Kanye West is still doing the damn thing. AKA, causing an absolute shit storm on social media for his ex Kim Kardashian and her new piece, Pete Davidson. He’s threatened to “beat Pete Davidson’s ass,” he’s decapitated Pete in Claymation, and now Kanye is suggesting that he’s worried Pete will get Kim “hooked on drugs.” Too late–the Koven has been hooked on filler and attention for decades.

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Last month, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced their seventeen nominees for 2022’s Hall of Fame induction, including Eminem, Lionel Ritchie, Pat Benatar, and Dolly Parton. This was Dolly’s first time being nominated, and, as a legend with a career spanning seven decades, I assumed she’d be a shoo-in. But today Dolly shocked the world when she tweeted that she’s bowing out of the race because she doesn’t feel like she’s earned the right to be inducted. Great, even Dolly fuckin’ Parton has imposter syndrome. Come on, girl-boss, lean in!

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Icarus ain’t got shit on Pete Davidson whose determination to put himself in the center of a white hot mess isn’t exclusive to dating Kim Kardashian. This fool is actually going to light a pile of cash on fire to have Jeff Bezos fly him directly towards the sun. According to TMZ, Pete’s been confirmed as one of five passengers who will cram themselves into Jeff’s space dildo next Wednesday for Blue Origin’s 4th manned flight to not quite outer space. Maybe he realized he was doing too much when he texted Kanye West that he was in bed with his wife as seen in a series of screenshots of text messages between the two that were shared on social media over the weekend? I might risk getting my ass hairs singed by Jeff’s cocket boosters too if it meant avoiding running into Kanye at Nobu. Not when he’s penned twin poems titled Dead and Divorce and posted them on Instagram. I’d want to get off this planet too if I thought there was a chance I’d have to listen to Kanye spit some slam poetry at me while I’m trying to enjoy a $50 salad.

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Stanley Tucci began his career as an actor and model, but in recent years, he’s made a successful transition to being a Hot Older Man. Like Christopher Meloni before him, Stanley Tucci has a loyal fan base of men and women who would gladly volunteer to be drenched in cocktail juice from The Tooch, if for some reason he suddenly found himself single and no longer married to Emily Blunt’s sister Felicity Blunt. But here’s the thing – Stanley Tucci has no idea why people find him hot.

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Michael Cera recently welcomed his very first child. Yep, he’s a daddy! I mean, congrats and shit, but you’d think after knocking up Juno in Juno, the dude would be extra careful about not becoming another teen dad statistic. WAIT. Wikipedia has informed me that Michael is 33 years of age. Sigh. We are all very old.

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After every cherub quit their job and took a place in the unemployment line over hearing the news that Aaron Rogers and Shailene Woodley broke up, he has hinted that they’re still together by calling her his “amazing partner” during a podcast interview and apologizing to her for dragging her into his anti-vaxx fuckery. So either they never split or Shailene dumped him since he’s bad for her brand and Aaron has reached new levels of desperation by publicly trying to get her back. Just picture him holding up a boombox outside of her house Say Anything-style while blasting Stevie Wonder’s Contract On Love as renegotiation papers are tucked into the pocket of his trench coat  – Just Jared

The good news is that Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Rita Moreno, and Sally Field are starring in a road trip comedy together!!!! The bad news is that the movie is produced by Tom Brady and is about them traveling to Houston to see him play at the Super Bowl in 2017. This has become the sheer definition of “a check is a check” – Gawker

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