Category: Child Army

Brad Pitt, Who Is Not Worried About The Age Gap In His New Relationship, Put His LA Compound On The Market For $40 Million

January 18, 2023 / Posted by:

As Brad Pitt magnanimously awaits a peaceful resolution to his custody dispute with Angelina Jolie, he appears to be taking stock of where life has brought him thus far, and found it lacking, if not in wealth, perhaps in meaning. According to People, Brad has “quietly listed” his Los Feliz home of 30 years for $40 million. What good is a sprawling compound if you have no one with which to share its bounty? What good is a swimming pool, tennis court and skating rink on 1.9 acres in a dense urban enclave to a divorced dad of six whose only true goal in life is to be loved (by the HFPA et al)? When does “real property” become a painful specter of all that’s been lost, and all your heart truly yearns for, is all that’s yet to be found? When one is stripped of the trappings of fame and fortune, all that remains is the truth.

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Nick Cannon Has Added Another Baby To His Ever-Growing Child Army

September 15, 2022 / Posted by:

Nick Cannon’s closest friends and family are probably turning their resignation letters into their employers today, because how can they hold down a full-time job when they constantly have to buy baby gifts and control their eyeballs during his many baby showers? That’s a full-time job in itself.

A few months ago, Nick Cannon threatened the world with more babies and said that his crotch weapon of mass creation was going to bust out more baby-making nuts. Nick kept his promise and his ninth child has entered the world, as his other children sigh to themselves since now they’ll have to split his All That residuals more ways. And soon, they’ll have to split that shit even more ways since two more Cannon babies are on their way.

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Sources Claim Angelina Jolie Is Trying To “Inflict Pain” On Brad Pitt By Requesting The FBI Report About Their 2016 Private Jet Fight Be Released To The Public

August 18, 2022 / Posted by:

If wearing a skirt on the red carpet of his Bullet Train premiere in Berlin earlier this summer was Brad Pitt’s plan-A to distract us from the imminent release of an FBI report Angelina Jolie initiated back in the stone age following the now infamous 2016 fight the couple had on their private jet that eventually led to Brad producing and starring in Six-Years a Divorcé, his plan-B seems to be calling People Magazine’s emergency PR crisis hotline and reminding them how many exclusives of his babies he’s signed off on for them over the years.

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Angelina Jolie Attempted “The Electric Slide” In Celebration Of Zahara Jolie-Pitt’s College Choice

August 1, 2022 / Posted by:

It seems like just yesterday that we watched a toddler Zahara Jolie-Pitt often grace the paps with a masterful, cutting side-eye (seen here) while out and about with her Hollywood elite parents–mom, Angelina Jolie, and dad, Brad Pitt, and her child army of siblings (Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, and Knox Jolie-Pitt). But we blinked, time flew by, and now she’s headed off to college this fall. Angelina took to Instagram to share that Zahara will be attending Spelman College, an HBCU. Around the same time, a TikTok of Angelina attempting to participate in the “Electric Slide” at a Morehouse & Spelman alumni event in LA was posted. Her electric sliding went about as well as you’d expect a white lady’s dancing at an HBCU event to go–not well. Now that Zahara’s side-eye is full grown and I’m sure she cut Angie with it while watching that mess, someone should probably assess her pulse since if anyone’s looks could kill–Zahara’s could–and it might have been low to begin with judging from those lethargic body movements.

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Hilaria Baldwin Is Pregnant With A Seventh Baldwinito

March 29, 2022 / Posted by:

Alec Baldwin is currently in the middle of an investigation into the shooting death of Halyna Hutchins on the set of Rust, he’s facing several lawsuits from the tragedy, and he’s watching his already-shit-stained reputation get covered in more shit from him fighting with Halyna’s widower Matt Hutchins over how he’s taken zero responsibility for the accident, even though he was holding the gun. Not to mention, that Alec has tons of lawyer bills to pay. So what’s an Alec Baldwin to do during all of this? Obviously, the right answer is to add another baby to his ever-growing child army since Hilaria Baldwin is pregnant again. But honestly, I think Hilaria’s answer to all issues and problems is to make another baby. Alec could look at their car insurance bill and say, “This is too damn high,” and a normal person’s response would be, “Switch to Geico.” But Hilaria probably thinks for a second before saying, “I know, Alejandro, let’s solve this problemo by making another bambino!” Alec would sigh while unzipping his pants and making a mental note to let his wife know later that “bambino” is an Italian word.

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Not So Fast: Angelina Jolie’s Son Pax Was Reportedly At Jonny Lee Miller’s House The Night Of Her Visit

June 14, 2021 / Posted by:

I’m sure Angelina Jolie had no idea that creeping in and out of ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller’s apartment wearing a trench coat would cause such a stir in this our summer of Bennifer Redux. It must have been a real shock for her to be awoken to the news that a stir had been caused. This is precisely why, even when on vacation, Angelina retires to her fainting couch each morning following her ablutions, to await being handed a silver receiving tray holding one small tumbler of filtered tap water brought to exactly 68°F, her morning tabloids and two small ampules of smelling salts in case the news is shocking.

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