Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.

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Over the weekend, 27-year-old Jessica Lowndes (that’s Adrianna to the four of us who watched the 90210 reboot) got herself some attention on Instagram when she queefed up post after post about a mystery older sugar daddy who’s filling her chocha with his liver spots-ridden fingers and slathering her in diamonds. The president of the Society of Gold Diggers, Heather Mills, probably held back on sending Jessica a tiny gold shovel membership pin, because her posts were suspect from the beginning. Jessica’s Instagram posts about her sugar pepaw came out of nowhere and came off about as natural and believable as her acting skills. Part of me guessed that Jessica finally got a job as a spokeswhore for SeekingArrangement.com. But then last night, 58-year-old Jon Lovitz blew minds out of heads (not really) when he revealed himself as Jessica’s rich old piece by tweeting this picture of them together and calling her his “bunny.” Jon Lovitz’s “Yes, tricks, this is what I have to do for attention now” face pretty much says everything that needs to be said.

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Seriously? Janice Dickinson has given us years of faithful service as a glamorous self-proclaimed “world’s first supermodel” and fully-entertaining reality TV mess of the highest order, and this is how life repays her? First Bill Cosby, now this? Shame on you, life. You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

Caitlyn Jenner’s favorite face and body prototype revealed during an interview with The Daily Mail that she was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. I always assumed the chemicals in Janice’s military-grade implants were powerful enough to prevent even the most malignant of growths, but apparently I was wrong. A doctor found a pea-sized lump during a routine medical exam and sent her for a mammogram and biopsy, where it was discovered she had early stage ductal carcinoma in situ, or DCIS. Apparently that’s a common form of breast cancer. Somewhere, Lynne Franks’ boobs are nervously shifting around in her bra, like “I swear, I had nothing to do with this…”

But don’t cry any silicone tears for Janice just yet; she says she’s going to beat cancer with the same ferocity she used to allegedly beat Backdoor Farrah during a Celebrity Big Brother after-show.

“It’s still quite shocking. Today I got very scared…I just get very scared and it hit me. But I am not gonna let that define me, the fear. I’m going to get through this, I’ll be just fine kiddo.”

Janice adds that mom died of cancer, which is truly the cherry on this bummer sundae. But she’s getting through it all with support from her kids and her fiance, Dr. Robert Gerner, as well as spending lots of time in the garden behind her house.

“I go out there to meditate and I have gorgeous koi fish and see the butterflies and the rainbows.”

I think I speak for everyone who has a dusty VHS tape containing several episodes of The Surreal Life labeled with a piece of masking tape that says “DO NOT ERASE!!!” on the front by wishing Janice all the butterflies and rainbows today.

Pic: Wenn.com

Strangely enough, the birth of the newest member of the Trump family wasn’t announced by Donald Trump himself in a tweet where he posted a picture of his “good-looking newborn grandson” next to a bad picture of one of Ted Cruz’s children with the caption, “The images are worth a thousand words.”

34-year-old Ivanka Trump gave birth to her and her 35-year-old husband Jared Kushner’s third child yesterday, and a quick second after that baby was pulled out of her body, they announced the birth all over social media and posted a picture of Trump’s new grandson on Instagram. Ivanka birthed out a son at 5:43pm EST, and she and Jared named him Theodore James Kushner. They have a 4 1/2-year-old daughter named Arabella Rose and a 2-year-old son named Joseph Frederick. Here’s their riveting birth announcement:

Jared and I feel incredibly blessed to announce the arrival of Theodore James Kushner. Jared, Arabella, Joseph and I are so excited to welcome this sweet little boy to our family!

I know that Ivanka supports her inflamed hemorrhoid of a dad’s presidential campaign (because duh, she’s not about to get blacklisted from his company and cut out of his will), but I was still hoping that she’d piss him off by naming her new kid something like F. TheWall Trump or maybe Abdul Hector Megyn Trump. Although, she did name him Theodore and “Ted” is a nickname for Theodore, so I’m going to choose to believe that she threw a “fuck you” at Trump by naming her son after her dad’s current rival Ted Cruz.

And I’m sure Donald Trump has already sent his daughter a push present in the form of a gym membership with a note that read, “Make that body great again, hot stuff!”

Here’s Ivanka and Jared going to Sunday brunch just hours before Donald Trump’s 8th grandchild was born.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

So that’s why I got a warm feeling deep down in my soul that the world had just gotten a little more gorgeous this weekend. Yeah, that feeling on my insides was probably my heart tightening from the six Mr. Munchy chocolate bunnies I ate, but I’d rather pretend it was triggered by Tameka “Tiny” Harris-née Cottle passing on her teacup Mariah Carey genes to another little girl.

UsWeekly says that Tiny’s husband and honor-defender of almost 16 years, T.I., announced on Facebook that she had given birth to their third child together/seventh in total on Sunday. Baby Tiny is their first daughter; she joins their two sons, 11-year-old Clifford “King” Joseph Harris III and 7-year-old Major Philant. They have four other children from previous relationships.

According to T.I., the reason Baby Tiny’s birth announcement happened on something as basic and tacky as Facebook was because he was out of town when Tiny gave birth in Georgia, and he wasn’t able to get home before a bunch of blabbermouths (like Tiny’s niece) spilled the new baby news all over social media. Good lord, how next-level RUDE. Don’t they understand that by running their mouths about T.I. and Tiny’s baby, they effectively denied the rest of us of an expertly-lit and airbrushed Instagram birth announcement portrait like the picture above?

Not much else is known about T.I. and Tiny’s third baby together. But because Tiny is, well, tiny, I’m going to assume the baby was so tiny it came out of her Botoxed vagina wearing a red blood cell as a hat and riding a partially-digested Fatburger french fry that got lost in her uterus on its way to her stomach.

They also haven’t announced what their new baby’s name is, but as of right now they’re calling it “#Lucky7″. I’m sure it’s just a place holder until they decide on something more permanent. But honestly, if ~unique~ baby names keep going the way they’ve been going, there is a chance that #Lucky7 might be that baby’s name. I’d actually be 100% supportive of such a name; any baby that shares DNA with one-half of Tiny and Toya is the definition of #Lucky.

Pic: Instagram

Cinnabon goes too far this year with their Sin-A-Bun Easter Special. – Shadeball

Upvote winner:

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Toast. – Clair

Pic: Reddit