Anytime I ever see a Tesla speeding down the street, I think to myself, “they’re kinda nice cars, I should get one someday” (Tesla would totally accept my proposed payment plan of $50/month over 10,000 years, right?) But then, as quickly as I begin fantasizing about my custom Hello Kitty plush interiors, I’m reminded that Elon Musk is a cartoon supervillain come to life. And yesterday, Elon must have been bored and decided to fuck with people, because he shared his unprovoked thoughts on gender pronouns. And you can pretty much guess how it went.
Text Messages Between Amber Heard And Elon Musk Were Read In Court At Johnny Depp’s Libel Trial Against The Sun
Everywhere there’s a celebrity shit show, you can expect to find Elon Musk lurking somewhere in the background. A couple of weeks ago he was standing hip to hip with Kanye West in support of Kaye’s presidential candidacy (he even involved himself last night in the midst of Kanye’s Twitter spree claiming “We talked about an hour ago. He seems fine.” via Reuters). And according to Deadline, his name has once again come up in the literal shit show that is Johnny Depp’s libel suit against The Sun. Amber Heard continued to give testimony yesterday, and text messages between her and Elon were read in court establishing that Elon had offered to provide Amber with round-the-clock security, even if she didn’t fuck him. WHAT A GENTLEMAN!
Just when you thought the weighted blanket covered in dogshit that is 2020 couldn’t get any heavier, in comes Kanye West, the living, breathing embodiment of humility and grace to announce that he is running for President––just a few months before voting is set to take place. Oh yes, this is totally not a ploy to get his best friend Donald Trump re-elected. But when are we going to all find out that we died on January 1st and this is hell?
When we last left the chunky diarrhea puddle of a messy legal fight between Johnny Depp and his ex-wife Amber Heard, a 911 call was released of Amber’s friend telling authorities that Johnny was attacking Amber. Since then, Amber’s legal team (which included #MeToo co-founder Roberta Kaplan) have left the case, saying that they still believe her but that travel and logistics in the time of COVID-19 became tricky and expensive so it was better for Amber to be represented by a legal team based in Virginia. Johnny filed a $50 million defamation lawsuit against Amber after she accused him (but didn’t name him) of abusing her in an op-ed piece for The Washington Post. Johnny filed the lawsuit in Virginia because that’s where The Washington Post is based.
Well, now Cara Delevingne has been dragged into this wreck because it’s been claimed in a deposition that she had a threeway with Amber and Elon Musk in 2016. Why did I just picture Elon Musk getting spit-roasted with Space(se)X-brand cyborg strap-ons? But according to Elon, that cursed image is only a product of my gutter sludge brain because he never had a threesome with Amber and Cara.
When Elon Musk and Grimes’ baby first entered this world a month ago, his parents gave him the name X Æ A-12 Musk. Then the state of California harshed Elon and Grimes’s cool parent vibe by having a little rule about naming your kid with letters and ligatures. So then it was revealed that his new name would be X Æ A-Xii, which was a bit more acceptable, but still not totally legal in the eyes of California. The Blast got their hands on a copy of Musk Baby’s birth certificate, and after an annoying amount of confusing updates from both his parents, he shall henceforth be known as: X AE A-Xii Musk.
Elon Musk and Grimes attempted to seem very cool and smart by naming their son X Æ A-12 Musk. It wasn’t long before we learned that the state of California wasn’t about to let that happen, because you can’t use numbers in a name in California.
People magazine says that Grimes was asked about her son’s name on Instagram yesterday. Because it’s not technically legal for her 3-week-old son’s name to be what her and Elon cooked up one night in their king-size hyperbaric longevity chambers, people wanted to know if they were going to change it. They have and Grimes tweeted their baby’s new name. This also means it’s only a matter of time before Elon pops in and pulls some obnoxious, “Well, aCtUaLLyYyYy….”