This Dude Is The New Han Solo

May 6, 2016 / Posted by:

If you’re a white dude who is under the age of 30, you definitely auditioned to be the young Han Solo in the latest Star Wars spin-off movie. Disney and directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller auditioned thousands of actors, and after screen tests, they reportedly narrowed it down to a few dudes including Jack Reynor (from Transformers: Age of Extinction), Taron Egerton (from Kingsman: The Secret Service) and Alden Ehrenreich (from Hail Caesar!). Miles Teller, Emory Cohen, Scott Eastwood and Ansel Elgort were also in the mix. Deadline says that in the end, 26-year-old Alden Ehrenreich (a name that makes me glad that the copy + paste function exists) beat out all of those bitches and will inherit Han Solo’s hot vest.

Deadline reported yesterday that Disney and the directors have given the role to Alden Ehrenreich and he’s currently negotiating the deal. I’m not sure what’s to negotiate? My guess is that Disney just handed over a one-page contract and said, “You will be paid zero dollars for the first movie and you owe us your first born for making you a huge star. Sign here in your blood, sweat and tears. Goofy will notarize.” Alden has two movies coming out this year: Warren Beatty’s Howard Hughes movie and The Yellow Birds with Jennifer Aniston and Toni Collette.

The standalone Han Solo movie, which is probably going to be titled Han Solo: A Star Wars Story, doesn’t start shooting until January. But Page Six says that they wanted to cast the part as soon as possible, because the new Han Solo makes a cameo in Star Wars: Rogue One, which is shooting right now.

I cannot say whether or not this was a good move until I see this Alden dude working a deep V peasant top, a vest and hair shaped like a bubble butt:


The standalone Han Solo movie will tell his backstory and show his life before he joined the Rebel Alliance.

Since Disney owns Star Wars now and is milking it for all its worth, I expect 700 more prequels at least. In the next few months, I expect to write posts about how the boy from Room landed the role of child Han Solo in a new spin-off movie, and an unknown 6-month-old from Minnesota landed the role of baby Han Solo in a new spin-off movie, and a fetus growing inside of an English woman’s womb landed the role of fetus Han Solo.


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