Lauren Sanchez Talks About Being “Devastated” Over Losing A Gig On “The View,” Jeff Bezos’ Pancakes, And Having To Be More Private Now

What’s it like to be the World’s Most Glamorous Woman on the arm of the World’s Baldest Billionaire? Well, nobody is really sure because MacKenzie Scott refuses to do interviews about her ex-husband Jeff Bezos. But Jeff’s new lady friend Lauren Sanchez did! And while she may not be quite as glamorous as Mac, Jeff’s “goofy” ass (Lauren’s word, not mine, but also mine) is lucky to have her. Billions of dollars won’t buy you love, but it can buy you a former working girl (in this case, a former Extra correspondent) with a head for business and a bod for sin. According to Lauren’s alma mater, Extra, in her “first solo interview!,” she told The Wall Street Journal (so much for that inside scoop, Extra. How are you gonna keep ‘em on the farm when they’ve seen the inside of Jeff’s Bezos’ space dick?) that losing out on her “dream job” as one of the hosts of The View in 1999, was “one of the most devastating days of [her] life.” But if you think Lauren is still wallowing in pity and regret 23 years later, then you don’t know Lauren at all.

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Matt Lauer’s Friends Are Reportedly “Completely Appalled” By Him Now

After Matt Lauer was fired for “sexual harassment” back in 2017, he probably thought things could not get worse. He tried to wait it out, and hoped he could maybe refurbish his career, but then here comes Ronan “To Catch A Predator” Farrow showing up with his magnifying glass ready to blow Matt’s shit up twice. Matt’s back in the headlines for being a creep, but this time he’s been accusing of being a raping creep. But he denied it, saying it was only a consensual affair. His accuser, Brooke Nevils scoffed at that suggestion and now his friends are apparently turning on him, and more work people are letting us know how sexually hostile that environment could be. Matt Lauer’s rock bottom just blew out.

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NBC News Fired Matt Lauer After He Was Accused Of Rape By A Colleague 

So we knew that Ronan Farrow was coming out with a book, called Catch and Kill, and was planning to cover even more allegations about Matt Lauer that’d make you go down to the ER and say to the nurse, “Um, yeah, there’s a very good reason for why I look like I just walked out of BODIES: The Exhibition and that’s because all my skin straight-up and literally crawled off and ran far, far away. So yeah, I’m going to need new skin whenever you get a minute.” Well, say goodbye to your skin, because an interview from the book has been released and it includes allegations of Matt Lauer anal raping a woman who worked for NBC News. Welp, cut to a bunch of slabs of skin hitchhiking on the side of the road while holding a bindle. They’re out of here.

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Savannah Guthrie Will Replace Ann Curry

It’s not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah’s the one all the way to the right who’s giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah’s deal to be Today’s new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn’t announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock’s betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi’s “Hero” on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That’s what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren’t going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host…. I was hoping if it wasn’t going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled “Natalie Morales Matt Lauer” this came up:

But then again, when I Googled “Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer” this came up:

And “Ann Curry Matt Lauer“:

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily ‘Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn’t been winked at by Matt Lauer’s peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.

Meredith Vieira Doesn’t Want To Replace Ann Curry

Ann Curry will soon let out her last “good morning, good morning, good morning, everybody, morning” as co-host of Today, because Matt Lauer hates her and he’s hoping that for his next edition of “Where in the World Is Matt?” he’ll report from her vacant office. For months now, there’s been rumors that the producers of Today can’t wait to pink slip Ann, and when Matt resigned, he let them know that he really wants a new co-host. Cut to last night when The New York Times reported that the producers will push Ann out of the anchor chair any day now. They’re hoping to get Ann out before the Olympics start. So your dream of seeing Ann awkwardly say “mmmm hmmmm” next to a topless Michael Phelps has been crushed!

TMZ says that the NBC peacock put on its trench coat, covered its face with a fedora and met Meredith Vieira in a dark alley to offer her the co-anchor job back. Ann got the job a year ago after Meredith quit, because she was sick of waking up at the hour of the ungods and wanted to spend more time with her family. Meredith turned their asses down, but will stay on as a special correspondent.

Since Meredith is over that shit, NBC has put third hour co-host Savannah Guthrie at the top of their list. Some sources say that NBC will make Ann a foreign correspondent since she’s better at reporting from Darfur than asking Kim Kardashian how often she bleaches her asshole hair.

Yeah, Savannah Gurthie is their top choice. They can choose between Savannah, Natalie Mortales and Tamron Hall, and they go with Savannah’s unflavored oatmeal ass? That’s like saying Shelley Hack is your favorite Charlie’s Angel.

Watching Ann interview guests during a fluff piece is about as pleasant as having butt sex with a cactus, but she’s not the main problem. I watch that mess every day and every day they show me a viral video I watched three weeks ago, show me how to make a salad, show me the latest summer trends in white capris and force feed me Star Jones’ opinion on stupid shit. So yeah, what I’m saying is that it’s Star Jones’ fault. BLAME STAR JONES.

From The “How Do I Fap To This?” Files: Al Roker As Prince Hot Ginge

Out of all the wigs that tried to quit a bitch during Today’s ridiculous mess of a Halloween show this morning, why couldn’t it have been the dull beaver’s ass on top of Al Roker’s head?

My nipples have the weirdest hard-on right now and my other parts that usually flutter when Prince Hot Ginge’s name comes on my screen are so confused after watching Al Roker as Prince Harry. There is just so many thick layers of HUH?! here. Prince Hot Ginge would never walk into a LensCrafters unless it had a bar of contact lens cases full of vodka, so those glasses on Al Roker’s face are historically inaccurate! The top of PHG’s head naturally looks like a volcano erupting into an orgasm and so that sad piece of dusty rust carpet on Al’s head just isn’t going to work. Al looks more like the butch Indian lesbian who sat next to me in 9th grade English and tried to convince me that her ginger hair was all natural and not from a date with Miss Clairol. Bitch totally looks like a Bollywood version of Rojo Caliente.

With all that being said, even though Al Roker makes a terrifying Prince Hot Ginge, it is still my duty to fap to all things Prince Hot Ginge. Today is the day I find out if tears can double as lube.

Here’s more from Today overdoing the overdone royal wedding this morning. The cast of messes included Matt Lauer as Prince William, Ann Curry as Kate Middleton, Natalie Morales as Pippa, Savannah Gunthrie as Prince Charles, Hoda & Kathie Lee as Eugenie & Beatrice, the laptop girl from the 4th hour as Posh and Meredith Vieira as Queen Elizabeth.