Open Post: Hosted By Cate Blanchett’s Giant Potato Chips Dress

In that picture, Cate Blanchett looks like she just saw a triple rainbow, or finally let out a stubborn doody bubble that was refusing to vacate her ass, or just learned that she saved 15% on her car insurance. Cate looks so happy and you too would be happier than Kanye looking at Kanye in a mirror if a bunch of potato chips were framing your chichis. Cate wore this Lay’s for Jessica McClintock dress to something called the “IWC Schaffhausen Dinner in Honour of the British Film Institute” in London tonight.

Yes, those giant chips look like they could’ve spent a little more time in the deep fryer, but that dress is still delicious-looking and it’s also pretty dangerous. If I partied with Cate while she was wearing this dress, the next day would be a sad one for me. I’d find myself trying to shit out fabric while going over the invoice that Cate gave me for ruining her dress by drunkenly eating the potato chip ruffles on it.

Pics: Wenn.com

Random = The Cast Of “Ocean’s 8”

“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!

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If The Definition Of A Question Mark Was A Dress, It’d Look Like This

Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!

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Oscar’s Best-Dressed Person Doesn’t Live For The Applause

Slap yourself until you’ve developed a sense of real taste if you thought I was calling Cate Blanchett the “best-dressed person” at the Oscars. Although, she may be a close second, because she looks like the ethereal wedding cake of two faeries who are on Pinterest a lot.

I’m talking about two-time Oscar-winning and one-time Hot Slut winning costume designer Jenny Beavan who picked up her second Academy Award on Sunday night while dressed like she had a Hell’s Angel pot luck to get to afterward. Jenny is known for slathering herself in many layers of WHO CARES when she goes to an awards show. And after she won the Oscar for the costumes she designed for Mad Max: Fury Road, she told reporters backstage that a gown would look dumb on her and in her opinion, she did dress up.

When Jenny’s name was called, she took the long walk to the stage and as she did, the camera caught a bunch of hos looking about as sour as Quentin Tarantino at an orgy full of double amputees. Here’s a longer clip of the human Grumpy Cats not clapping for a real fashion icon:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pL5GXxUcysU

Because this has become news, Jenny wrote a piece for The Hollywood Reporter about the scandal that her hot outfit caused.

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Alicia Vikander Wore What Appears To Be A Fancy Fitted Bed Sheet Last Night

When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.

I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.

Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.

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I See Kanye West Is Designing Red Carpet Gowns Now

Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.

I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.

Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.

Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.

Pics: Wenn.com