Here’s Your First Super-Vague Look At “Blade Runner 2049”

When a 35-years-later sequel to Blade Runner was first announced almost two years ago, all we knew was that Harrison Ford would be in it and that it would be directed by French Canadian Denis Villeneuve. I was hoping a French Canadian director would mean this new Blade Runner would take place in a futuristic Montreal populated entirely by aggressively sexual android acrobats and robot jugglers, but that’s not the Blade Runner sequel we’re getting here.

The first teaser for Blade Runner 2046, was released today, and here’s what we’ve got: a little over a minute and a half of Ryan Gosling walking moodily through a dirty Los Angeles. About halfway through Ryan Gosling makes his way alone through desert where he comes upon a destroyed sculpture of a head. It’s not explained, so I’m just going to assume that was the moment Ryan’s character realized Burning Man was last weekend. He eventually meets Harrison Ford’s Rick Deckard. We also learn that Rick Deckard is living in an abandoned Korean hotel or something?

And that’s it! Blade Runner 2046 doesn’t come out until October 2017.

That teaser did nothing but make me want to take a shower, then replace the filter in my air purifier. Who cares about dusty-ass Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling? Just show us a clip from the part where Ryan works his smooth Canadian charm on a hot retro-inspired replicant named Rachael. I don’t know if that’s in the movie, but it better be. If Hollywood is going to recycle ideas like Blade Runner, the least they can do is give us the best part of it.

Carrie Fisher Was Harrison Ford’s Side Trick While Filming “Star Wars”

It only took her 4 decades, but Carrie Fisher confirmed what many of us figured a while ago: she and Harrison Ford regularly got their fuck on with each other while shooting the first Star Wars movie in London. Save your shocked look for when Chewbacca writes in his memoirs about how he was tag-teamed by Darth Vader, Biggs Darklighter and C-3PO.

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This Dude Is The New Han Solo

If you’re a white dude who is under the age of 30, you definitely auditioned to be the young Han Solo in the latest Star Wars spin-off movie. Disney and directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller auditioned thousands of actors, and after screen tests, they reportedly narrowed it down to a few dudes including Jack Reynor (from Transformers: Age of Extinction), Taron Egerton (from Kingsman: The Secret Service) and Alden Ehrenreich (from Hail Caesar!). Miles Teller, Emory Cohen, Scott Eastwood and Ansel Elgort were also in the mix. Deadline says that in the end, 26-year-old Alden Ehrenreich (a name that makes me glad that the copy + paste function exists) beat out all of those bitches and will inherit Han Solo’s hot vest.

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Now In “Do We Need This?” News: Disney Is Making A Fifth Indiana Jones Movie

I know it’s just a coincidence, but I like to think that the “Errr…really?” faces being made by everyone above is a direct reaction to this news.

Because Mickey Mouse gets a major cartoon boner for making money, The Hollywood Reporter says that Disney has officially made plans for a currently-untitled fifth Indiana Jones film. Steven Spielberg has signed on to direct it and Harrison Ford will be back to play Indiana Jones. No word on who else is involved, but I’m really hoping Kate Capshaw throws a perm into those blunt bangs and returns as that jewelry-covered showgirl Willie Scott.

I spent the majority of 2008 letting The Pussycat Dolls’ Doll Domination assassinate my brain cells, so I had a hard time remembering much about the last Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If you asked me to describe it, I’d probably mumble something about Shia LaBeouf’s low-budget Brando impersonation and Cate Blanchett looking like a Soviet spy Johnny Ramone. But the Internet tells me it made almost $787 million dollars, so that’s probably as good a reason as any for why you should make another one so long after the franchise started.

THR says that this latest Indy movie is scheduled to be released on July 19, 2019. At least that’s the plan so long as Harrison Ford doesn’t die before then. And no, that’s not a “Harrison Ford is old” joke. That a “Harrison Ford keeps almost-dying” joke. But really, I doubt Disney has to worry; if 73-year-old Harrison Ford is able to survive a hydraulic door coming for his ass, he can survive anything. Speaking of, here’s fearless grandpa Harrison Ford strolling the streets of New York City last week.

Pics: Paramount Pictures, Splash

Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

To Fap Or Not To Fap: Adam Driver And Oscar Isaac Having An Intimate Moment On The Red Carpet

Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.

Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.

But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.

I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.

Pics: Wenn.com