On January 12, 2022, the true definition of love moved to Boca, got itself an AARP subscription, signed up for a water aerobics class, and practiced its yelling voice to yell at children playing on their lawn. Because it decided it was time to retire after Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet quit each other after nearly 17 years together. There was no reason for the true definition of love to continue to work since its work was a lie! But wait! True everlasting love may not be a lie after all since it’s been reported that Jason and Lisa are giving it another shot.
Aaron Rodgers Says He Still Loves Shailene Woodley And Is Grateful To Her For Showing Him Unconditional Love
Despite looking like a fleshy, walking, talking, yet barely coherent Bored Ape, Aaron Rodgers has the heart and soul of a poet. And he proved that yesterday with a lengthy Instagram post that misquotes Rumi, and with radical gratitude, recounts the moments he first met Shailene Woodley, the woman who showed him “what unconditional love looks like.” Even though they broke off their engagement last week, Aaron says he still loves Shailene and is grateful for her. And in that spirit, Aaron ended his missive with the words “spread love and gratitude,” which is technically impossible to do while simultaneously spreading coronavirus but hey, I guess it’s the sentiment that counts.
Brooklyn Beckham, eldest son of David Beckham and Posh Spice, is a man in love. At 21, he’s already engaged to his girlfriend of just over a year, billionaire scion/actress/model/ alleged maid abuser Nicola Peltz. But these days, an easily broken engagement is hardly proof enough of one’s eternal devotion. We’ve officially entered the era of “tats or it didn’t happen” and as such, Brooklyn is more sure he’s met the one true love of his life in Nicola than Pete Davidson was when he met Cazzie David. I mean Ariana Grande. Sorry, make that Piggy Smallz. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? No, scratch that. Pete’s one true love is a pot-smoking Air Jordan with droopy eyes. And according to his growing dermal anthology, Brooklyn’s is Nicola.
When you get out of an extremely longterm relationship (yes, one year is “extremely longterm” in the universe of celebrity), you should always take some time to really get to know YOU again by writing long entries in your journal, or by going on a solo 1,100 mile hike to make peace with past mistakes and get in touch with the true soul inside of you, or just do what I do, and hook up with the first Grindr trick who shows you an ounce of attention and mess it all up mid-fuck by crying about dying alone. Whatever Channing Tatum did to get over the devastating heartbreak of splitting up from his longtime love (again, one year is approximately ten years in celebrity relationship time) Jessie J, it brought him back to her. He must have missed her doing him like the man’dem, because they’re together again.
I know, guy in the Kenny Powers sunglasses, I’m just as shocked as you are. Last week we learned that Henry Cavill had maybe sat his 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King down, told her to put away her homework for a second, and informed her that she wasn’t going to be a famous person’s girlfriend anymore. But true mid-30s/teen love never dies, apparently. Or at the very least, finds a way to bring itself back to life a few times before it’s officially declared dead.
Shortly after the rumors of them being done popped up, Henry and Tara were seen at a charity run in Henry’s home isle of Jersey. Yes, that buff piece in the black shirt standing next to a ponytailed blonde in the peach tank above is Henry and Tara. But just because Henry and Tara got all sweaty for charity together, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s back off the market. A source told UsWeekly last week that their plan is to remain “good friends.”
Yahoo has a couple better pictures of Henry and Tara at the charity run. All of which feature Henry in some tight spandex running leggings and a pec-accentuating GoPro holster, which you can see here if you want to see that. What am I saying? Who wouldn’t want to see Superman’s junk stuffed in some tights? Well, besides all the critics who are shuddering at the idea of watching Batman vs. Superman a second time, of course.
Yahoo says that Henry and Tara were joined by Henry’s family (that lady in the hat taking a picture of Henry and Tara is Henry’s mama) and Tara’s daddy, and that they “happily” chatted with each other. No word on what they chatted about, but I’m going to guess that at least one person made it awkward by saying: “So…this is weird, right? Like, are they a thing or not? I’d really like to know how I should be tagging my Instagram pictures.”
Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!
Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.
“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.
When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”
During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.
Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)