Scene: A glamorous woman, draped head-to-toe in luxurious satin, supine on a velvet settee. She reaches behind her to pick up a vintage mid-century telephone, inlaid with mother of pearl.
Hello, have I reached Nobu? I’d like to reserve your most conspicuous table please. One more small request, I’d like to order dessert ahead. Off-menu of course. Yes, thank you, I’ll have seven servings of revenge, served ice cold. That will be all.
M’aam. Like I said before, this is a Wendy’s.
Goddamit, HILDY! (shouted indelicately into the mansion’s cavernous void) Get me a fucking table at Nobu and tell all them kids to put on some fucking shoes, we’re going out.
That’s how I imagine things went down at Angelina Jolie’s house when she read the news that the father of her children, Brad Pitt, went public with his (probable) new, much younger girlfriend, in the pettiest way possible: by allowing them to get papped on their way to stay at his and Angelina’s old love-shack in France, Chateau Miraval. The place they were married by the same private judge who is currently presiding over their protracted divorce (and to whom Angelina objects).
Yesterday, we learned that Alanis Morissette and her husband had made the somewhat unconventional education choice by unschooling their three children. Well, despite looking 100% like the type of person who would place a hand to their chest and whisper, “My children are the teachers, I am the student,” Angelina Jolie won’t be calling up Alanis for any anti-traditional school tips. Angelina and Brad Pitt are still hammering out the details of their custody agreement, but they’ve reportedly come to a decision on what the kids are going to do for school. And sources say they’re going the conventional route.
Are you someone who really wants to be a stepparent to 10 million kids and won’t get shaken up by the sound of your girlfriend’s jaw unlocking before she breathes a hot rage of fire into the phone while again fighting with her never-gonna-be-ex-husband over the French vineyard that pisses out the pink wine that makes them a lot of money? (Pink wine, if I may add, that isn’t bad, but is overpriced and needs a bottle redesign because that shit never fits in my extremely fancy wine fridge aka the side shelf of my Frigidaire.) Oh, and you’ll also need to be able to shit money, because those 10 million kids all celebrate Christmas and have a birthday, and also own every single toy that’s ever been created since their birth, so you’re going to have to drop serious cash if you want to impress them.
If you’re good with all of that, then get yourself on sainTinder (or whatever the Tinder equivalent for saints is), because Angelina Jolie is slowly starting to date again.
I don’t know if Jon Voight was ever hoping to become the patriarch of a multi-generational acting dynasty like the Barrymores or the Fondas. But it’s looking like his only chance of that happening will be if the family dog Jacques gets an agent and books a Milkbone commercial. Because Angelina Jolie’s kids don’t want to go into the family business.
Angelina Jolie better watch out, because someone else is building their own child army. And in a very weird, random twist, that someone is Dawson from Dawson’s Creek? Yes, it’s true. James Van Der Beek and his wife, Kimberly Van Der Beek, announced that she is pregnant with their sixth kid.
The premiere for Maleficent: Mistress of Evil was held last night in Los Angeles, and it’s not exactly a surprise that Angelina Jolie would be there. You know, since she’s the second-billed star (I’m pretty sure her cheekbones get top billing). And Angelina decided to bring a plus one, plus two, plus three, plus four, and plus five in the form of her kids Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, Zahara, and Knox. It’s pretty clear that Angelina didn’t circulate a family-wide text beforehand about who would be wearing what, otherwise Zahara wouldn’t have shown up looking like Maleficent’s even more diabolically dramatic replacement that was recruited from an evil finishing school. That scorpion looks like it’s about to hand in its notice and go to work on Zahara’s dress.