Category: Camila Alves

What In Confusing Constellation Hell Is Happening On Anne Hathaway’s Hand?

October 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The Los Angeles premiere of Interstellar (aka Gravity 2: Electric Space-aloo) was held last night, and for some reason, Anne Hathaway decided to decorate her right hand with a bunch of jagged metal Krusty Os. NO! I know they’re supposed to be stars, but they seriously look like something that could do a shit-ton of damage. I’m sure many people at the after-party spent the entire night terrified that the DJ would yell “Wave your hands in the air if you just don’t care!“, and prompt her drunk ass to start whipping that thing around like a mace. Wait, do Hollywood premieres even have DJs? I don’t think it would matter; Anne Hathaway strikes me as the type who lives by the mantra “dance like no one is watching, sing like no one asked.”

Then again, Anne could be wearing that angry net of pewter star barnacles (starnacles?) to deter any more journalists from trying to shake her hand. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean she wants your dirty Ebola germs, people!

But as much shade as I’m throwing Annie H for that diamond-encrusted disaster, I legit love it for two reasons:

1. It reminds me of when Charlotte’s 1 million spider babies are born at the end of Charlotte’s Web

2. It’s giving me flashbacks to the mountains of busted-looking Jazzy Jewelry I made as a kid. In fact, I’m pretty sure I made something similar to what’s on Anne’s hand, except it was a necklace and it was covered in glitter glue. And to answer your question, yes, it looked STUNNING paired with my Northern Getaway turtlenecks.

Here’s more of Anne and her low-budget Dr. Claw hand at the Interstellar premiere last night, as well as stoned armadillo Matthew McConaughey and his wife (who sort of looks like a sexy puddle, if that makes any sense?), Jessica Chastain, and Renesmee from Twilight:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

As Always, Matthew McConaughey Brought Stoned Armadillo Realness To The American Cinematheque Awards

October 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, His Royal Hiiiighness The Sun-Baked Bongo King Matthew McConaughey was honored with an American Cinematheque Award for his tireless efforts to just keep livin’ and awright awright awright-ing (and also maybe for acting). But I guess he figured it wasn’t that much of an honor, since he’s already won the only acting award that counts – AN OSCAH!!! – so he said fuck it and decided to collect his award looking like a high-ass reptile who spent the afternoon passed out on the beach in a sandy pile of Doritos and empty Bud Light Lime-A-Rita cans. “Who says I didn’t? Awright awright awright.

I’m not sure what an American Cinematheque Award is, but it sounds French, so bravo Le T-Rex du Texas! I mean, it had to be at least a little bit of a big deal to win, since he brought the most glamorous woman in his life to help him collect his award. No, I’m not talking about his wife Camila Alves. I’m talking about the stunning sunset-colored Texas Topaz who birthed him, Mary Kay McConaughey! Momma Kay became my favorite of the Hollywood Moms the time she flashed her Spanx-covered buttermilk biscuit on the red carpet. She’s the true star of the McConaughey family! Give her the award! At least you know she won’t show up looking like a dude named Lyzard who keeps getting busted for trying to sell stale weed from the cereal aisle at Walmart.

Here’s more of The Sun-Baked Bongo King picking up his ACA with his wife Camilla (who looks kind of like what you’d get if you used the ‘Make Look Human’ tool in Photoshop on a picture of Kim Kardashian, aka gorgeous), Matt’s hot mom Kay, and some of Matt’s former co-stars, like AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, Jennifer Garner, Kate Hudson, Jessica Chastain, and Anne-with-an-E Hathaway looking like the long lost 5th member of the South Park goth kids:

Pics: Splash

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And The Best Dressed Of The Critics’ Choice Awards Goes To…

January 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.

The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.

Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.

Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

January 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)

Leonardo DiCaprio Brought The Hot To The Wolf Of Wall Street Premiere

December 18, 2013 / Posted by:

There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.

Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.

Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).

(Pics: Splash)

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