Nick Cannon Has Added Another Baby To His Ever-Growing Child Army
Nick Cannon’s closest friends and family are probably turning their resignation letters into their employers today, because how can they hold down a full-time job when they constantly have to buy baby gifts and control their eyeballs during his many baby showers? That’s a full-time job in itself.
A few months ago, Nick Cannon threatened the world with more babies and said that his crotch weapon of mass creation was going to bust out more baby-making nuts. Nick kept his promise and his ninth child has entered the world, as his other children sigh to themselves since now they’ll have to split his All That residuals more ways. And soon, they’ll have to split that shit even more ways since two more Cannon babies are on their way.
If it feels like it was just a quick second ago when we learned that Nick’s prolific jizz was at it again, and that’s because it was. In June, model Brie Tiesi birthed out their first baby together, a son they named Legendary Love Cannon. But Brie isn’t the only recent inductee into Nick Cannon’s carousel of baby-makers. Former Price is Right and Deal or No Deal model, Lanisha Cole, has given birth to Nick’s ninth child, a daughter. And Onyx Ice isn’t the name of a new line of hard seltzers, it’s the name of Nick’s latest child. In his baby announcement, Nick gave a very cult leader-like speech before telling everyone to direct their criticism about his baby collecting ways at him instead of the mothers of his ten million children:
Okay, so let’s go over the current roster of 41-year-old Nick’s child army, including their name, age, and mother:
Morrocan, 11, Mariah Carey
Monroe, 11, Mariah Carey
Golden, 5, Brittany Bell
Powerful Queen, 1, Brittany Bell
Zion Mixolydian, 1, Abby De La Rosa
Zillion Heir, 1, Abby De La Rosa
Legendary Love, 2 months, Brie Tiesi
Onyx Ice, 1 day, Lanisha Cole
Nick’s son, Zen, with Alyssa Scott died from a brain tumor last year at just 5 months old. Both Brittany Bell and Abby De La Rosa are currently pregnant and are expected to give birth to more of Nick’s babies in the next few months.
If Nick ever gets that vasectomy he was thinking about getting (no, he wasn’t), Pampers will have to file for bankruptcy as soon as the snip is made. And since Nick likes to give his children names of fuckery like Powerful, Golden, and Legendary, he’s soon going to run out of synonyms for “great.” I feel sorry for Legendary Love because who, except for a Care Bear, wants to run around with a name like that? But I really feel for Nick’s eventual 30th and 31st child, because they’ll probably end up with names like Just Okay and Meh Cannon.
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