St. Angie Jolie Filed For Divorce From Brad Pitt

September 20, 2016 / Posted by:

2016 is just keeping it coming. TMZ says that Angelina Jolie filed papers yesterday to legally quit Brad Pitt after being married for just 2 years and being together since 2004. She’s asking for sole physical custody of all 6 members of the child army and only wants Brad to have visitation rights. I’ll add more as it comes in, but for now, I need to brace my eardrums for the blood-curdling screeches of pained mourning from the Brangeloonies and from the stage 10 cackle that’s been brewing inside of Jennifer Aniston for years!

Okay, I’m back and my ears have been braced, but I’m writing this from under a sturdy table, because I have a feeling that soon the bawling angels up above are going to start throwing themselves onto earth and pieces of heaven are going to break off and fall all around us. TMZ adds that St. Angie wrote¬†“irreconcilable differences” as the reason why she wants to permanently bury “Brangelina” and she listed September 15, 2016 as the day that they broke up. She doesn’t want any spousal support. The divorce queen of Hollywood, Laura Wasser, is St. Angie’s lawyer.

What’s strange is that when St. Angie filed for divorce, the court didn’t go ahead and end the marriages of everyone since the meaning of true everlasting love has obviously died, been cremated, mixed with some vodka and guzzled up by Chelsea Handler.

TMZ is hearing that we’re not going to get a reboot of the Angie/Brad/Jennifer love triangle starring Angie as Jennifer and Marion Cotillard as Angie. There’s no home wrecking slut tramp whore involved, and the reason for St. Angie bringing on the apocalypse by filing for divorce has to do with her children. Angie wants sole custody, because Brad is a mean stoner and an angry drunk and she didn’t like the way he treated the child army:

Sources connected with the couple tell us … Angelina’s decision to file has to do with the way Brad was parenting the children … she was extremely upset with his methods.

Our sources say, Angelina became “fed up” with Brad’s consumption of weed and possibly alcohol, and mixed with what she believes is “an anger problem” became dangerous for the children.

We’re told there was no alleged “third person” … her decision to file was solely over Brad’s interaction with their children.

I never got “mean stoner” from Brad Pitt. I always thought that he was the kind of chilled stoner who’d bliss out and talk to the potted plant for hours about *~architecture~* and *~design~*. Maybe when Brad gets stoned, he makes the child army watch The Mexican with him and that’s abuse! I bet Ben Affleck is going to try to recruit Brad as his partner in mid-life crisis foolery and will call him up and say, “Dude, you down to vape and pick up honeys in my sweet ride tonight?”

And when asked to comment on the divorce of the holy couple of our time, The Pope only said, “I QUIT THIS BITCH!” before handing over the keys to the Pope mobile and retiring. It makes sense since love AND religion are dead now that Brangelina is over.


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