And I’m going to get in so much trouble for saying that.” Russell, 55, also compared The Hunger Games to a “hamster wheel” and claimed Lawrence takes on more artistic roles as a “vacation” from her more commercial movies.

Jennifer hasn’t complained about her schedule, so I’m sure she’s super grateful to David for dragging her name into a PR shitshow. Sorry about that snort of derision, David. You’re so right! The struggle is REAL for Jennifer Lawrence! There’s nobody in Hollywood that she could have talked to about the downsides of signing on to film a book franchise if she was that worried about it! She couldn’t have asked Charlie Hunnam why he pulled his dick out of 50 Shades or gone around L.A. kicking refrigerator boxes until she found Robert Pattinson? And granted an eye roll, a greasy hair toss and a mumbled “fuckin’ sucks, man” coming from Kristen Stewart could apply to any number of things, but Jennifer could still make it work for her situation.

Jennifer has done 16 films in 5 years and when she burns out I’m sure it will be completely relatable and gif-able, just like every other fucking thing she does. Fingers crossed her dismount from the proverbial hamster wheel looks like this!

(Pic: Wenn)