Sunday Bloody Sunday: Bono Laid Up In The Hospital After Getting In A Bicycle Accident

Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2’s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.

It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.

The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.

But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.

And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).

Pics: Wenn.com

Bono’s Diddy Burn Was The Best

You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.

P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.

I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.

All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!

(Pic: Wenn)

Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)