The new remake of the 1951 John Huston classic, The African Queen, that starred Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart finally has a trailer. For some reason they’re calling it Jungle Cruise and it stars Emily Blunt and The Rock. It does make me wonder though. It’s a Disney movie, and coincidentally, there just so happens to be a ride at Disneyland called Jungle Cruise. It’s almost too on the nose. Could it be that it’s not a coincidence at all? Nah! There’s no way in hell they’d try to make an entire movie based on the flimsy premise of a lazy river from which a dusty hippopotamus sprays stagnant pond water on a boatload of sunburnt tourists. Sure, they did make all those Pirates of The Caribbean movies, but those only grossed a measly $5 billion worldwide! Surely Disney wouldn’t attempt the same folly twice!
The adventure film stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a wily boat captain (the one in charge of that cheap, but super-fun rig), with Emily Blunt (literally) on board as a determined explorer on a research mission into the heart of the jungle, where she believes she’ll discover a magical healing tree. The film also stars Edgar Ramirez, Jack Whitehall, Jesse Plemons, and Paul Giamatti.
Pshaw. That plot sounds thinner than the premise of a theme park ride! Here’s the first cut trailer. Even though today is National Coming Out Day, Jack Whitehall’s character, who Disney told us was actually going to have an exclusively gay moment where he comes out to The Rock, is nowhere to be seen (if you blinked). Better not gay panic the easily panicked too soon, I guess. Now, you watch this while I sneak off to write some swole Polynesian Popeye fanfic.
Pay Emily Blunt her motherfucking dollars! This looks corny as hell. I’m filing Jungle Cruise under Movies To Fall Asleep To After Reading Swole Polynesian Popeye Fanfic.