As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Harrison Ford Barely Got Out Of The Hospital Following That Plane Crash

After Harrison Ford pulled a Pepaw Goes Down by crash landing his itsy bitsy plane on a golf course in L.A. on March 5th, his son said he was doing okay and I figured that the nurses just poured some vodka on his wounds, shined up his earring and sent him on his way. But Harrison Ford was broke off and tore off after that crash. Harrison had to spend over 3 weeks in the hospital getting himself back together. I know, who knew a 72-year-old would have to nibble on tapioca pudding in the hospital for over 21 days after he nearly broke all his bones from going BOOM on the ground. I just hope that Angelica from one of my favorite Harrison Ford movies Six Days, Seven Nights visited him in the hospital and did her hot exotic dance of seduction for him. And yes, I know that I’ll probably be forced to spend 21 days in the mental hospital for admitting that Six Days, Seven Nights is one of my favorite Harrison Ford movies.

UsWeekly says that Harrison was sent home sometime late last week. A source said that Harrison busted his pelvis and ankle. He will continue to get treatment at a rehab facility.

As for Harrison’s old ass plane, a source say that a beagle wearing a red scarf picked it up from the junkyard. That plane is finally with its rightful owner and now Snoopy can really get that Red Baron.

Harrison Ford Injured After His Small Plane Crash Landed (UPDATE)

TMZ says that a small plane piloted by Harrison Ford crash landed on the Penmar golf course in Venice, CA today. He was apparently busted up pretty bad and had to be taken to the hospital.

Harrison was reportedly the only one in the 2-seater plane went shit got serious and he crashed into the golf course. He had several gashes to his head and was bleeding. Luckily there were a couple of doctors playing golf nearby and they treated his wounds the best that they could before the paramedics came and shuffled him off to the hospital. The Los Angeles Fire Department tells the NYDN that there was a crash at the golf course and that one person was critically injured. One person on Twitter said that his mom was playing golf at the time and helped him out. According to her, he seemed okay.

TMZ also points out that Harrison has been flying planes and helicopters for a long time and he has had to crash land at least twice in the past.

NOT HARRISON FORD! Quick! Form a prayer circle for Harrison Ford while throwing a side-eye at Reggie (because you know he had something to do with this).

UPDATE: The Los Angeles Fire Department said in a press conference that 72-year-old Harrison is in “fair to moderate condition” and was “alert, conscious, and breathing” when paramedics took him to the hospital. He’s being treated at the hospital now and none of his injuries are life-threatening. So I guess it’s safe to make “Get off my plane” jokes now. I guess if you have to crash land somewhere, it should be a golf course in Los Angeles, because that’s the place where you’ll find doctors in the middle of the afternoon on a goddamn weekday.

UPDATE II: Harrison’s son tweeted this:

At the hospital. Dad is ok. Battered, but ok! He is every bit the man you would think he is. He is an incredibly strong man.

— Chef Ben Ford (@ChefBenFord) March 6, 2015

There Will Be A Blade Runner Sequel Starring Harrison Ford

Nearly 33 years – THIRTY-THREE YEARS, by the way – after the release of one of the sexiest sci-fi movies every made (just me? Okay then), Variety is confirming that a sequel to Blade Runner is happening and it will star sexy salt and pepper pep-pep Harrison Ford. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you finish screaming “Hollywood has OFFICIALLY run out of ideas.”

Ridley Scott won’t be back to direct Blade Runner 2: Electric Replicant Boogaloo, so he’ll be replaced with French-Canadian director Denis Villeneuve. The script has been written by one of the original screenwriters, and Harrison Ford claims it’s “the best thing (he’s) ever read.” Sure, Jan; that’s what everybody says when there’s a giant dump truck full of cash backing into their driveway. NO! I’m sure it will be as good as the original. Plus, bringing back Harrison Ford back will finally answer the question of whether or not Deckard was a human or a replicant, because I don’t remember any scenes from Blade Runner featuring any old-looking replicants complaining about their hip joints or high cholesterol.

Normally a sequel getting the green light 33 years after the original would be the definition of a disaster, but this movie is going to be great for two reasons:

1. If Harrison Ford agreed to do a late-in-life version of Indiana Jones, a late-in-life version of Han Solo, and now a late-in-life version of Rick Deckard, then that means there’s a very good chance he might also agree to do a late-in-life version of Jack Trainer in a sequel to Working Girl. Somebody PLEASE get working on that.

2. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEAN YOUNG! Sean Young better be in the Blade Runner sequel. After all, Harrison Ford said the script was the best thing he’s ever read, and he definitely wouldn’t have said that if it didn’t include a hue part for that A-list ball of crackpot crazy.

Pepaw Down! Han Solo Got Injured On The Set Of Star Wars: Episode VII

While shooting scenes for Star Wars: Episode VII (my Dorito-fried brain read that as “vee aye aye”) Harrison Ford’s ankle screamed out a dramatic Luke Skywalker-style NOOOOOOOO when a hydraulic door fell down on him at Pinewood studios in England. Variety says that on Wednesday, 71-year-old Harrison was airlifted to a local hospital after a door came for him during filming. He’s currently laid up with what they think might be a fractured ankle. No word on what caused the door to malfunction, but I have two theories:

THEORY #1
Harrison Ford’s silver hoop earring is actually a protective talisman, and he fought with J. J. Abrams to let him keep it in, explaining that he could play Han Solo as a hip, easy-going “cool dad”. He even re-wrote a couple of his lines to include a part where he offers an underage R2D2 a sip of his beer. Sadly, J. J. Abrams told him to take out the earring, and the second he did, a door fell on him. The silver hoop then jumped back into Harrison’s ear and airlifted him to the hospital.

THEORY #2
After being passed over for the role of Chewbacca, a furious Khloe Kardashian flew to England to get revenge by hiding out on the Star Wars and using her Wookiee-like super-strength to push the hydraulic door onto the actor playing Chewy. Unfortunately, she got distracted by a dick pic texted to her by Shrek Montana, and she dropped the door on the wrong actor. She quickly fled the scene, but police are urging citizens that if they see an angry spackle-covered creature with a basketball-sized piece of cheap foam padding stuffed into the ass of a pair of shredded jeans to call the authorities immediately.

But if neither of those work, we can always blame it on Jar Jar Binks.

Adam From Girls Is Going To Be In Star Wars: Episode VII

In case you didn’t recognize him since he has a shirt on and doesn’t have Lena Dunham’s stuffed pancake tits pressed against his chest, he’s the one in black high waters in the back.

After weeks upon weeks of every name from Zac Efron to Lupita Nyong’o being tossed around as a possible cast member of Star Wars 7, the main cast was finally announced and a picture of the read-through was posted on StarWars.com. Some of the original hos like Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, C-3PO, Chewbacca and R2D2 are coming back and they’re joined by Adam from Girls, Oscar Isaac from Inside Llewyn Davis, John Boyega from Attack the Block, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, MAX VON FUCKING SYDOW and Daisy Ridley.

Their character names haven’t been released, but the rumors say that Adam from Girls is playing the villain, John Boyega is playing a Jedi apprentice and who knows who that Daisy girl is playing, but whatever role she is playing Lindsay Lohan will definitely claim that she was soooo clooose to getting it.

They start shooting in a couple of weeks and the planet will be drowning in nerd jizz when it comes out December 18, 2015.

Two things:

1. FOR WHERE ART THOU, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?!!!!

2. Max Von Sydow better be playing his Flash Gordon character Ming the Merciless, because Star Whores is in dire need of eyebrows shaped like the profile of a business woman’s Easy Spirit pump.