Congratulations to standing ovations and Uma Thurman! You have now joined Madonna, Abby Lee Miller, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and theater texters on the illustrious list of Things That Patti LuPone Has Verbally Slapped Down. You should be honored.
Patti LuPone is doing Company in London in the fall, and to promote it she talked to The Guardian. And whenever La LuPone opens her mouth to talk, precious jewels of priceless hate falls out.
Any self-respecting theater queen knows that Dame Patti LuPone (she ain’t technically a Dame, but she should be) and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “feud” goes back decades and has gotten messier than the Kylie Jenner-like lips on the movie Evita (aka Patti’s favorite Evita). But according to Page Six, Patti has put down the shiv and the two are working amicably together on a performance for the Grammys. The only correct way to respond to this is to grab each other’s hands and sing Kumbaya, because if Patti and Sir Andrew can stop fighting, so can the world!
Since I’m a bit of a Theater Duchess (not yet a Theater Princess or Theater Queen), I’ve known that along with belting out musical notes in ALL-CAPS, giving her unfiltered thoughts on things is something Patti LuPone is not afraid to do. Patti was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and leave it to beef sautéer extraordinaire Andy Cohen to get her to go off on everything from Madonna’s “acting” to live TV musicals to Abby Lee Miller. A couple of the things that Patti said last night have been said before by her, but she finally got to say them on national television. Praise that shifty Andy Cohen for bringing out a true gift for us devotees to petty drama.
When you pay $1,239 (which is the average price of a NYC theater ticket nowadays) to see a show, the last thing you want to deal with is rude audience members who don’t know how to act right and ruin your theater-going experience. Some messes still don’t get it and shit has gotten so crazy that an attention whore wreck recently got on stage during a performance of the Broadway play Hand to God and tried to plug his phone into a fake outlet. Well, if Broadway star and Corky’s mom Patti LuPone was in that show and was on stage at the time, he would’ve gone home without his phone…. because it would have still been attached to the hand she ripped off. Patti has long been a crusader in the anti-rude theatergoers movement and last night, she slipped another victory under her belt when she checked a texter during a show.
The other day I pleaded with the women of the world to open their own Michelle Duggar beauty franchise on top of their heads by reaching for the pink sponge curlers, the jumbo iron, a tub of Queen Helene hair gel and any can of hairspray with a toxic warning label on it. The reigning first lady of Broadway and Corky’s mom Patti LuPone heard my pleas (or she’s way ahead of all of us and planned this looks weeks ago) and walked the red carpet at last night’s NYC screening of Company with her face framed with a flowing stream of luscious perfection.
Ms. LuPone’s version is a little more demure and softer than Michelle’s. It’s like a gentle whisper of Michelle Duggar’s exquisite mane, but she’s on the right track. Next time, Ms. LuPone should dip her head in a bowl of gel as soon as she gets out of the shower and scrunch her curls in front of a heating vent until her hair starts to sound like a ho sitting on a bag of corn chips. Then she should keep the curling iron on her bangs until the smoke wafting from them sets off the alarm and the fire department shows up. That’s how you know you’re on the right side of beauty.
And with that, I can finally say that the Michelle Duggar hair revolution has officially begun!
Here’s Patti’s head carrying the flaming torch of glamour last night with Neil Patrick Harris, Christina Hendricks, Anika Noni Rose and the rest of the cast.