All the stores in Barbra Streisand underground mall are closed and the needlepoint “Bless This Mess” banner, I’m sure she has in her living room, has been lowered to half mast in loving memory of Sammie, Babs’ beloved Coton de Tulear. Sammie walked this earth from May 2003 – May 2017. And then again, and again. Shortly after Sammie’s death, Barbra introduced the world to Scarlet (aka Sammie 2) and Violet (Sammie 3), the clones she had made from her DNA. Yesterday, Barbra posted a picture on Instagram of the new Sammies and their “cousin” Fanny (Fanny came from the same breeder as Sammie, but does not share her DNA) propped up on Original Recipe Sammie’s grave looking like a fresh crop of mushrooms after a particularly damp spring.
In “Girl What Is You Doing?” news, Barbra Streisand had to “clarify” some comments she made about Michael Jackson’s accusers. While promoting an upcoming concert over in jolly old England, Barbra let out a nugget of crazy WTF about Wade Robson and James Safechuck. If you need a refresh on what earned Barbra the award for The Worst Take, here you go:
“His sexual needs were his sexual needs, coming from whatever childhood he has or whatever DNA he has. You can say ‘molested’, but those children, as you heard say (the grown-up Robson and Safechuck), they were thrilled to be there. They both married and they both have children, so it didn’t kill them.”
That take is like butter gone rancid and covered in shit. I guess basically defending an alleged pedophile is not the coolest thing to do in 2019? Weird. Well, now Barbra is doing the thing which is very cool in 2019: apologizing for the problematic things she said
Why oh why couldn’t Barbra Streisand just stick to fun out of touch crazy rich lady stuff like cloning her dog twice over or having an entire shopping mall under her living room floor? Why’d she have to go and add her out of touch crazy rich lady stuff to the conversation about Michael Jackson’s alleged pedophilia? Babs was interviewed by The Times and revealed that while she absolutely believes Michael’s Leaving Neverland accusers, James Safechuck and Wade Robson, are telling the truth, she also wonders what’s the big deal since they’re both married and have children now. What’s more, she mostly blames their parents, not Michael, for what happened to them. Oh how I wish we could just go back to the way we were before she opened her mouth.
If this hasn’t been made clear to everyone, Lady Gaga keeps her career trajectory plan in a folder marked “WWBD” (“What Would Babs Do?“). An NYC girl who can sing and is often unbearably pretentious, Gaga also remade A Star Is Born, has already branched out into different genres of music (lite-standards with Tony Bennett and lite-country with whatever the hell Joanne was) in an attempt at career longevity, and she, too, might have a mall in her basement. Gaga and Barbra Streisand also have a fairly prominent nose in common. Remember when Gaga first hit and she was wearing all sorts of headpieces and veils to disguise that schnozz? Well, “fuck you” money equals a “fuck you” nose. Stefani told Sky News at the Star Is Born premiere in London that, like her idol, she also refused to cut off her nose because it would have spited her face or some other badly-used analogy concerning rhinoplasty.
Barbra Streisand tweeted the above photo today and at first I figured she was trying to get a last-minute part on the final season of Game Of Thrones, but it’s a promo for Walls, her upcoming album. The lead single off the new album is “Don’t Lie To Me,” and – this being Babs – I just assumed it was going to be another love ballad. Alas, she says read between the lines and it’s about Trump.
Barbra Streisand has a bone to pick with both Variety and The New York Times. Both publications ran features on her which did not quite meet her exacting standards. Don’t worry, nobody has been fired! Babs understands that mistakes happen. Once. The issues have since been corrected in all online versions but Barbra would still like to direct your attention to a “New Truth Alert” issued on her website “http://www.barbrastreisand.com” for further clarification. Yes, you have to peck that all out in your browser with your pointer finger, hyperlinks are shortcuts for lazy people who don’t care about hard work and facts.