Considering his escapades of late, nobody should be surprised that Elon Musk, father of 6, has decided to become a SoundCloud rapper. However, his choice of subject for his rap debut is quite eye-opening. I would have maybe expected Elon to wax/rap poetic about sexy space robots or smoking blunts on Mars, but rapping about Harambe the gorilla from like three years ago, sippin’ on Bombay in heaven? Actually, considering his escapades of late, this actually doesn’t surprise me all that much either. Much like Ja’mie before him, Elon is like, so random you guys, isn’t it hilarious?
Grimes is on some new shit now. She’s just released a concept album called Miss_Anthropocene and her goal is to “make climate change fun”. As far as I can ascertain, the villainous Miss_Anthropocene is “a psychedelic, space-dwelling demon/ beauty-Queen” who’s hellbent on bringing about an apocalypse, but like in a super fun way? So that’s cool. Grimes discussed some of the particulars of this project in a Wall Street Journal interview, and also revealed that she’s still on some of her old shit, that old shit being Elon Musk.
Elon Musk has finally found a way to get Tesla some good publicity after he spent his summer driving their name into the ground. First he called a Thai cave rescuer a pedophile. Then his girlfriend at the time, Grimes, invited her friend Azealia Banks, to come party at Elon’s house and she ended up exposing him. And then he plummeted stock prices by getting high with douche-bro legend Joe Rogan. And finally, Elon got charged with securities fraud. This all led to Elon having to step down as chairman of the company. Best summer ever, amirite!? Well Elon found a way to salvage things with one simple tool: DOGS!
That Rolling Stone interview from last year gave me the impression that Johnny Depp’s closest friends are his legal team (and any random journalists who happen to stop by for a chat). Now I’m pretty sure I’m right because he’s just filed a wild $50 million lawsuit against his ex-wife Amber Heard. In it he states that Amber’s claims of domestic abuse are all just “an elaborate hoax to generate positive publicity” for herself. The suit is pinned to claims Amber made in a December, 2018 Op-Ed for The Washington Post. Johnny also dragged Elon Musk into this mess by claiming he and Amber started their relationship a month after they were married, and that Elon was at their house, creeping in and out of the penthouse elevator, the night he and Amber got into a fight over a postnuptial agreement. Johnny says that fight led to Amber throwing a vodka bottle at him, which resulted in him having to have his finger “surgically reattached”. Just when we all finished treatment for the smoke inhalation we suffered from during their train wreck of a divorce, Johnny is bringing it back. Grab your oxygen masks!
Elon Musk has been going through it. He was charged with securities fraud and had to step down as chairman of his Tesla, also broke up with his girlfriend, and remember he called that cave rescuer a pedo? Oh yeah, and stock prices for Tesla plummeted when he smoked weed with uber bro, Joe Rogan. All in all, he’s giving a pretty good showing if he’s trying to show us how badly he can fuck up. And the bad news keeps coming, as it’s now being reported Tesla investors are going after Elon for his “funding secured” tweet and they are looking to Grimes and Azealia Banks for all the hot tea.
Based on Elon Musk’s recent behavior, if I had to predict a side-project he’d get into, I might guess a line of zero-gravity rolling papers or a better home security system. As it turns out, Elon Musk is launching a tequila brand.
This all started six months ago when Elon celebrated April Fool’s Day by tweeting that Tesla had gone “so bankrupt.” Part of the joke was that Elon had drowned his sorrows in an obvious play on Tesla and tequila.
Elon was found passed out against a Tesla Model 3, surrounded by "Teslaquilla" bottles, the tracks of dried tears still visible on his cheeks.
This is not a forward-looking statement, because, obviously, what's the point?
Happy New Month! pic.twitter.com/YcouvFz6Y1
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 1, 2018
Tesla isn’t bankrupt yet, but the part about Teslaquila was true. TMZ says that Elon has filed legal documentation to start a Tesla-branded tequila company. According to the documents, Elon claims that Tesla will start manufacturing “distilled agave liquor” and has filed trademark applications for Teslaquila. “Teslaquila” sounds too much like a form of gut rot you get in your lower intestine from eating the worm.
Despite this all starting on April Fool’s, it’s definitely not a joke. Elon tweeted that his tequila will be coming soon and posted a mock-up of the label (above).
I know that’s not the real bottle, but it still looks cheap as hell, especially coming from a billionaire. It kind of reminds me of a kid from my high school who used to sneak booze to school in an empty Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo bottle. Despite that bottle design, tequila is a great idea for Tesla. Especially for people who work at Tesla. It’s the perfect thing to get drunk on when you’re a board member and you remember the mess you just inherited.