In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.

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37 years ago, a glitter-covered oyster floated to the surface of the ocean and the waves carried it to the end of a rainbow where two unicorns were raw dog fucking in the air. Just as the oyster opened up to reveal a shiny pink pearl inside, the man unicorn pulled out and came all over it, which transformed the pink pearl into the otherworldly goddess we know as CoCo! (That’s a 100% true story, by the way). The entire world should celebrate the birth of the ageless angel with one, big camel toe parade, but since the world doesn’t know shit, CoCo had to celebrate her birthday at some club in Las Vegas over the weekend.

CoCo blew chunks of elegance into the eyes of the people when she worked the carpet with her man Ice-T. CoCo redefined sophistication by wearing a Versayce dress that could barely hold in her spectacular titty globes. Yes, that dress was made by Versace, apparently. It really does take a certain juh-nay-say-kwa to make an elegant dress that probably cost thousands of dollars look like it was pulled off of the floor under a clearance rack at a hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Reno. Only CoCo! Only CoCo!

Pics: Wenn.com

Last week, Robert De Niro tried really hard to defend his decision to screen an anti-vaccination documentary by noted anti-vaxxer Andrew Wakefield called Vaxxed: From Cover-up to Catastrophe at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival. Robert DeNiro confessed that he and his wife, Grace Hightower De Niro, are parents to an autistic son, and that Vaxxed was very personal to him. He claimed that the reason he pushed for Vaxxed to be included in this year’s film festival was because he was hoping it would promote a “discussion.” He followed that up by claiming that he wasn’t personally endorsing the film and that he isn’t an anti-vaxxer, two statements that made everyone reach for their “Why the fuck you lying?” memes.

However, it sounds like the majority of the conversations started by Vaxxed began with the words “Bobby NO“, because Robert De Niro has gone and erased it from the festival lineup. Robert De Niro released a statement to The Hollywood Reporter about pulling Vaxxed.

“My intent in screening this film was to provide an opportunity for conversation around an issue that is deeply personal to me and my family. But after reviewing it over the past few days with the Tribeca Film Festival team and others from the scientific community, we do not believe it contributes to or furthers the discussion I had hoped for.

The Festival doesn’t seek to avoid or shy away from controversy. However, we have concerns with certain things in this film that we feel prevent us from presenting it in the Festival program. We have decided to remove it from our schedule.”

He doesn’t get into what those “concerns” were. But I’m going to guess one of them was whether or not the Tribeca Film Festival website had enough space on their servers to handle all the “friendly” reminders that vaccines don’t cause autism that they’d be sure to get if they kept it in the documentary category.

Poor Robert De Niro though. How busted does a movie have to be that you can’t even get it screened at your own film festival? I suppose if he still really wanted it to be shown, he could invent a special category for it. “And the award for Best Feature-Length Film Based On An Email Forward Or Rambling Facebook Post goes to...”

Pic: Splash

Thanks to stranger-bitch-no-more Jessica Lowndes, none of us will ever trust anyone AGAIN, because she messed with our emotions and lied to us with that PR stunt that was blatantly a PR stunt to promote something. Jessica let it be known on Instagram today that she isn’t engaged to Jon Lovitz and the whole thing was just an early April Fool’s joke to get people to watch her video for “Deja Vu (Remix).” Two things:

1. I have to slow clap for Jessica Lowndes, because she managed to fool some messes into thinking that she’s actually fucking Jon Lovitz. And now more than two people (including me) actually know who Jessica Lowndes is.

2. But after I slow clap, I’m going to use my hands to flip her ass off, because I watched that wreck of a video and now I have the image of her swallowing Jon Lovitz’s jizz and Kanye-ing him in his juicy booty hole. I can practically hear the sound of both of those things.

And now I’m just waiting for Jessica Lowndes to announce that her messy song and messier music video are April Fool’s jokes too.

Lady Gaga’s birthday is today and she celebrated the anniversary of her 30th year alive this past weekend by throwing herself a big party in L.A. that brought out bright shining A-list stars like Lisa Vanderpump, Asslee Simpson, Evan Ross and Lisa Rinna and low-rent has-beens like Taylor Swift and Kate Hudson. While working a painted-up face that screamed Clown School Carol Channing, CaCa strolled into her birthday party with her man Taylor Kinney, and everybody should’ve been screaming for the police since she obviously stole a dress out of the closet of Bette Midler’s Big Business character. But people weren’t doing that, because they were too busy staring at what looked like a wedding band on her finger.

When that hot piece of panty cream-inducing hotness Taylor Kinney and CaCa got engaged two Februaries ago, he gave her a heart-shaped diamond engagement ring. On Saturday night, she switched out that Mariah Carey kidney stone-looking ass ring for a plain gold band. So some think that Taylor Kinney is now officially Lord CaCa, because they got secret married.

I don’t know…..

If Lady CaCa gets married in a ceremony that isn’t televised to this planet and others, and doesn’t feature a wedding dress made out of live white doves, vows done entirely in a language created just for them, a 15-hour-long performance art piece by Marina Abramović and a first dance where little people dressed up as cherubs barf glitter-infused metallic paint on them, did Lady CaCa really get married at all? I think not!

Pics: Splash

A few weeks ago, golden retriever-looking chef and twee name enthusiast Jamie Oliver said during an interview with LBC Radio that the next big problem-solving mission facing Britain is to fix their breastfeeding problem. Jamie’s solution is for more moms to breastfeed their babies instead of giving them formula, because tit milk is, according to Jamie, easy, convenient, nutritious, better, and free. Sadly, he can probably count out Adele recording a cover of “Rolling in the Deep” called “Sucking on the Nip” to use as the theme song for his nationwide breastfeeding movement, because she’s not having any of it.

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