Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder Aren’t Wasting Any Time

January 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Nikki Reed’s divorce to her husband of 3 years was finalized about one millisecond ago (specifically, less than a month) and she’s been rubbing wet parts against fellow fake vampire Ian Somerhalder for about two milliseconds (specifically, six months), but she’s already said yes to marrying his ass. Fast bitches move fast. They pressed the “lesbians on speed” button on their relationship and are going all the way real fast.

After six months of dating a trick, you may start hanging around his place more often and you may begin to see if you can trust him by revealing dark secrets about yourself like how you paid full price for the One Direction album and how every now and again you get nostalgic by jacking off while watching that scene in California Dreams where Sly takes his top off. But these two have done a lot in the six months they’ve been together. They moved in together, adopted a horse and a kitten together and have gone into business with each other by starting a production company. And now they may be engaged.

Both E! News and UsWeekly say that the 36-year-old dude with permanent Resting Smarmy Face proposed to 26-year-old Nikki Reed recently and since they’re moving like one of them has 4 months to live, she said yes. Nikki wore a ring to a Golden Globes after-party this weekend and Hollywood Life seems to think it’s her engagement ring even though she wore it on her right hand. Some source says that Ian’s wet dreams are coming true, because he’s been in love with Nikki Reed for years.

The engagement isn’t a surprise to insiders close to the couple. One source says that Somerhalder told Reed he had “been in love with [her] for years,” long before they took their friendship to the next level. “They’re so happy,” the source tells E! News. “They were crazy happy from the start. Their families love each other. It just feels really right.”

That must make Ian’s ex-piece Nina Dobrev feel all warm, special and loved in her heart area.

We’re always told that we should live each day like it’s our last and I guess these messes are doing just that. Bitches are adopting living things together and getting joint accounts after six seconds of dating when some of us have a hard time letting a boyfriend of a few months borrow our jeans. But the heart wants what the heart wants and if the heart wants to get engaged the same month your shit gets divorced, then you can’t deny that. So congratulations to these two and an extra, extra congratulations to Nikki’s divorce attorney who can go ahead and put a down payment on that lake house. His financial future will be fine.

And I don’t know how Nikki does it, really. I’d always be on edge around Ian Somerhalder, because he always has a look on his face like he just put arsenic in your drink and is waiting for you to take a sip.


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