Category: #tooktwitter

Alyssa Milano Made Whoopi Goldberg Sigh On “The View” By Announcing She’s Sticking With Twitter

November 30, 2022 / Posted by:

We can’t credit Alyssa Milano for the creation of the #MeToo movement but we can acknowledge that she was one of the first celebrities to inspire my usage of the hashtag #TookToTwitter, which, despite my considerable efforts over the years to make that a thing, continues to languish from disuse, forever criminally underused and hanging by a thread much like the fate of Twitter itself since Elon Musk took over (or #TookTwitter, for those keeping track) and fired all the adults. But ever since Alyssa got a little bit of credit for helping #MeToo spread like wildfire on Twitter back in the early days of our current end times, she’s used the platform as a virtual soapbox (yes, her avatar is STILL standing on a literal one, megaphone in hand) for her burgeoning career as a leftist rabble-rouser. And she’s not going down without a fight.

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Twitter Is Running On The Fumes As Hundreds More Employees Jump Ship

November 18, 2022 / Posted by:

Over the past few days, doom-scrolling Twitter has taken on an entirely new meaning. It’s actually kind of been fun, but then again, I have none of Elon Musk’s beluga-hued skin in the game. But according to Business Insider, the Titanic memes and hashtags like #RIPTwitter, #Twitteroff, and #Twittershutdown being gleefully shared probably hit differently for the hundreds of employees who Elon hadn’t already fired as they watch Twitter sink, circling the very drain that Elon walked in with just three weeks before. All the while, Elon’s been working “morning to night, seven days a week,” doing everything in his power to assure the few remaining employees who hadn’t already resigned after yesterday’s ultimatum deadline that they’re a big joke to him by posting dank memes, featuring himself, at their expense, and locking everybody out of their offices until Monday.

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Elon Musk Tells Twitter Employees To Work 80-Hour Weeks And Took Away Their Free Lunch

November 14, 2022 / Posted by:

I’ve been passively enjoying the implosion of Twitter as much as the next person but Elon Musk is really making it difficult for us to differentiate between which desperate, impulsive, and unhinged decisions are real, and which are parody. And not for lack of a consistent policy on Blue Checks. Not when Elon himself has changed his profile picture to one where he’s wearing the little Last Samurai costume he rented for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party. He couldn’t even buy a date, it’s so sad. Just a grown man with too much money playing dress up and doing power poses on the red carpet like an 8-year-old boy in his new Christmas Underoos. So how are we supposed to know if the same guy who’s telling his employees they need to work 80-hour weeks, go into the office, and have to bring their own lunch from now on, also tweeted, “Twitter feels incredibly alive,”? You guys, I think he thinks we think he’s cool. I’m crying.

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Elon Musk Settles On $8 A Month For Twitter Blue

November 2, 2022 / Posted by:

Tired of feeling insignificant, impotent, and, let’s be frank, ugly, but don’t have $44 billion dollars to throw around? No? How about $20? Surely you must have $20 laying around somewhere. Have you asked your mom? Maybe she could help. Still no?! Jesus, OK. How about $8? Because Elon Musk is really trying here. As it turns out, free speech ain’t free so Elon’s been trying to find a way to monetize it by selling blue checks as a perk for joining Twitter Blue, a subscription service that Elon seems to think will upend the “current lords and peasants system” by allowing everyone the opportunity to become an edgelord for just $8 dollars a month. And that’s his final offer! For less than the cost of a cup of coffee (was in the 80s), you can save yourself from the utter and complete humiliation of being the type of person who would spend $8 a month to share a blue check with intellectual luminaries such as Meghan Markle’s estranged sister Samantha Markle and The United States of America’s estranged former president Donald Trump. You see, Elon did happen to have $44 billion on hand, so he’s all set. But the rest of you uggos are really making things difficult for him.

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Elon Musk Stopped By Twitter HQ As Part Of His Crusade To “Help Humanity”

October 27, 2022 / Posted by:

The ink isn’t even dry yet, and there are still a number of Is to dot and Ts to cross on Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter, but he’s already thrilled and delighted his soon-to-be employees by instituting a new company tradition— Bring Your Sink To Work Day! According to the BBC, Elon still has until tomorrow to finalize his purchase, but he got a jump start on being the HNIC (what? head nerd/neanderthal, narcissist- take your pick!) by dropping by Twitter’s San Francisco headquarters carrying a porcelain sink. Seems random, I know, but Elon’s not your typical CEO! Elon’s got jokes, and while this gag appears to be solely in service of a very sweaty pun, he tweeted, “Entering HQ: let that sink in,” any employee who doesn’t want to count themselves among the reported 75% reduction in the workforce he has planned, better have laughed their fucking asses off. Those who either didn’t laugh or made themselves scarce when Elon arrived, better hope he says “psyche!” again by midnight tonight.

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Twitter Has Sued Elon Musk In An Attempt To Force Him To Go Through With His Acquisition

July 13, 2022 / Posted by:

Twitter is finally taking steps to rid itself of its troll problem. Well, not all the trolls obviously, some I imagine are useful for traffic, but the big ugly one that has been running around leaving poop emojis in their corporate offices must be stopped. As expected, after Elon Musk officially withdrew from his acquisition agreement to buy the company for $44 billion, Twitter has released an army of lawyers armed with big words highlighter pens and filed a lawsuit against Elon to “compel consummation of the merger,” in the hopes that he won’t shit where he eats, I guess. Jokes on them though since trolls as nasty as Elon will happily eat their own shit for lols, even if it costs them a $1 billion breakup fee.

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