Julia Roberts Is Making A Batkid Movie

Julia “Eat your fucking fish, bitch!” Roberts will produce and star in a cinematic adaption of the “Batkid” story. To recap, Miles Scott was that little tyke with leukemia who wanted to be Batman’s sidekick as his Make-A-Wish gift. Humanity (well, San Francisco) banded together and proved that the universe shouldn’t push the “fuck ya’ll” button on the Earth just yet. You know, despite global warming, viral outbreaks, batshit crazy assholes with guns, and the Kardashian Kunts representing us to the rest of the galaxy.

Over 20,000 volunteers, with the support of thousands more on social media, banned together to give Miles an entire day as Batkid in 2013. He fought the Riddler and Penguin, drove the Batmobile, and saved “Gotham City.” It was awesome, and even Michael K.’s heart put out a tiny bit of warmth that day. You could toast a piece of bread!

Anyway, a documentary about Batkid is currently making the rounds and Julia Roberts is making it into a big-budget movie. She’ll probably center the damn film all around her character and Batkid’s exploits will be playing on a monitor behind her. The much better news is that Miles has been in remission since 2013. Go Batkid!

This is weird material for Julia, right? This is a touching story and isn’t she known for being a straight-up bitch? That AMAZING scene from August: Osage County (which made me appreciate her for the first time since she was browless in Mary Reilly) isn’t an act, right? Isn’t she always screaming at her husband, her alleged lover, and her alleged lesbian lover to eat their fucking fish? Especially her alleged lesbian lover! *sound of rimshot*

Well, SOMEONE has to replace Joan Rivers and Kathy Griffin ain’t hackin’ it on Fashion Police.

Julia Roberts Is Hustling For Givenchy Now

Stop whatever you’re doing, because this is all kinds of important: for the first time in recent memory, Riccardo Tisci didn’t chose someone who fell out of Pimp Mama Kris’ krotch as the face of Givenchy. I wonder why? Maybe Riccardo is punishing his boo Kanye West for something (“Did you let your wife wear my leather leggings? THEN WHY IS THE ASS ALL STRETCHED OUT???“).

Riccardo revealed today that the face of Givenchy SS15 is Julia Roberts, seen above wearing some kind of goth-lite ladies of The Lawrence Welk Show couture. Riccardo tells Style.com that Julia was shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott (who also shot Madonna’s recent black and white campaign for Versace), and they decided to shoot her SANS FARDS and SANS HAIR CREW. Oh, big mistake. Big. Huge! Just because she went along with it, doesn’t mean she wasn’t totally cursing everyone out in her head and making a mental note to add the names Riccardo Tisci, Mert Alas, and Marcus Piggott to her shit list when she gets home. You can see it in her face – she got them oh here go hell come eyes.

Regardless, Julia Roberts looks good (Angie Jolie-level cheekbones and all), and I’m not sure if it’s because she knows her 47-year-old mom ass beat out a bunch of 19-year-old model types for the job or she’s just happy to get some free clothes, but whatever it is, it’s working. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to upload this picture into my Lil’ Horatio CSI Inspection Kit and figure out what the hell is going on with Julia’s right eyebrow. For real, that thing is like 8 inches long.

Pics: Riccardo Tisci

Julia Roberts Wants Everyone To Know That She’s Never Had A Facelift, ThankYouVeryMuch

While all of our brains shit out a question mark as we look at Renee Zellweger’s chopped, screwed and pulled face, Julia Roberts is letting you know that she’s never had her mug pulled and she might be making a bad career move by not getting a facelift. To which I say:

During an interview with You Magazine (via UsWeekly) about Lancome, Julia said that as a 47-year-old Hollywood actress, she should probably get her face cut off and pulled up to the top of her skull, but she’d rather age the way a normal person is supposed to age. Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan would throw that bitch a “cállate la boca, trick” side-eye, but they can’t, because their side-eye-throwing muscles were Botoxed to death.

“By Hollywood standards, I guess I’ve already taken a big risk in not having had a face-lift. I’ve told Lancome that I want to be an aging model. They have to keep me for at least five more years until I’m over 50.”

Julia went on to say that she studies yoga “on a more conscious level” (I didn’t know GOOPY possessed Julia’s body), which helps keeps stress marks from growing on her face.

“It’s about non-grasping, non-hoarding, cleaning out your closet, dusting out your mind and letting go of the things that weigh you down mentally and emotionally. There’s a lightness to my life now – an airy quality of not taking things too seriously. That’s happiness.”

So the key to Julia’s youthful glow is a heaping dash of self-righteousness, Photoshop, Botox (that forehead vein don’t lie), Photoshop, the happiness she feels when she wears that vintage A Low Vera t-shirt while cackling at the woman whose husband she had an affair with, Photoshop and more Photoshop. Did I already say Photoshop?

And here’s all-natural Julia dressed like a Cache district manager at the 10th Annual GLSEN Respect Awards in Beverly Hills on October 17th.

Pics: Wenn.com

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Julia Roberts Doesn’t Think She Could Handle The Internet Haters If She Was A Young Star Today

Even though Julia Roberts is a stone-cold bitch of the highest order who could shut a trick down just by squinting in their general direction, she confessed to Matt Lauer (serving up some “sleazy dad who hits on the babysitter when he drives them home” realness, as usual) this morning on the Today show (via Radar) that she’s glad she never had to deal with the biggest bitch of all – social media. Julia says she probably would have called up her agent and yelled “I QUIT” if she had to read the mean shit people said about her on Twitter or see grainy pictures of her looking like a drunk mess at the club with Kiefer Sutherland on Instagram:

“I don’t think I’d survive. It’s just too nasty…it’s the sport of ugliness. I’d pull out of it. I wouldn’t have the stomach for it. I’m so happy that, for me, the timing of when I started off in the business and how it all worked out for me.”

I totally agree with her; social media would not have been kind to Pretty Woman-era Julia Roberts. It would totally suck. If all the social media that existed now existed in the early 90s, someone asshole would have created a Tumblr called Julia Roberts is a Basic Bitch or Julia Roberts’s giant mouth. She’d Instagram a selfie on the set of The Pelican Brief and all the comments would be like “YR HAIR IS SO FUG AND YOU R BORING”. And imagine what Twitter would have looked like when the cast of Hook was announced? There would be a million angry people tweeting shit like “@StevenSpielberg: Are you serious? Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell???? #dumb #childhoodruined #somanytears”. 

And if you want to see what Julia’s “I quit this bitch” face looks like in slow-mo, here’s Julia on The Tonight Show last night playing a game called Face Balls with Jimmy Fallon. Even Jimmy Fallon’s face is like “Really? We’re throwing inflatable balls at each other’s faces now? Could we not throw together a Brian Williams rap instead?”

And Somewhere, A Make-Up Artist Was Just Hit With A Lightning Bolt Thrown By God

HD powder claims another victim!

Celebwhores: Zero.

HD powder: Too many to count!

Just like Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman and Sabrina the Teenage Witch before her ass, a make-up artist proved that they are an unholy Satanist by fucking with St. Angie Jolie’s face and slapping her down with that powder that makes you look Scarface when a flash hits you. St. Angie was Brad Pitt’s date to The Normal Heart premiere in NYC last night and she looked like a malnourished baby alligator that a chef at a creole restaurant just dipped in flour and was about to toss in a fryer pan. Who ever did that to St. Angie has probably been struck by lighting and is a pile of dust right now, but I want to use a Ouija board to contact their ghost and tell them that I love them for making her look like an over-used coke straw with veins. She looks like Rob Ford just farted in her face.

But seriously, I’m sure that’s not powder. It’s queef dust from the angels. She is St. Angie after all.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s The Normal Heart premiere including pictures of basic ho, basic ho, MATT BONER!!!, basic ho, basic ho and JUDITH LIGHT!!!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash