That persistent, rat a tat tat sound you hear right now is Tom Cruise stomping his little Cha Cha heels in a rage over the news that the release date for Top Gun 2: What Could Go Wrong? has been postponed yet again, this time due to the coronavirus pandemic. If so many lives and livelihoods weren’t at stake, I’d give coronavirus a big wet kiss on the mouth for providing us with this small dose of schadenfreude during this difficult time. Top Gun: Maverick joins a slew of other movies, including the sequel to A Quiet Place, that are having to self-isolate from their scheduled theatrical release dates. According to The Wrap, Top Gun: Maverick’s Goose Is Cooked won’t be buzzing our towers until Christmas.
Top Gun2: The Iceman Cumeth was originally slated to premiere on July 12, 2019, but it was pushed back almost an entire year until June 2020, presumably because Tom wanted to reshoot all his scenes using a booster seat. Now it’s scheduled to open on December 23rd, at which point it will probably look as fresh as archival footage of the Wright Brothers. More tragically, it also means I’ll have to keep coming up with fake Top Gun titles for another nine months!
Another corona-casualty is the theatrical release of the A Quiet Place sequel, A Quiet Place Part II: Shhhhhut The Fuck Up, which was supposed to come out last month. Gee, I can’t imagine why they didn’t just go ahead and release a post-apocalyptic movie where if you cough, you die. AQP2: Librarians’ Revenge is now scheduled to tip-toe into theaters on September 4th, which, honestly, at this point, sounds ambitious. The Wrap adds:
It could be a sign more to come from other major studios potentially writing off the summer 2020 box office and preparing for the possibility that even if movie theaters are able to welcome back audiences with reduced capacity in auditoriums by July, there will be little product to lure back moviegoers who might already be wary of returning to crowded spaces.
Unlike Top Gun 2: Autopilot Erotic Asphyxiation, which has to be seen on the big screen or else Tom just looks like a fly that’s landed on your TV screen, AQPP2 seems like the kind of movie that could easily be released early on streaming like they did for that other horror movie Cats, along with Emma, Birds of Prey and The Invisible Man. But maybe they don’t think anybody is willing to pay $20 to see Emily Blunt not sing. But Cillian Murphy’s in it so SELL IT TO NETFLIX YOU COWARDS!
Pic: Paramount Pictures