Jeff Bezos Became The Second Billionaire To Launch Into Space

July 20, 2021 / Posted by:

Well, he did it. The goofy little bald man just burned billions of dollars to fly into (almost) space in a cock-shaped rocket and all I got was this $18.99 Blue Origin New Shepard Rocket Blueprint T-Shirt off Amazon which I plan to defile by clumsily adding a pair of balls and some pubic hair with a Sharpie. And that $18.99 goes right into Jeff Bezos’ pocket so really, who is the asshole here? According to CNN, Jeff and his Blue Origin crew, which included his brother Mark Bezos and Oliver Daemen, a Dutch teen whose hedge fund daddy paid an undisclosed amount for his seat (the person who originally won the auction had paid $28 million before dropping out due to scheduling issues), flew 60 miles from the earth for about 10 minutes. They even let a girl go with them! Their pilot, 82-year-old Wally Fink, became the oldest woman to launch into space. Upon touching back down to earth, Jeff said it was the “best day ever,” possibly because for the first time in his life people had to use a telescope instead of a microscope to see his dick pics.

Richard Branson may have done it first, but Jeff did it second which has to count for something right? RIGHT? CNN reports:

Just a reminder: This has all been done before.

Sure, they’re the first billionaires to ride rockets that they’ve funded themselves to touch the edge of space, but humans have been doing that with publicly-funded programs for decades now.

OK, you know what CNN. That was rude and uncalled for. May your Amazon locker forever be invaded by ants! Let’s try this again, shall we? CNN reports:

The four passengers on Tuesday strapped into their New Shepard crew capsule at Blue Origin’s launch site in rural West Texas just before the rocket lit its engines at 8:12 am CT, sending the vehicle blaring past the speed of sound and up to more than 65 miles above the desert landscape, topping out at an altitude of 351,210 feet. At the peak of the flight path, the passengers were weightless for about three minutes and were allowed to unstrap themselves from their seat to float around and soak in panoramic views of the Earth and the cosmos.

The launch was visible to reporters on the ground, with the rocket streaking across the almost cloudless Texas sky with a blooming contrail. The bright blaze of the rocket engine looked almost like a star or planet as it rose into the sky. Bezos and crew could be heard on Blue Origin’s livestream cheering as they moved about the capsule during the microgravity portion of the flight.

“It’s dark up here, oh my word!” Funk could be heard saying.

Sounds amazing and I have good news! Amazon Prime subscribers can simulate the experience with a Mindfold Relaxation and Blackout Sleeping Mask, Total Darkness with Your Eyes Open ($13.75), and a Playskool Sit ‘n Spin (Classic, Peppa Pig or PJ Masks, $39.99). Or you can just work really hard like Jeff did and earn your seat on the next Blue Origin rocket.

Blue Origin said it’s planning to fly as many as two other New Shepard passenger flights this year. But the company has not given any indication of whether it will set a public price point for tickets, nor has it revealed how much Daemen, the Dutch 18-year-old who flew with Bezos, had to pay over for his seat. The company has stayed declined numerous requests for additional information about ticket prices.

Here’s Jeff thanking his employees for pissing in bottles so he could piss in a bottle. IN (almost) SPACE.

Oh my god, that hat. I thought this was going to be much cooler. I demand a refund!

Like, MUCH cooler.


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