People are so starved for novel entertainment these days that scores of them logged onto Instagram Live last night to watch a grainy Drake bop his big ass head over some dusty beats he had stored in the back of his closet. And not even his primary closet, the closet in his 16th tackiest guest room. According to Complex, Drake “accidentally” (emphasis mine) played a track that was a previously unreleased collaboration with Future in which he raps “Kylie Jenner that’s a side piece” and that he’s got “20 motherfucking Kylies.” As charming and fitting a sentiment as that is, in the cold hard light of day, Drake found the need to say oopsie and blamed the DJ.
I totally remember my 2nd birthday party. The presents, the cake, the semi-truck-sized inflatable gaping maw made in my own image welcoming my guests into a hellscape from which escape is anything but guaranteed. I remember it all like it was yesterday. The thing is, if you’re not spending the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP on your child’s 2nd birthday, they’re just gonna forget it. Kylie Jenner knows this better than anybody. That’s why she risked exponentially increasing daughter Stormi Webster’s future therapy bills on a birthday bash for the ages (well, for the age of 2).
Jada Pinkett Smith is continuing her trend of getting people to spill their secrets to her while sitting around her mystical red table. People reports that this time she ensorcelled Ciara who sat down with Jada, daughter Willow Smith, and mother Adrienne Banfield Norris to talk about her life. Ciara decided to talk about her ex, rapper Future, while gossiping with the Smith girls–specifically how terrible the relationship with him was and how she “unexpectedly” became a single mother. Drag him, Ciara!
In my experience, 5-year-old children are nearly impossible to shop for. It doesn’t matter what you give them, they get all excited by the box but then as soon as the box is opened and the gift unwrapped, they drop whatever book, toy or stuffed animal you carefully selected baring in mind the child’s current interests and abilities, utter a begrudging “thank you” when prompted by their guardian, and immediately move on to the next wrapped box. This cycle will repeat until all the boxes have been opened and all the adults’ feelings have been hurt by the child’s brazen lack of interest in their carefully selected offering. The lesson here is that it really doesn’t matter what you put in the box, so don’t sweat it! Future recently had to learn this lesson the expensive way when he gifted his 5-year-old son, Future Jr., a very expensive looking Rolex watch.
Whenever there’s a story involving walking medicine cabinet Future you know the eye rolls will be continuous because this dude is like a human factory of fuckery. He’s always saying or doing something that makes me think to myself “Is he ever not high?” Case in point: Future allegedly threw a party at a club in Miami, and as far as which ladies he allowed in, the minimum price of admission was that you resemble a stick figure with boobs because anyone claiming to be in or around the plus-sized range were turned away faster than the daily “Baby I Miss You!!” love letters he sends to Ciara’s house.
If you ever needed more evidence we should tax the rich more: here’s Future showing all us peasants, who struggle to make rent and buy food within the same month, how he spends more than many earn in five years each month on the essentials like Chanel and Sneakers.