Category: Lauren Sanchez

Sources Complained That Production On Lauren Sanchez’s Self-Financed Feature Film Has Been A Disaster

March 21, 2023 / Posted by:

Move over Tom Cruise, there’s a new Maverick in town! And she’s been to space! Well, near space. Lauren Sanchez, Jeff Bezos’ paramour, isn’t your typical billionaire’s bimbo (yes, we’re all looking at you, Ann Lesley Smith! Until he puts a ring on it, you’re just another dime-a-dozen widowed sexagenarian singing lady cop priest with an ancient boyfriend!), she’s a business woman! Who’s been to near space! As such, she’s making moves and doing thangs. One of those moves is “self-financing” “her first indie movie,” and one of those thangs is asking “to land her helicopter on set.” In heels! Well, in heels taller than Tom’s!

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Lauren Sanchez Talks About Being “Devastated” Over Losing A Gig On “The View,” Jeff Bezos’ Pancakes, And Having To Be More Private Now

January 25, 2023 / Posted by:

What’s it like to be the World’s Most Glamorous Woman on the arm of the World’s Baldest Billionaire? Well, nobody is really sure because MacKenzie Scott refuses to do interviews about her ex-husband Jeff Bezos. But Jeff’s new lady friend Lauren Sanchez did! And while she may not be quite as glamorous as Mac, Jeff’s “goofy” ass (Lauren’s word, not mine, but also mine) is lucky to have her. Billions of dollars won’t buy you love, but it can buy you a former working girl (in this case, a former Extra correspondent) with a head for business and a bod for sin. According to Lauren’s alma mater, Extra, in her “first solo interview!,” she told The Wall Street Journal (so much for that inside scoop, Extra. How are you gonna keep ‘em on the farm when they’ve seen the inside of Jeff’s Bezos’ space dick?) that losing out on her “dream job” as one of the hosts of The View in 1999, was “one of the most devastating days of [her] life.” But if you think Lauren is still wallowing in pity and regret 23 years later, then you don’t know Lauren at all.

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Leonardo DiCaprio And Lukas Haas Were Also Partying On A Yacht In St. Barts Over New Year’s

January 5, 2022 / Posted by:

There must have been some kind of climate summit going on in the Caribbean over the holidays because Lauren Sanchez wasn’t the only person to counterbalance her St. Barts yacht excursion over New Year’s by posting about a pet environmental cause on Instagram immediately after. Page Six reports that eco/panty-warrior Captain Leonardo DiCaprio and his First Mate Lukas Haas, known affectionately within the Pussy Posse as “little buddy,” also spent New Year’s Eve partying on and in the waters surrounding St. Barts with Lauren, Jeff Bezos, and a plethora of other folks who must have had a lot of PTO on the books to spare. Thanks to these brave men and women who have devoted their lives to saving our precious environment, we now know that 26,000 rainforest and Eucalyptus trees have been planted onsite at Mongo Valley Wildlife Sanctuary in Australia and that Leo likes to nibble the celery in his poolside Bloody Mary like an adorable little koala bear!

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Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Partied In St. Barts Over New Year’s

January 3, 2022 / Posted by:

I thought I was balling on New Year’s Eve because I popped a pretty nice bottle of cava someone had left at my house over the summer while wearing my good house pants, but leave it to Zaddy Warbucks to remind us all just how poor and ugly we really are. Billionaire Playboy Jeff Bezos and his Billionaire’s Playboy Bunny Lauren Sanchez just had to go and prove that while money may buy you happiness, it can’t buy you class. You have to be born with it otherwise you run the risk of looking like Pitbull’s colorblind cousin twice removed and an anatomically confusing aftermarket Janice the Muppet. Thankfully, Jeff and Lauren have class to spare so they both just looked incredibly cool and wealthy on their New Year’s yacht excursion in St. Barts that they each posted on Instagram. Don’t believe me? Then explain why Lauren followed that post up with a post wishing The Bezos Earth Fund a “year of major choices in preventing climate change and protecting nature,” totally countering any environmental damage their excursion caused. So, you know what, you caught me. I guess you can buy class too. Environmental funds are fucking expensive!

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Lauren Sanchez Went Gaga Over Leonardo DiCaprio In Front Of Jeff Bezos

November 8, 2021 / Posted by:

Jeff Bezos may be the richest man in the world, but even with that resume he couldn’t stop his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez from ogling Leonardo DiCaprio at the recent Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA) Art and Film Gala. For once in their relationship, Lauren’s the one with the wandering eye! Should Leo be onboard when Jeff’s $500 million Super Yacht eventually crashes into an iceberg/populist uprising and sinks, you can be absolutely certain that Lauren is gonna find a way to fit his ass on that door. What am I saying, she looked at Leo like he was the damn door, and tried to scramble up him to safety before the suckerfish attached to her arm pulled her down.

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Lauren Sanchez Is Throwing Jeff Bezos A Party To Celebrate His Return From Space

August 7, 2021 / Posted by:

Lauren Sanchez, the bewitching human-silicone hybrid and sizzling hot (heat safe to 500F) side piece turned entrée of billionaire Jeff Bezos, is celebrating his biggest dick pics ever taken in the absence of blackmail. As we all know, since it was slammed in our faces more times than Ron Jeremy fluffed for a blow job, Jeff Bezos became the second billionaire in space after a giant peen rocket hauled him beyond the Kármán line last month. And according to People, Jeff’s possible fiancée, Lauren, has been busy making trips to The Party Store to pick up packs of streamers and Star Trek-themed paper cups and plates, since the shipping on her Amazon order got all screwed up again and they sent each item in separate boxes, all subject to their own delays. Girlfriends of billionaires: They’re just like us!

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