Cheer Up Sad Affleck, Batman v Superman Is Raking It In
What a holy weekend this is. We have Easter, my favorite holiday, and it’s huge for movies. Easter is about rebirth and that’s what’s happening at the theater. Old, familiar characters brought back to us with a fresh spin and new vision. What better way to celebrate the renewal of the crops, our faith and the world’s energy than with a trip to land of the silver screen. I’m of course talking about the most important movie of 2016, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2! But, there’s this other movie out that idiot people seem more concerned with, Batman v Superman. It’s this movie with Ben Affleck and that guy who bearded Kaley Cuoco, Henry Cavill, punching each other. Apparently it’s making tons of money and going to keep making more, despite having TERRIBLE reviews. Reviews that make Ben very, very sad…
Dawson Had Another Baby
Doo-do do do do, Doo-do do do do, I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over, to have another god damn kid. For some, this life is a place to go forth and prosper from the loins. For others, like me, its a place to yell at people, “ma’am! Your child is out of control and that is why I am hitting him/her repeatedly in the face!” Gentle souls like me look at the other side and pity the commitment they’ve made to wiping butts, paying college tuition and having to pretend to like the people they date during the experimental phase. But I guess Dawson likes that shit. Kinky bitch. Sick bitch.
James Van Der Beek and his wife, Kimberly Brook have welcomed their fourth dependant into the world, Emilia. They have three other little ones, Olivia, 5, Joshua, 4 and Annabel, 2. Get the kid a rattle and a pacifier so I can sit her down and tell her about the true ugliness in this world. She needs to know! He announced the birth via Instagram:
In the spirit of this holiday weekend, I wish them all the best and how wonderful to have new life come into the world during this time of celebrating birth and rebirth and all that shit. Congrats guys. And congrats to all of us for getting that Paula Cole song stuck in our heads.
Pic: Wenn
Cynthia And Peter Of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Are Probably Done
Way back in my first post, I explained to you all what it means for a man and woman to be a wedding. Well, not all weddings are destined for a Precious Moments figurine life up in heaven because sometimes there’s trouble. Marriage trouble. And this time, I’m not talking about mom and dad sleeping in different rooms. I’m talking about different houses. In different states. That is the case for Cynthia Bailey and Peter Thomas.
TMZ is reporting that the Real Housewives of Atlanta “stars” are living separately. Cynthia is in their Atlanta home and Peter has taken to their house in Charlotte, NC. Apparently, they’ve been living like this for months because Peter can’t handle the drama that the show creates. Specifically for him and Cynthia, who’ve had a rocky relationship from the beginning. Their story line has always been about them patching up their love or some shit and doing it on-camera is just not the one for Peter. He also has a bar in NC, so he’s been there to try and make that shit work. He’s also got some bar scheme going.
No one has filed for divorce papers, but it’s apparently only a matter of time before a stranger walks up to one of them and says “you’ve been served“. I never finish seasons of Atlanta because it is simultaneously too much and also deathly boring, so I’m not totally up to date with these two fighting dumb dumbs, but in the trailer for the reunion, Porsha (I can’t, I really can’t with that name. No. No mas. Por favor leave me alone.) Williams makes some allegations about Peter sluttin’ it up all around the ATL. It’s not the first time Peter has been called a whorin’, sluttin’, cheata! Remember last year when he got his hands all over some trick at the club? Well, at least Cynthia will most likely be asked back for another season so she can marriage woe woo the cameras and the audience again. People love messy marriages! Probably more than their own good ones! So, at least there’s that… And her agency and sunglass line. She’ll always have The Bailey Agency and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear!
Pic: Wenn
Miley Cyrus Is The Newest Judge On “The Voice”
Well shine my boots and shoot a rattlesnake, what do we have here? I never dun seen something so peculiar-like. It looks like a chipmunk. It smells like a raccoon. And it sounds like my uncle, Kissinuncle, after he’s had a little moonshine! Slap me once and call me Susan, its Miley Cyrus! This here girl can do it all. She can stick out her tongue while holding a doobie and play the geetar. And now, she’s going to be the newest judge on The Voice!
Yep, grab your partners and do-si-do because everyone’s favorite normal girl who lives a double life as a pop star – no. Sorry. That’s Hannah Montana. But it is the 10 year anniversary of Hannah Montana, so forgive me for being nostalgic. As I was saying, everyone’s favourite lil’ ol’ country bumpkin meets alien probe finger meets art teacher, Miley Cyrus, is ostensibly replacing Gwen Stefani on the next season of The Voice, its eleventh. I say ostensibly because I like fancy words and because, historically, there’s only ever one female judge on at a time. Miley confirmed her new position via twitter on Friday, tweeting, “It’s true! I am going to be the newest judge on Season 11 of The Voice @NBCTheVoice #thevoice“. (Via E!) It’s also being reported that Alicia Keys will be taking over from Pharrell, so yay for the ladies and a win for fedoras everywhere.
Miley has been rubbing her skunk weed over bits of this current season as a key advisor for team Christina Aguilera. I always stop watching when the auditions are done so I don’t know who’s gonna win but I might start tuning in again. Miley and Xtina sound like they’d be entertaining enough. I’m sure they like to try and impress each other with all the super light girl on girl stuff they may or may not have tried (for attention) during their lives. Hippie shit and questionable outfits aside, Miley can actually sing, so that’s a plus for a show called The Voice. She might not be everyone’s favourite, but we’re lucky here in the US because we get real stars for these shows. In the UK they get Rita Ora (who?) and Paloma Faith (what?) on talent shows. So come on, put on your neon stetson and say yeehaw!
Pic: Miley Cyrus Twitter
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Birdie Sanders!
That Bernie Sanders is good. While talking at a rally in Portland, Oregon yesterday, he put an actual bird on it. Bernie was talking to the people about boring political shit when everyone’s attention went off of him and onto a tiny bird friend who flew over to him like he’s Snow White. What a natural, organic and not-at-all staged moment that only happened because one of his staffers sprinkled bird seed all over the podium and stage.
But still, it was a magical moment and I wanted the bird to hop onto Bernie’s shoulder as he sang “Once Upon a Dream” as little squirrels, mice and other birds hopped onto the stage to make him a gorgeous gown for the Inaugural Ball. Birdie Sanders instantly became a Twitter star and #BirdieSanders was trending forever. This whole mess of an election really is for the birds!
If you didn’t watch that video, Bernie says that he believes Birdie Sanders is a SIGN!
“I think there may be some symbolism here. I know it doesn’t look like it, but that bird is really a dove asking us for world peace. No more wars.”
If bald eagles didn’t hate Jabba the Trump and want to eat the road kill on his head, he probably could have trained one of them to swoop down and eat Birdie Sanders while wearing a “Make America Great Again” trucker hat. I’m sure Hillary Clinton will respond to this by tweeting a selfie with Big Bird, Toucan Sam, Tweety Bird, Donald Duck and all of the Angry Birds after getting their endorsement.
But really, I think Bernie found his running mate if he gets the nomination. Bernie/Birdie 2016! The quickest way to make America great again is to put a bird on it!
Birthday Sluts
Diana Ross (72)
Nina Agdal (24)
Carly Chaikin (26)
Jonathan Groff (31)
Keira Knightley (31)
Sara Jean Underwood (32)
Amy Smart (40)
T. R. Knight (43)
Larry Page (43)
Leslie Mann (44)
James Iha (48)
Kenny Chesney (48)
Michael Imperioli (50)
Eric Allen Kramer (54)
Jennifer Grey (56)
Leeza Gibbons (59)
Martin Short (66)
Vicki Lawrence (67)
Steven Tyler (68)
James Caan (76)
Nancy Pelosi (76)
Alan Arkin (82)
Sandra Day O’Connor (86)