Category: Jon Lovitz

In Case It’s Not Obvious Enough From The Flowers, The Premiere For “Mother’s Day” Happened

April 14, 2016 / Posted by:

In all seriously, I’m really glad to see that the flower wall from Kim and Kanye’s wedding is still getting work.

I wouldn’t have thought that Garry Marshall and the crew from his latest full-of-stars film Mother’s Day would would have enough time to throw a red carpet premiere. I figured that as soon as he croaked “That’s a wrap!” on Mother’s Day, he’d wrangle everyone back up and start working on Memorial Day or Susan B. Anthony Day or whatever his next sort-of-a-holiday holiday-themed movie is. But I guess you just can’t keep the stars (and the star-adjacent, as you’ll see below) from strutting down a red carpet, because they had one last night in Los Angeles.

As you can see, Jennifer Aniston was there with a smile on her face, despite the fact that she apparently didn’t do enough smiling and waving on her way in and got booed. I was really hoping that some of Justin Theroux’s red carpet antics  would have rubbed off Jenny and she’d roll up to the premiere of Mother’s Day in a pair of elastic-waist Mom Jeans and an appliqué vest. But she didn’t. Instead she asked her limo driver for his jacket and wore it as a dress. Julia Roberts also walked the red carpet, but sadly she didn’t do it in that busted orange Ana Wintour wig she wore in the movie. Kate Hudson wasn’t there because she was too busy untangling herself from J. J. Watt’s wall of abs. No, she wasn’t there because she had another thing to go to.

Here’s more from the premiere of the movie that will make a million moms wish they could have snuck an extra mimosa for two from brunch into the theatre. Once you’re done slogging through all the nobodies at the beginning, you’ll get to the real stars of the night at the end. I’m of course talking about three-time Garry Marshall movie star Wedil David, all-natural beauty Kara Del Toro, and friend of Real Housewives Taylor Armstrong.


Jessica Lowndes And Jon Lovitz Trolled Everyone To Promote Her Music Video

March 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Thanks to stranger-bitch-no-more Jessica Lowndes, none of us will ever trust anyone AGAIN, because she messed with our emotions and lied to us with that PR stunt that was blatantly a PR stunt to promote something. Jessica let it be known on Instagram today that she isn’t engaged to Jon Lovitz and the whole thing was just an early April Fool’s joke to get people to watch her video for “Deja Vu (Remix).” Two things:

1. I have to slow clap for Jessica Lowndes, because she managed to fool some messes into thinking that she’s actually fucking Jon Lovitz. And now more than two people (including me) actually know who Jessica Lowndes is.

2. But after I slow clap, I’m going to use my hands to flip her ass off, because I watched that wreck of a video and now I have the image of her swallowing Jon Lovitz’s jizz and Kanye-ing him in his juicy booty hole. I can practically hear the sound of both of those things.

And now I’m just waiting for Jessica Lowndes to announce that her messy song and messier music video are April Fool’s jokes too.

I Wouldn’t Induct Jessica Lowndes Into The Shameless Gold Digger Club Just Yet…..

March 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, 27-year-old Jessica Lowndes (that’s Adrianna to the four of us who watched the 90210 reboot) got herself some attention on Instagram when she queefed up post after post about a mystery older sugar daddy who’s filling her chocha with his liver spots-ridden fingers and slathering her in diamonds. The president of the Society of Gold Diggers, Heather Mills, probably held back on sending Jessica a tiny gold shovel membership pin, because her posts were suspect from the beginning. Jessica’s Instagram posts about her sugar pepaw came out of nowhere and came off about as natural and believable as her acting skills. Part of me guessed that Jessica finally got a job as a spokeswhore for But then last night, 58-year-old Jon Lovitz blew minds out of heads (not really) when he revealed himself as Jessica’s rich old piece by tweeting this picture of them together and calling her his “bunny.” Jon Lovitz’s “Yes, tricks, this is what I have to do for attention now” face pretty much says everything that needs to be said.

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