Lauren Sanchez Talks About Being “Devastated” Over Losing A Gig On “The View,” Jeff Bezos’ Pancakes, And Having To Be More Private Now
What’s it like to be the World’s Most Glamorous Woman on the arm of the World’s Baldest Billionaire? Well, nobody is really sure because MacKenzie Scott refuses to do interviews about her ex-husband Jeff Bezos. But Jeff’s new lady friend Lauren Sanchez did! And while she may not be quite as glamorous as Mac, Jeff’s “goofy” ass (Lauren’s word, not mine, but also mine) is lucky to have her. Billions of dollars won’t buy you love, but it can buy you a former working girl (in this case, a former Extra correspondent) with a head for business and a bod for sin. According to Lauren’s alma mater, Extra, in her “first solo interview!,” she told The Wall Street Journal (so much for that inside scoop, Extra. How are you gonna keep ‘em on the farm when they’ve seen the inside of Jeff’s Bezos’ space dick?) that losing out on her “dream job” as one of the hosts of The View in 1999, was “one of the most devastating days of [her] life.” But if you think Lauren is still wallowing in pity and regret 23 years later, then you don’t know Lauren at all.
In case you’ve somehow overlooked the flashy diamonds, exotic cars, opulent estates, private jets, on-demand stylists, hairdressers, barbers, tattoo artists and high-powered attorneys, state-of-the-art shitters, army of yes men, coast guard of big booty hoes, oceans of champagne and legally binding Certificate of Authenticity signed by the entirely of the NBA under duress, Drake is very rich. So rich, in fact, that he’s privy to luxuries the rest of us never even knew existed, let alone included on the vision boards of our youth. But Drake’s had his eyes on the prizes since before he could walk (which didn’t happen until 2009, prior to that, he required the use of a wheelchair if he wanted any attention or money). Drake recently let his fans in on a little secret only known to the wealthiest and most elite individuals on the planet. Trump may have used his power and influence to grab pussies with impunity, but Drake’s made of softer stuff than that. Well, it actually depends on what he’s eaten and how many bottles he’s popped, but for Drake, taking a long slow shit in private while other people are waiting in line is proof positive that he is a man of extraordinary
Could it be that our internet-age Icarus has, at long last, flew too close to the sun? In this case, the sun being Dave Chappelle’s white-hot dragon breath? Because not only did Elon Musk get his ass torched by ten minutes of sustained booing, it looks like he’s had his eyelashes singed off too so now he looks even more like Dr. Evil dressed up as Pennywise the Clown for a costume party at Twitter HQ but is now standing outside in the rain arguing with the bouncer that he doesn’t need an invitation (it’s his party, dammit), before being led away by security, his comically large rubber shoes squeaking the entire time, much to the delight of the crowd of revelers who just unanimously voted that he should be 86’ed from Club Twitterverse for good.
You’d think that after a month of playing with a new toy that spoiled billionaire Elon Musk would have gotten bored and moved on to something else to waste his time on. Maybe “manage” his two other businesses? Nah! The man who proved that money can’t buy you cool is still wiling his time away on Twitter, hoping that Nathan Fielder will see it and become his best friend. Shockingly, the only people Elon is managing to befriend throughout this fiasco are far right-winger messes. And due to the increase in hate speech and ugly content, some users believe that this might lead to Twitter being kicked off of Google and Apple’s app stores. But the meme-stealing CEO has a plan for that eventuality: he’ll make his own phone! Please, Elon, stop “fixing” things and go hang out with your kids or something!
Going through a divorce can be stressful, so I can understand why MacKenzie Scott might be hoarding boxes of Samoas and Thin Mints in her freezer, but with $84.5 million dollars worth of cookies, she’s gonna need an entire temperature-controlled warehouse to store them. Of course, by my logic, that means that MacKenzie was hoarding lesbians, Black people, affordable housing, and icebergs in the wake of her divorce from Jeff Bezos, so maybe Mackenzie just made the single largest individual donation to Girl Scouts of the USA because she cares.
Elon Musk Sold 10,000 Bottles Of Cologne That Smells Like Burnt Hair And Is Pretty Sure He Doesn’t Have Any More “Looming Babies”
I suppose every generation has had to contend with eccentric billionaires. It’s just that billionaires nowadays are far richer and further isolated from the reality the rest of us live in. Take Howard Hughes, for example. He was a big weirdo who probably enjoyed the smell of burnt hair and was unnaturally obsessed with his own semen, but he didn’t have legions of fans willing to egg him on at each and every increasingly demented endeavor. If he did, we would have seen one of his relatives on Antiques Roadshow let out a resigned sigh when Mark L. Walberg tells them the Hughes Tool Company branded bottle of urine they found in the attic isn’t even worth 5 cents at the recycling center. Meanwhile, legions of Musk Rats are out here throwing good money after bad buying up $100 bottles of Burnt Hair scented cologne from Elon Musk’s gag business The Boring Company. You see, Howard may have drooled on stars. But Elon is one.