It appears Aaron Carter still has one working braincell in that peroxide-fried Ed Hardy hedgehog head of his (“Damn! I thought I got them all?” – crystal meth). After trying desperately to woo his ex-girlfriend Hilary Duff back into his life on Twitter since January, Aaron Carter has finally taken the hint that Lizzie McGuire wants nothing to do with him or his busted Faces of Florida ass. The Ghost of Justin Bieber Future told Wenn (via E!) that after much thought (read: after Mike Comrie showed up at his studio in the valley with a couple NHL enforcers), he’s decided to cool it with the AXE-Scented Social Media Romeo shit:
“If I’m too open about how I feel then people wanna nag and pick and poke at me. I don’t know Hilary, either. She don’t know me and I don’t know her. I just need to shut up now about it. I think it’s time. She’s got a kid and she’s married and I’m not trying to be that dude. That’s not my intention. Hilary will always hold a very special place in my heart.”
Poor Aaron; he threw Hilary a love party every day for almost a whole year, but she never wanted to come get it. Na na na na, na na na na.
But just because it didn’t work out with Hilary doesn’t mean Nick Jr. should stop trying to pursue all his old girlfriends. For instance, I’m sure Lindsay Lohan would love to rekindle the spray tan-dipped romance they had so many years ago! It has the makings of a classic Hollywood love story! After more than a decade apart, two former tweener messes reunite after flirting online (“Hey sexy, I bored – wan 2 fuck?“) to rub their rash-covered parts on each other in a dirty hotel room and snort anything they can crush up and fit through a straw. Then they’ll hit a rough patch when Aaron catches the Apricot Ashtray trying to steal $20 from his wallet while he’s taking a shit. So romantic! It’s just like The Notebook!
TMZ says that after a 21-day separation, Ciara and Future (seen here looking like a low-budget Kim and Kanye, which might be one of the shadiest ways I’ve ever described someone) have decided to take the advice of Al Green and stay together. Well, at least for now. NO! I’m sure they’re soul mates and true love conquers all and keep reaching for that rainbow bla bla bla. But for real, file this under: “future Future mistakes.”
A source close to Future (the present)(I’ll show myself out for that one) claims that he and Ciara are living together again after calling it quits on their relationship a couple weeks ago. Ciara caught Future with his dick in the cookie jar, so she called off their engagement and kicked his skirt-chasing ass out. Not great timing, considering Ciara had just birthed out a kid with Future, Future Zahir, a little over three months ago. But they’ve decided to give it another shot for the sake of Baby Future II. Because if there’s anything a baby wants, it’s two drama-loving tricks who can’t stop sticking their dicks in side pieces and throwing each other out of the house. What am I saying? Baby Back To The Future II doesn’t care – he’s too busy learning what toes are and catching up with all the hot undersea gossip from the seahorse in his Ocean Wonders Aquarium.
The source also claims Ciara believes Future is a good father (he should be; bitch has had enough practice), but she wasn’t interested in a “co-parenting” situation, so she called his ass home so they could raise Baby Back To The Future II together. Cut to the future when Future gets caught trying to co-penis with another random pussy. You know what they say – our past dictates our future, and Future’s past says Future’s penis needs to roam free!
According to Us Weekly, reformed life mess Natasha Lyonne and Elisabeth Moss’ ex-piece Fred Armisen have started finger-banging in the communal shower (for the OITNB fans) and/or putting a bird on it (for all 10 of the Portlandia fans). For fans of neither, what I’m trying to say is that these two are together, hump-wise.
An eyewitness says they saw Nicky and Fericito being “very flirty and talking very closely” aka they were (don’t say it Allison) canoodling (damn you) at the Variety/Women in Film Emmy nominee celebration on Saturday. Then on Monday, the two attended the Emmys together and a bunch of after-parties, and another source claims they were linking arms and chuckling. Linking arms and giggling? Oh my god, GET A ROOM.
When Fred Armisen first hooked up with Peggy Olson 1,408 years ago, it was like random had a baby with questionable, but Fred and Natasha make a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s still an age difference (47 for him, 35 for her) but it’s redundant, because Natasha has the voice of a 58-year-old longshoreman. And sure, Natasha has always given me some gayelle vibes. But they’re both secret weirdos. You know the kind, where they seem like they’re normal on the outside, and then you go to their house and discover they’re into DIY taxidermy or collecting pictures of strangers or they don’t have a toilet? What do you mean that’s never happened to you? You’re clearly not finding the right people on Tinder.
Nicki Minaj has been teasing the music video for “Anaconda” for what feels like FOR-EV-UR, but the sloppy silicone-injected madness finally ends tomorrow when that shit is released onto the world, and we all call in sick because human eyes haven’t yet evolved to handle staring directly into Nicki’s spit roasted honey garlic-glazed ass cheeks without getting a migraine. But until then, she’s still teasing that mess. Yesterday she teased several images from the upcoming video on Instagram featuring a bored-as-shit Wheelchair Jimmy looking like he’d rather do a Degrassi LIVE! 40-city mall tour than get a lap dance from Nicki Minaj. He literally looks like he’s afraid to get a boner and he’s treating Nicki’s vulcanized rubber bubble butt like a T-Rex. “If I don’t move, it won’t move, and she’ll eventually leave.”
Or maybe he was afraid Nicki would leave too much of her scent (L’eau de Fix-a-Flat and whatever it is you smell when you walk into a Frederick’s of Hollywood) on his Drake Snake and his on-again off-again boo Rihanna would get jealous and tear it off with her acrylic claws. Because yeah, it seems like they’re back on again. According to Radar, Princess RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy might be back on again. They were spotted together at New York’s Griffin nightclub on Monday night, which – no offense Radar – doesn’t necessarily mean they’re back together; it just means RiRi’s blunt-hunting pussy pouch got horn-horn for that Drake dick again and she put him back into her regular rotation.
Here’s RiRi on her way to meet Wheelchair Jimmy at the club on Monday night. RiRi, always thinking ahead, changed into sneakers on her way there, because she knows Drake is a stage-5 clinger and she should always be prepared to make a quick getaway if shit turns from sexy to suffocating. And also some more of Drake pulling a Sad Kanye while getting a lap dance from Nicki Minaj, because it’s not as if we won’t be seeing it over and over and over again tomorrow.
It’s a Christmas (in August) miracle! Back in June, Anna Kendrick cried to Elle Magazine that no one had hit on her in five years, which made no goddamn sense, because Anna Kendrick is an adorably chipper human-looking field mouse, and you’d think she’d have all sorts of suitors lined up at the door to her grass burrow. But for some reason, her milkshakes were bringing 0.00 boys to the meadow.
However, according to the New York Post (via Hollywood.com) Anna has finally found someone to hit on her, and it’s Lily Allen’s brother and Game of Thrones actor Alfie Allen. A source claims that Anna and Alfie went on a date last week in Las Vegas at a place called SushiSamba, adding that they had requested a dark table and were spotted enjoying drinks. Ew, get a room you two! The source also added (no they didn’t) that witnesses caught their eyes canoodling while eating spicy tuna rolls and Anna giggled as she playfully poked Alfie with one of her chopsticks. Then they put on a pair of roller skates, told SushiSamba to kill the lights, and skated around the restaurant to “I’m Not In Love” till they were asked to leave.
Well, good for Anna. I’m glad to hear she’s no longer at home wrist-deep in a pint of Karamel Sutra and looking up dudes from middle school on Facebook (Stars! Just like the rest of us!). And obviously, if they’re together long enough to get a “Brangelina” nickname, Anna Kendrick and Alfie Allen should either go with “Anal” or “Alfdrick”. Someone please grab the brain bleach, because, yes, I just pictured ALF’s dick.
If a red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket means you’re into fisting, then what does an entire coat made from red bandannas mean? You know what, don’t answer that.
Former porn star, Playboy model, failed tone-deaf pop star, and diet pill spokesperson Kim Kardashian recently admitted to People that the nine times her current husband Kanye West has woken up beside her, he’s been disappointed the living Real Doll laying in a deep Botoxed slumber beside him doesn’t have piss-kissed blonde hair anymore. Even though though she could always put on a cheap wig, Kim says it’s not the same; Kanye wants to play dress-up with Barbie, NOT Teresa!
“Kanye likes the blonde. But I think I’m going to stay dark. I was talking about this yesterday actually with Kanye. He asked if I would ever go back to blonde. I was like, ‘Not right after a baby, because my face was so swollen and it looked like my lips were huge’. My face was just off.”
“My face was just off.”
NEWSFLASH HOOKER, YOUR HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Don’t throw blonde hair under the bus because you can’t stop stuffing collagen into your duck-lipped dick receiver and injecting Botox into every pore in your face! Aside from that, I don’t believe Kanye ever told Kim he liked her better as a blonde. Kanye would NEVER give someone else a compliment! He probably said: “Kanye West looks very good when Kanye West is standing next to something with blonde hair.”
And I love how she says “Not right after baby” as if she’s planning for a second baby. “You don’t even look after the one you already have!” – is what North West would say to Kim if they were ever in the same room together. NO! That’s not true! Kim is a great mother who totally spends time with North West. See? Here’s Kim and North doing some mommy-daughter bonding at the airport together! Sure, North has the type of terrified look on her face that says she’s searching for an Air Marshal (“Halp! I’m being kidnapped by a sedated stripper!”), but they’re totally technically spending time together!