More magical moments like Mimi getting pushed around on a janky chair cart may soon hit our eyeballs, because UsWeekly and Page Six say that she’s currently shooting a reality show for E!. Mimi doing a reality show covers my stale soul with thick layers of glittery YES, because I have a feeling it’s going to be a glorious mess like her legendary Cribs episode. But all of those thick layers of glittery YES immediately  got covered with skid marks of NO after I read that it’s for E!. Mimi should not put herself in the same basic cable family as the Kartrashians. Mimi’s reality show should be for Bravo since it’ll probably be like Real Housewives of LisaFrankLand.

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One of the most dangerous games of Russian Roulette you’ll ever play is with the movies on Jennifer Aniston’s IMDB page. Sure, you might get lucky and land on a good one, like Office Space or Wanderlust (or if you’re really lucky, Leprechaun). But sadly, there’s an even greater chance you’ll get Rumor Has It or The Bounty Hunter. Apparently this is something Jennifer Aniston is aware of.

Jenny, who is currently promoting that Mother’s Day movie, recently admitted to Harper’s Bazaar that she’s not exactly proud of some of the things she’s done for a paycheck. I don’t have a dictionary handy, but I think that might be the definition of Irony?

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So much for Madge supposedly raising the white flag and letting Rocco Ritchie live in London with his dad. Rocco and Guy Ritchie were in a London court room today to continue the train wreck custody fight against Mage. Nothing really happened. Madge wasn’t there, because she’s spreading her Rebel Heart world tour through Australia. And tonight (which already happened in Australia), she spread the sad clown emotions during a special one-night-only show for 1,500 fans in Melbourne.

The free, invite-only show was supposed to start at 10:30, but it didn’t start until almost 1 in the goddamn morning, because it took Madge a long time to do herself up like Edith Piaf if Edith Piaf went to a clown-themed rave wearing clothes and a wig she found in a cardboard box marked “give to Goodwill” outside of Nicki Minaj’s house. In the show titled Tears of a Clown (working title: Fuck The Cunt That Is Guy Ritchie), Madge warbled out a lot of ballads and songs she really doesn’t perform live. She rode around on a tricycle and of course, she brought the raw sadness in front of a giant picture of Rocco even though Rocco apparently wants her to stop doing that.

Madge opened with Send In The Clowns from A Little Night Music, and a clip of it ended up on YouTube. I was completely ready to hate all of it, and for the first few seconds I did, but then I started to love it all. I mean, it’s so damn weird and a mess. Madge yodeling out a show tune and flashing her nalgas while dressed up like a sad, slutty clown. It’s like something you’d see at Baby Jane’s lounge show in the basement of a club in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. It’s HIGH ART!

Madge is back!

And before you press play on that video, you may want to send in the ear plugs.

Pic: Instagram

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may have scraped their 10-year marriage into the trash almost eight months ago, but they still haven’t dragged the bag to the curb yet. According to E!, no divorce documents have been filed in Los Angeles by Ben and Jen since they officially called it quits back in June. Not only are they in no rush to change their official marital status, they’re also in no rush to change their current living situation either. A source tells E! that Ben and Jen still live in the same house together with their three kids, Violet, Seraphina, and Samuel, and that they don’t have any plans to mess around with that arrangement.

“They are in a really good place right now. A lot of the dust has settled and they have become accustomed to their new life, which is separate but together in a lot of ways. They continue to make the family their first priority and they have always been on the same page about that.”

As for Jen’s recent interview with Vanity Fair, the source claims they’re both happy Jen spilled the shit about their split because it means they don’t have to talk about the death of their marriage anymore and can move forward. As for what moving forward entails, the source says: “They don’t know exactly what it’s going to look like, but for now what they are doing is working for the family.”

They do however know what their current situation is. Ben and Jen have been trading off parenting duties, as well as trying to do things together as a family whenever they can. That’s nice. Maybe one of the things they’ll do as a family is get together and hold an intervention for Daddy to make sure he doesn’t get any more stupid tattoos.

Here’s Ben Affleck’s wife at the premiere of her new movie Miracles from Heaven. And now I have DJ Sammy’s early-2000s club rat cover of “Heaven” stuck in my head. Thanks, Jennifer!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

When Adam Levine, the biggest slut named Adam (which is saying a lot since we all know the original Adam fucked everything in that garden), got married to panties model Behati Prinsloo, I figured that his fickle dick would find itself swan diving into a new piece before his first wedding anniversary. But tip me over and pour me out, because Adam and Behati have been married for almost two years and they made it without Star Magazine reporting that his peen got caught in a side trick’s coochie jar. And now they’re going to be parents! The Four Horsemen would make an appearance, but they’re saving their energy for when Leonardo DiCatchAho’s frequent flier dick retires from the game and makes a baby.

E! News and People both say that the Victoria’s Secret Angel and the Coldplay lead singer will be a mom and a dad sometime this fall. The thrilling details via E!

The Victoria’s Secret model is pregnant, E! News has learned. This will be the first child for Levine and Behati, who is 3-4 months along in her pregnancy.

“She knows what she’s having and she’s very excited,” a source tells E! News.

Whatever they have, I hope that Behati does what’s right as the protector of a delicate child by telling her baby that no matter what, they should never ever look at daddy’s bare back. When they go to the beach, baby needs to keep their eyes closed at all times. When baby barfs up on daddy’s shirt and he needs to change it, they should immediately shut their eyelids. Because a young child isn’t strong enough to deal with the derpy mermaid bird of death on Adam Levine’s back. No child should be exposed to that amount of fuckery.

Here’s Behati getting motorboated by a big, pink swan at the launch of Victoria’s Secret new swim collection in L.A. two days ago.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

50 Cent was in bankruptcy court yesterday to talk about the tumbleweeds blowing around in his bank account and to answer some questions about all that money he keeps taking Instagram pictures with. 50 claimed in court documents that the money in his Instagram shots is fake cash from music videos etc… 50 explained that looking rich is part of “his brand” and that’s why he keeps posing with fake money. But CBS News says there was one bankruptcy court official who wasn’t buying it yesterday and they’ve urged a judge to take a close look at 50’s finances.

Holley Claiborn, an attorney for the U.S. Trustee’s Office and a woman whose name sounds like Liz Claiborne’s lesser-known clothing line for preteen overachievers, asked 50 Cent’s bankruptcy judge to hire an examiner to find out if he’s really broke or not. Holley thinks 50, who reportedly owes his creditors almost $28.5 million, isn’t being completely honest about how much money he has and she wants him to be held fully accountable.

If 50 Cent really is broke and those $100 bills spelling it out really are just pretend, then you’d think he wouldn’t have a problem with an examiner getting to the bottom of his money situation. Wrong. Yesterday, both 50 Cent’s lawyers and his creditors’ attorneys said no to Holley’s request. Judge Ann Nevins didn’t rule either way, but CBS News says she could make a decision before their next hearing on April 6th.

That doesn’t mean Judge Ann doesn’t have her suspicions about 50’s bank account. She said she’s “concerned” that something in the coin roll ain’t clean after she compared his initial financial statement with a financial statement that was filed last month.

Regardless, 50 Cent considered yesterday’s trip to court a good one, and he celebrated by stuffing several thousand dollars into his pants for another one of his Instagram portraits. I know I didn’t before, but now I really want to believe that money isn’t real. The next time I hold a $100 bill, the last thing I want to be wondering is if it’s been rubbing against 50 Cent’s junk. “Listen to you, acting like you have $100 to withdraw” laughed my bank account.

Pic: 50 Cent