Oh, It’s Just A Bunch Of A-List Actresses Looking Bored And Constipated At A Glamorous Funeral

Vanity Fair put out their annual Hollywood issue and it’s a million times better than last year’s cover which had a bunch of actors looking like raggedy messes who just had a drunken orgy in the bushes after prom. But it’s not that hard to be better than last year’s cover. All Vanity Fair had to do was not put Channing Tatum wearing Amy Adams as a scarf on the cover and boom: Instantly better!

For this year’s issue, they took 13 actresses, dressed them in fancy funeral clothes, put them in front of Annie Leibovitz’s camera and said, “Okay, half of you need to look like you’ve fallen asleep with your eyes open and the other half need to look like you’re trying to push out a stubborn fart.”

My favorite one on the cover is Diane Keaton who looks like she wasn’t invited and masterfully photobombed them all. They’re all giving fashion FACE while Diane Keaton tries to kill their vibe by actually smiling. Diane Keaton, who looks like a cross between Charlie Chaplin’s mom and Mary Poppins at a wake, probably got the memo that she was supposed to look like a hungry goth but she didn’t care. Diane Keaton is you on 1st grade class picture day.

And the actresses in order are: Jane Fonda, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet Jennifer Lawrence, Viola Davis, Charlotte Rampling, Rachel Weisz, Brie Larson, Alicia Vikander, Lupita Nyong’o, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Helen Mirren, Saoirse Ronan and Diane Keaton not giving a fuck. Somewhere, Meryl Streep is looking at that cover like, “Awww, how cute,” because while those actresses pose for a little magazine cover, she’s out there accepting her 176th Oscar for just being Meryl Streep.

And here’s bigger shots of the cover as well as the individual pictures Annie took. I see that the theme of the individual pictures was “coming down after a 6-day bender” (see: Charlotte Rampling and Rachel Weisz).

Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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Debra Messing Is Cursing Cate Blanchett’s Name Today

I was hoping that the next Lucille Ball movie would be a horror movie about the terrifying Lucille Ball statue in New York coming to life and opening up a Vitameatavegamin shop where she sells a magic elixir made from the blood of the bitches who tried to get rid of her. That’s not happening. Instead, Hollywood is giving us a big Oscar-baity (probably) authorized Lucille Ball biopic. Cate Blanchett probably woke up this morning to find the words “FUCK YOU CATE BLANDSHIT” graffitied on her garage door and that could mean only two things: Cate Blanchett got the role of Lucille Ball and Debra Messing bought a can of spray paint last night.

The Wrap says that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz’s children, Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr., will produce and because they just had to inject some “the fuck?” into this, Aaron Sorkin is writing the script. The Wrap says the film will only cover Lucy and Desi’s mess of a marriage:

The film will chronicle Ball’s 20-year marriage to Desi Arnaz, with whom she starred on the classic TV sitcom “I Love Lucy.” Ball had two children with Arnaz before they divorced in 1960. She married Gary Morton the following year.

As for who’s going to play Desi, I’m going to guess they’re going to with Oscar Isaac. Or Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan. Definitely Tom Hiddleston with a dye job and a spray tan.

At least they didn’t cast Jennifer Lawrence (who is snatching roles from 30 and 40-somethings left and right), but Cate Blanchett?! She’s not even a natural ginger! Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying that Lucille Ball wasn’t a natural ginger either, but that’s not the point! Hollywood, as usual, doesn’t know shit. They should’ve cast a natural ginger who can do comedy, drama and can bring the sexiness. We all know who that is:

Pics: Wenn.com

Here’s Cate Blanchett And Rooney Mara Staring At Each Other A Lot In The ‘Carol’ Trailer

Here’s the trailer for Carol. The defiantly non-Sapphic Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara play two ladies falling in love in the 1950s. Carol is a socialite who has an affair with a younger department store clerk played by Mara. Kyle Chandler plays Carol’s estranged husband. I’m sorry but I can’t suspend my disbelief for this one. Rooney is definitely an attractive extraterrestrial, but no one is leaving squinty, sexy, Texas football coachin’, Florida sheriffin’ Kyle Chandler. Did you see Bloodline? He’s all middle-aged, wavy hair, sorta getting a belly but who gives a fuck hot. Sweaty button-downs and the badge and trying to save his family from the psycho brother. It was like softcore gay porn!

It’s also the sort of film director Todd Haynes likes to make where he’s paying homage to his beloved dramas of yesteryear. This means there’s going to be a lot of lush period settings and melodramatic white women staring off into the distance or at each other. I’m sure it will be lovely but damn, they do a lot of staring.

Watch the trailer and a gallery featuring Cate and Rooney (with Todd Haynes) at Cannes back in May below. They look like they’re playing an alien mother and daughter in a made-for-TV Dune sequel.

Pics: INFPhoto.com

Cate Blanchett May Have Bumped ‘Ginas With Another Lady Before

Seen above looking like a morph of Kim Gordon and Robin Wright, Cate Blanchett talked to Variety about her new movie Carol, which premieres at Cannes this week. Carol is an old-timey lesbian love story about a married woman (played by Cate) who falls in love with a younger department store salesgirl (played by goth alien Rooney Mara) in 1950s NYC. Variety’s piece is mostly about how Carol was a million years in the making and several directors dropped out before Todd Haynes took the job. Carol is based on the ESCANDALO (at the time) 1952 novel The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith who used a pseudonym, because she didn’t want to deal with the public coming at her.

Cate talks a little a bit about herself in Variety’s article about Carol. She won’t ever read the headline “Cate Blanchett May Have Bumped ‘Ginas With Another Lady Before,” because she doesn’t Google herself. She mostly likes to stay private, she says. But when she was asked if it’s her first time being a gayelle, she dropped a little coy nugget:

When asked if this is her first turn as a lesbian, Blanchett curls her lips into a smile. “On film — or in real life?” she asks coyly. Pressed for details about whether she’s had past relationships with women, she responds: “Yes. Many times,” but doesn’t elaborate. Like Carol, who never “comes out” as a lesbian, Blanchett doesn’t necessarily rely on labels for sexual orientation. “I never thought about it,” she says of how she envisioned the character. “I don’t think Carol thought about it.” The actress studied the era by picking up banned erotic novels. “I read a lot of girl-on-girl books from the period,” she says.

Some took that to mean that Cate Blanchett has come out as bisexual and loves peen AND poon. But I don’t know, she was kind of vague. What does she mean by “relationships” and what does she mean by “many“? Many could be anything. To that slut-shamer extraordinaire Jeremy Renner, “many” is like 4. To me, “many” is like “I haven’t learned how to count that high yet.” What I’m asking is, on the odometer on Cate Blanchett’s vagine, how many of those miles came from coochie bumpin’? I need to know the answer and I’ll never know the answer, because Cate Blanchett will never read that question since she doesn’t Google herself. DAMMIT!

Cate Blanchett Is Not Here For Your Stupid Damn Cat Questions

Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!

During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.

Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?”

Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.”

Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:

Pics: Splash