Slap yourself until you’ve developed a sense of real taste if you thought I was calling Cate Blanchett the “best-dressed person” at the Oscars. Although, she may be a close second, because she looks like the ethereal wedding cake of two faeries who are on Pinterest a lot.
I’m talking about two-time Oscar-winning and one-time Hot Slut winning costume designer Jenny Beavan who picked up her second Academy Award on Sunday night while dressed like she had a Hell’s Angel pot luck to get to afterward. Jenny is known for slathering herself in many layers of WHO CARES when she goes to an awards show. And after she won the Oscar for the costumes she designed for Mad Max: Fury Road, she told reporters backstage that a gown would look dumb on her and in her opinion, she did dress up.
When Jenny’s name was called, she took the long walk to the stage and as she did, the camera caught a bunch of hos looking about as sour as Quentin Tarantino at an orgy full of double amputees. Here’s a longer clip of the human Grumpy Cats not clapping for a real fashion icon:
Because this has become news, Jenny wrote a piece for The Hollywood Reporter about the scandal that her hot outfit caused.
Who am I kidding? Unless it’s a statue of a little naked gold man covering his junk with a sword, that award is going straight in the trash. No, I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio was very happy to win his very first BAFTA this weekend. After all, it gave him an opportunity to practice his “OMG really? Me?” face for the Oscars.
So, as if you couldn’t have already guessed by all your grizzly bear friends going crazy on your Facebook timeline last night, The Revenant won a whole mess of BAFTAs. Cold Sad Leo took home the award for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, but most importantly, Best Actor for Leo. This is also the closest Leo has gotten to winning all five of the most important acting awards. I swear to god, if for some reason Leo doesn’t win Best Actor at the Academy Awards and it turns out that this awards season has been one long Carrie-style prank, then everybody in the Dolby Theatre better say goodbye to their loved ones, because Leo will set them all on fire with his mind.
But something even more exciting than winning an award happened to Leo last night. That’s right, he got to kiss on Dame Maggie Smith!
I was chasing the Tylenol lizard last night (aka I was sick), so I didn’t watch the BAFTAs. But it looks like I clearly should have. I didn’t know they got all horny and made out at these things. If the Oscars wants people to stick around and watch all 1,824 hours of that shit, they should really borrow from the BAFTAs and throw in a mid-show make-out break. And if they really want those Nielsen ratings, they could change it from kissing to full-on fucking. “Sure, whatever it takes to get that Oscar” said Leo, as he mentally prepared to fuck the middle-aged puppet from Anomalisa.
Here’s more of Leo with his Valentine (an award) in the BAFTAs press room with a teeny-tiny Tom Cruise and the angel that has made all his award season dreams come true, Alejandro Iñárritu.
It’s no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than….I’m not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I’m sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic.
Vanity Fair says that Matt Damon joked about Leo’s “OMG I worked so haaard” award season hustle during his introduction of The Martian director Ridley Scott at the Director’s Guild Awards on Saturday night. Both Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio have both been nominated for all the same Best Actor awards this year, but according to Matt, he didn’t have to suck back bison organs to get his.
“Every night at 6 o’clock, the horn blew and Ridley and I went to dinner. And that’s how you make a movie, and we finished the film really early and we saved 2 million bucks. And Leo – we weren’t cold at all. I’m just sayin’. There’s another way to do it.”
Well that’s easy for Matt to say – he already has an Oscar! He doesn’t know what it’s like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what he’s got to do to win one. “Do I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause I’ll do it!”
Here’s Leo DiCaprio, who probably got a major boner from the sight of all those Oscar silhouettes, and Matt Damon, who looks like a dude who wants to sell you a 36-month lease on a Kia Sedona, at the Oscars nominee luncheon yesterday.
Seen above happily releasing a fart into the face of a 2-starred candy striper who knows what’s coming and doesn’t like (Side note: I know, I showed my nerd ignorance by not knowing who she’s dressed as. Or maybe I’m right and 2-Starred Candy Striper Girl is an actual superhero.), Robert Downey Jr. is the latest Avenger to spit out some outrage fuel into the gas tank of the Internet.
On the same day that RDJ hit the nope switch and quit an interview after he was asked questions about politics and his drug days, The Guardian asked him for his thoughts on what Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu said about big-budget superhero movies full of explosions and more explosions. Alejandro said that big-budget superhero movies “have been poison, this cultural genocide, because the audience is so overexposed to plot and explosions and shit that doesn’t mean nothing about the experience of being human.” RDJ didn’t side-eye Alejandro for using the phrase “cultural genocide” to describe stupid superhero movies, but he did condescendingly slow clap over Alejandro, whose first language is Spanish, being able come up with such big English words on his own.
“Look, I respect the heck out of him, and I think for a man whose native tongue is Spanish to be able to put together a phrase like ‘cultural genocide’ just speaks to how bright he is.”
If you need to see those words come out of RDJ’s smug slit, skip to the 0:27 mark below:
This may blow RDJ’s mind, but English is my first language (“Could’ve fooled me, you illiterate bitch!” – you) and I can say “cultural genocide” in Spanish, French and Italian since it’s not that goddamn different.
Or maybe RDJ is side-eying Alejandro, who is Mexican, for casually using the phrase “cultural genocide” when Spanish explorers committed actual genocide hundreds of years ago. I don’t know! But I do know that these Avenger bitches are going all out during this press tour. Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans pissed people off by jokingly calling Black Widow a slut and a whore. During a taping of Graham Norton (which airs this weekend), Elizabeth Olsen apparently compared her character to a “gypsy” and when Graham told her that word is a slur, Mark Ruffalo started chanting “gypsy” over and over again to get it out of his system. And now this. It’s as if right before the press tour started, the head of publicity said to their staff, “This movie is going to shit money into our mouths no matter what we do, so let’s just let those messes go out on their own and say whatever they want. Let’s commit liver genocide by boozing it up in the Caribbean, you slut whores!”
Here’s RDJ, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner and Mark Ruffalo on Good Morning America today.
The Oscar producers aren’t right and should really be punished for the crime against humanity they pulled last night. The Oscars went beyond 30 minutes over and by the time they got to the last award of the night, Best Picture, many of us were rode hard, put away wet and needed a liver transplant from drinking an entire BevMo! to get through that mess. So the last thing any of us needed at that point was the image of Sean Penn on our screens. It was way too late for that.
Right before Sean announced Birdman as the Best Picture winner, he opened the envelope paused and said, “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” He was talking about that hot Mexican piece Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman’s director. Sean was in 21 Grams, which Alejandro directed. Sean Penn understandably gets a lot of globs of hate thrown at him for being Sean Penn, and his face got splattered with even more globs of hate last night for telling that joke. But Alejandro told reporters backstage that it didn’t bother him and he laughed at the joke.
“I found it hilarious. Sean and I have that kind of brutal (relationship) where only true friendship can survive … When I was directing him in 21 Grams, he was always making jokes like that. … We have that kind of relation of old friendship. .. I thought it was very funny.”
Yes, they’d joke all the time! Every time Sean came to set, he’d scream, “La migra! La migra,” around Alejandro and they’d both laugh and laugh. After they laughed about that joke, Alejandro would tell Sean that he doesn’t want the authorities to show, because if they did they’d probably find the woman he tied up in his trailer. And they’d laugh and laugh some more until Sean stopped laughing, because he had to run to his trailer to “check on something.” And really, Sean is probably secretly pissed at Alejandro for not casting him as Michael Keaton’s role in Birdman. Because if anybody has what it takes to play a washed-up, pathetic, insecure actor, it’s Sean!