Category: Thanks But No Thanks

Alan Cumming Returned His OBE To The Palace Because He Doesn’t Want To Be Associated With “The Toxicity Of Empire”

January 27, 2023 / Posted by:

That’s Plain Old Alan Cumming to you, pal! Don’t you dare call him Sir, Dame, Esquire, Baron, Earl, Marquis, Viscount, or Duke while that one is on the throne? Not that Alan’s newly shed designation as an Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, or OBE, entitled him to use any of those titles, but it’s the principle that counts. People reports that as a gift to himself of the occasion of his 58th birthday, Alan returned the title bestowed upon him by THE QUEEN in 2009 in recognition of his work as an actor and advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. Apparently, that OBE doesn’t hit the same when the figurehead of the British Empire is an absolute clown.

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Fans Of Taylor Swift Are Convinced That The NFL Hinted That She’s The Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show Performer, But A Source Said It’s Not True

September 23, 2022 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift operates as an enigma wrapped in a red scarf and metaphors, so it’s no surprise that her fans, the Swifties, took something seemingly meaningless and thought it would give them one more opportunity to bask in the strawberry-scented fumes of her environmentally catastrophic private jet. This time, TMZ said that the NFL provided Swifties with speculation fuel because they released a press release at midnight announcing that their new Super Bowl sponsor is Apple Music. As we know, Taylor is releasing an album on October 21 (which is also enemy Kim Kardashian’s birthday, oooooh, burn!) called Midnights and has released new music at midnight in the past, so since she’s claimed ownership of 12 a.m., the fans were convinced that the NFL’s choice must hold some type of Swiftnificance in the way of the Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show. But, now sources are also claiming that she will NOT be performing.

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Dolly Parton Turned Down Her Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Nomination Because She Doesn’t Feel Worthy

March 14, 2022 / Posted by:

Last month, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced their seventeen nominees for 2022’s Hall of Fame induction, including Eminem, Lionel Ritchie, Pat Benatar, and Dolly Parton. This was Dolly’s first time being nominated, and, as a legend with a career spanning seven decades, I assumed she’d be a shoo-in. But today Dolly shocked the world when she tweeted that she’s bowing out of the race because she doesn’t feel like she’s earned the right to be inducted. Great, even Dolly fuckin’ Parton has imposter syndrome. Come on, girl-boss, lean in!

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A Nonprofit Organization Declined A Donation From Jamie Lynn Spears

October 19, 2021 / Posted by:

The whole mission statement of a nonprofit organization is right in the name. Are they eyeball-deep in profits? (Fancy French voice) Non. Non, they are not, usually at least. So how does such an organization get the money they need? With donations, of course! Generous contributions by donors like you! Well, not you, Jamie Lynn Spears. Jamie Lynn recently tried to dump some cash on a charity, and they asked her to kindly put down her checkbook because they did not want any of her money. Tell me your nonprofit is #FreeBritney without telling me you’re #FreeBritney.

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Dolly Parton Doesn’t Want A Statue Of Her Erected In The Tennessee State Capitol

February 18, 2021 / Posted by:

Politicians keep trying to court Dolly Parton‘s favor with flowers, but she keeps batting them away! Now, we can all understand why she declined the wilted gas station carnations Donald Trump tried to lure her into The White House with, but Dolly is so humble and free from ego she’s even declined the opportunity to have a statue of her installed on the Capitol grounds of her home state of Tennessee. According to WBIR News, a house committee introduced a bill in January “requesting the State Capitol Commission to start planning the installation of a statue of Dolly Parton on capitol grounds,” but apparently nobody bothered to ask Dolly if he wanted to see her likeness used as an outhouse for pigeons.

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Michael Sheen Returned His OBE To The Queen

December 30, 2020 / Posted by:

The only thing I’ve ever been given by Queen Elizabeth was a response to a letter I wrote her about god knows what. I was about seven, so I was likely asking her if she is allowed to stay up late to watch The Simpson’s. I’ve never been mad at The Queen for any reason, so I don’t know what I would do with that letter (I’m kidding, I’d absolutely sell it on eBay). Michael Sheen got something from The Queen in 2009; she presented him with the Order of the British Empire. And when Michael decided it was no longer the honor it once was, he knew exactly what he wanted to do with it. Michael Sheen packed it up and sent it back to Her Majesty.

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