Open Post: Hosted By Drake’s Bathroom Secrets

January 20, 2023 / Posted by:

In case you’ve somehow overlooked the flashy diamonds, exotic cars, opulent estates, private jets, on-demand stylists, hairdressers, barbers, tattoo artists and high-powered attorneys, state-of-the-art shitters, army of yes men, coast guard of big booty hoes, oceans of champagne and legally binding Certificate of Authenticity signed by the entirely of the NBA under duress, Drake is very rich. So rich, in fact, that he’s privy to luxuries the rest of us never even knew existed, let alone included on the vision boards of our youth. But Drake’s had his eyes on the prizes since before he could walk (which didn’t happen until 2009, prior to that, he required the use of a wheelchair if he wanted any attention or money). Drake recently let his fans in on a little secret only known to the wealthiest and most elite individuals on the planet. Trump may have used his power and influence to grab pussies with impunity, but Drake’s made of softer stuff than that. Well, it actually depends on what he’s eaten and how many bottles he’s popped, but for Drake, taking a long slow shit in private while other people are waiting in line is proof positive that he is a man of extraordinary mbeans.

Drake is deep in preparation for a show at the Apollo Theater (Drake may be rich but even he couldn’t get them to rename it the Adonis Theater as a tie-in for the release of Certified Lover Boy) which he boasts will be “a trip down memory lane.” Yesterday, in an Instagram Story, Drake announced that he was “gonna start using 2023 to tell you my truths,” and I’m sorry to report that Drake’s Truth ((™)a Subsidiary of God’s Plan)) is that you’re broke and ugly. But please, don’t let that discourage you! Drake himself was once at least one of those things, and look at him now! His richer than God and shits where and when he pleases. #CrapGoals, #veryrichveryregular, #BallersDoItBackToFront.

I love it when Drake inadvertently tells on himself, and in this post, he’s telling us that, in the past, he habitually asked to use people’s private bathrooms and was refused entry many, many times. But then he became so rich that doors started opening up for him. Maybe once the level of respect he enjoys reaches the heights his level of wealth has afforded him, it won’t just be the doors to staff bathrooms at strip clubs and sports arenas that will be open to him. Until that day, just like the rest of us, Drake will continue to put his pants on one leg at a time. But unless the rest of us, Drake needs the privacy because he is one of those weirdos who takes his pants all the way off when he goes to take a shit. #ChampagnePoopie

Pic: Seth Browarnik/startraksphoto.com, TMZ

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