Cats are better than people and I mourn them as such, so this is an extra sad for me. And Grumpy Cat in particular is an internet icon and an icon for grumpy bitches everywhere. Grumpy Cat (born name: Tardar Sauce has sadly passed away at the very young age of 7.
A week or so after cranky dinosaur Steven Spielberg threw a Hollywood power broker version of a toddler’s tantrum over Netflix movies being in the running for Oscars, he appears to be changing his tune. Steven and Ted Sarandos, the head of Netflix, were seen meeting at a members-only club where they probably talked about how they can kiss and make-up and be friends.
They let a woman bring a live cat into Disneyland, but when I try to get in with a 2L bottle of Dr. Pepper and red wine, I’m turned away. SMDH.
Time says that Grumpy Cat (aka Tardar Sauce), along with nearly two dozen other internet stars, were invited to Disneyland as a part of a digital media marketing campaign called #DisneySide, which was designed to promote Disney theme parks by driving traffic to YouTube, Vine shorts, and more. But enough boring Don Draper advertising talk, let’s bring on Grumpy Cat doing cute shit!!
Grumpy Cat and Grumpy Cat’s owner, Tabatha Bundesen, fulfilled their contractual obligation with a boring live appearance for #DisneySide (seriously, the cat can’t talk; stop asking it questions) then promptly moved on to letting Grumpy Cat do what she does best: struggling to walk and staring blankly at things. I this off-brand instant coffee is starting to decompose my brain, because a video of a dead-eyed cat riding various old-timey Disneyland vehicles wouldn’t normally delight me as much as it did.
Later, in a move even your lame Aunt Janet would roll her eyes at the predictability of, Grumpy Cat met with Grumpy the Dwarf to stare blankly into a wishing well. Afterwards, Grumpy took the monorail to Toon Town, where she struggled to walk into Pluto’s house. My favourite part was when Pluto pantomimed astonished surprise and Grumpy Cat sat there waiting to be removed from such nonesense.
Grumpy Cat finished the day by meeting with another internet meme, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, and broke the internet by taking a really cute picture together.
I strongly advise all women not to look directly into Ridiculously Photogenic Guy’s eyes, unless you want your ovaries to melt like a Nazi’s face after looking at the Arc of the Covenant. For real though, where’s Ridiculously Photogenic Guy’s video diary of his trip around Disneyland? Can I volunteer for that job? I come with an iPhone 4 and the promise not to get too weird.
Grumpy Cat’s owners know that there’s always going to be a younger and grumpier pussy looking to take her premium corner on the ho stroll, so they’re whoring her out hard and making that money while they still can. Their latest money-milking venture is a line of Grumpy Cat Grumppuccino. You know, because when you think of Grumpy Cat, you automatically think of a caffeinated coffee drink in a knock-off Starbucks bottle. This mess just doesn’t make sense and even Tardar Sauce looks sad in the face about it. That’s not Grumpy Cat. That’s Fuck My Life Cat.
I’m glad that Grumpy Cat is #gettingmoneybitch, but who wants to buy a bottle of brown liquid from a sad cat who looks like she just shat in your coffee and is sad about it? (Answer: the same cat scat lovers who bought cat poop coffee). They should’ve called it, “Catpooccino.”
If you’re a human actor who’s been on audition after audition and can’t even get a cameo in a Courtney Stodden YouTube video, here’s some wonderful, soul-warming news for you: a cat who doesn’t give a fuck about being in a movie is getting her own movie. Hollywood!
Not even a year ago, Grumpy Cat was just a grumpy cat in Arizona and then one grumpy picture led to a meme, which led to Internet superstardom, which is now leading to Hollywood. Deadline says that producers Todd Garner And Sean Robins are working with Tardar Sauce’s manager and rep (yes, she has those) on a feature film starring her. They want to turn her into the next Garfield. I don’t know whether to throw my money at them or make the same face Grumpy Cat is making in that picture above. Here’s what Todd Garner had to say about the Grumpy Cat movie:
“This started off as a picture of a cat, but rare is an image that evokes that much comedy. You read all of the memes and the comments, and one is funnier than the next. We think we can build a big family comedy around this character.”
Their plan is to give Grumpy Cat a voice.
Since Hollywood is Hollywood and they regularly find creative ways to ruin EVERYTHING, you know they’re going to get Goopy Paltrow to be the voice of Grumpy Cat. They would do that to us. And I hope the pressures of Hollywood don’t get to Grumpy Cat. I do not want to hear about her checking into Betty Ford after getting caught smoking catnip out of a pipe while having bareback sex with some random Q-Tip.
But seriously, I need to stop. What can go wrong? I mean, the Grumpy Cat movie will be brought to us by the producer of the cinematic masterpiece that was Jack & Jill.
(Pic via Facebook)
If you read that as “America’s Sweetfarts,” that works too!
Anderson Cooper’s talk show ends in just a few months, but he should take a bow early, because he will never get a more important or famous guest than the guest he had on Friday’s show: Grumpy Cat (born name: Tardar Sauce)! Grumpy Cat, who is looking more and more like my abuelita at every children’s birthday party she went to, finally made a thousand dreams come true by meeting The Silver Fox. Anderson tried to put on his best grumpy pussy face while posing with Tardar Sauce and well, he shouldn’t quit his job to become a Grumpy Cat impersonator anytime soon. He tried, but he looks more like Constipated Fox than Grumpy Cat. He kind of looks like the soft part of his sugar walls got poked hard by a peen and he’s not sure if he’s into it.
With all that being said, I’m still going to print out this picture, throw a veil on it and marry it in a quickie wedding at the courthouse. I don’t know for sure if human-paper marriage is legal in California or not, but Kris Humphries did marry a water damaged piece of cardboard here, so I’m guessing it is.
And here’s Grumpy Cat not giving three fucks while hanging out with The Silver Fox.
via Instagram (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)