Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder Aren’t Wasting Any Time

Nikki Reed’s divorce to her husband of 3 years was finalized about one millisecond ago (specifically, less than a month) and she’s been rubbing wet parts against fellow fake vampire Ian Somerhalder for about two milliseconds (specifically, six months), but she’s already said yes to marrying his ass. Fast bitches move fast. They pressed the “lesbians on speed” button on their relationship and are going all the way real fast.

After six months of dating a trick, you may start hanging around his place more often and you may begin to see if you can trust him by revealing dark secrets about yourself like how you paid full price for the One Direction album and how every now and again you get nostalgic by jacking off while watching that scene in California Dreams where Sly takes his top off. But these two have done a lot in the six months they’ve been together. They moved in together, adopted a horse and a kitten together and have gone into business with each other by starting a production company. And now they may be engaged.

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Nikki Reed Might Be Boning The Dude From The Vampire Diaries

Twilight actress (or for those of you with good taste, that sneaky no-good slut Evie from Thirteen) Nikki Reed announced waaaaay back in March that she had pulled the plug on her marriage to American Idol contestant Paul McDonald, and it looks like she’s finally found a new dick to dry her divorced tears on. Nikki was spotted on Sunday wandering around a farmer’s market in Studio City accompanied by The Vampire Diaries hottie and discount Rob Lowe impersonator Ian Somerhalder.

Nikki hasn’t officially confirmed that she’s hooking up with Nina Dobrev’s leftovers, but cruising the farmer’s market together on a Sunday morning is kind of a ‘more than friends’ sort of thing, right? Strolling around a farmer’s market is some couple shit, like getting side-by-side massages or splitting the Chicken Bellagio at The Cheesecake Factory. Then again, maybe they’re just giving each other casual hand-jobs over heirloom tomatoes. I dunno. I guess they’re throwing me off because Hollywood-types usually announce “HEY EVERYBODY, WE’RE FUCKING!!!” by getting papped grabbing a coffee.

Regardless, get it girl. But also, get him girl…to burn those awful slouchy dirtbag dad sweatpants. Have some damn decency, Ian Somerhalder; you’re at the farmer’s market! Ain’t nobody wanna see a loose dick swinging around while they’re sampling goat cheese.

Pics: Splash

And The Best Dressed Of The Critics’ Choice Awards Goes To…

Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.

The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.

Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.

Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Those Two Pretty People From Vampire Diaries Broke Up

But didn’t they have a cat together? THINK OF THE PUSSY!

UsWeekly says that things might be a little awkward on the Vampire Diaries set, because Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have stopped wet humping each other behind the cameras. Nina and Dobrev started dating three years ago after meeting on the VD set and now they’re done. Some source says that they are “consummate professionals” (Note: If you just woke up and haven’t caffeined up your brain yet, you might’ve read that as “constipated professionals” like I did.) and “will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started.”

“We’ll remain best friends” really is the “over the moon” of break-up statements.

So there you go. One of those vampire couples set their love on fire. At least we still have Kristen Stewart and RPattz (SICK!) and Sookeh and Beeehl (BARF!).

And earlier this morning, Ian Somerhalder tweeted this:>

Who knew that when Ian Somerhalder’s heart breaks a little he turns into an Emo 7th grader who cuts with a butter knife and listens to Fall Out Boy ballads on a loop? But what I want to know is, did he smirk and throw smug eyes at the monitor while typing that tweet?

Ian Somerhalder And Grumpy Cat: Together At Last

I’ll see your Tom Hardy with a pit bull puppy pics and raise you a pic of an Ian Somerhalder with Grumpy Cat. (I know, nothing beats Tom Hardy with a pit bull puppy, but I tried it.)

Grumpy Cat (born name: Tardar Sauce) wouldn’t be Grumpy Cat if she wasn’t grumpy even when meeting a pretty-faced vampire with permanent “O RLY?” brows. Ian Somerhalder met Grumpy Cat at SXSW in Austin and he Instagrammed (via People) this memento from their first meeting. I’m just going to assume that Ian and Tardar Sauce’s meeting involved discussing the possibility of starring in a reboot of Turner & Hooch. (Ian will play a cheery detective and Grumpy Cat will play a grumpy cat who becomes his partner after witnessing a murder. Craig T. Nelson can recreate his role.)

Apparently, Grumpy Cat was the breakout star of SXSW and dozens of people lined up to meet her. Everybody wanted to meet the current reigning pussy queen of the Internet (never 4get Spaghetti Cat). So I’m guessing that next year, they’re going to change the name of SXSW to The Second Annual Grumpy Cat Meet And Greet.

And here’s more of Grumpy Cat looking like me when I went to Trader Joe’s this past weekend and found that they were all out of my favorite cheese crackers. I was confused, scared, pissed off and a little gassy.