Just kidding, it’s still a mess. Happy Late April Fool’s Day! On Friday we learned that Madonna, in a desperate attempt to win back her runaway teenage son, was trying to arrange a lawyer-free custody meeting with Rocco Ritchie and Guy Ritchie. Well, if what the Daily Mail says is true (“Errr…” thought everyone who has ever read the Daily Mail), then Madonna probably shouldn’t set out a teacup and a plate of scones for Rocco.

According to the Daily Mail, Rocco not-so-subtly slapped at his mama recently on Instagram. Shortly after Rocco high-tailed it to London to live with his daddy, he threw a PRIVATE sign on his Instagram account. Even though most of his online activity is a secret, he was still able to pull a “Tell us how you REALLY feel” by allegedly updating his profile to include the following description of himself.

“Son of a bitch” – oooh, sick burn. Forever bad teen boy Justin Bieber is totally saving that one for the next time his mom unplugs his Xbox and yells at him to take the trash out.

The Daily Mail can’t confirm with 100% certainty that the Instagram account shown above belongs to the Rocco Ritchie that fell out of Madonna’s steel trap snatch. But they did a little sleuthing and they’re pretty sure it’s his. At the very least, we know it’s not a decoy account set up by Madonna to frame Rocco, because it wasn’t written son of a bish.

Madonna has yet to comment on this. She is due to fly to London tomorrow to see Rocco. And if she really wanted to turn Rocco’s hate into haterade, the first words out of her mouth will be: “Rocco, that’s sweet of you to give your father an Instagram shout-out, but it’s spelled C-U-N-T.”

Pic: Instagram

While pop trick Katy Perry was off trying to be a country trick at the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas, the ex-Princess Buttercup of Country (no offense to Princess Buttercup or country) Taylor  Swift was off being a pop trick at the iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles.

I didn’t watch that shit last night, because I decided to watch some real entertainment (see: Dolly on the ACM Awards, the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and Golden Girls reruns) instead, but apparently Try Hard Barbie and her boyfriend Try Hard Ken were the insufferable queen and king of the iFartRadio prom. Taylor won an award for Best Tour and when she accepted it, she pretty much pulled out a paper bag book cover, wrote the name “Adam Wiles” (cool DJ name: Calvin Harris) on it and then drew a pink Sharpie heart around it.

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I guess this is where we stop making jokes about Iggy Azalea being this decade’s Vanilla Ice. I mean, even Vanilla Ice remembered to pay his taxes. According to TMZ, the unlicensed PaRappa the Rapper character owes the IRS $391,056.55 in unpaid income taxes from 2014. 2014 was the year Iggy’s most profitable album, The New Classic, was released, as well as the last year people were willing to pay money to see Iggy perform. The only problem is, the tax man doesn’t play when you forget to give him his cut of your earnings, and TMZ says Iggy recently found herself on the shit end of a tax lien.

Iggy should have filed her taxes over a year ago, and who the hell knows why she didn’t. I doubt she’ll be able to claim that she was “too busy” in 2015 to do them, since I’m pretty sure the IRS won’t accept getting into Twitter fights with Papa John’s as a valid excuse. Or maybe it was never her plan to pay income tax. Maybe that’s why she got a new face and body: as a sneaky way to evade the IRS when they came a-knocking on her front door looking for their money. “There’s nobody home but a wax figure of Iggy Azalea. We’ll try again next week.”

I’d be pissing my pants if I had to hand over almost $400,000 to the government ASAP. But this couldn’t have come at a better time for Iggy. There’s a 99.99999% chance her relationship with Nick Young is over, and she’s got a $500,000 engagement ring on her left hand that she hasn’t pawned yet. Actually, she could kill two birds with one giant tacky yellow stone by mailing her ring to the IRS with a note telling them not to worry about refunding her the $100,000 and just to apply it to her 2015 taxes that she probably won’t do either.

Here’s more of Iggy wearing the most busted outfit from a high school sewing class fashion show at the iHeartRadio Awards last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Back in 2014, Paper Magazine tried to break the Internet with Kim Kartrashian’s greased-up plastic luau pig ass. And now, Paper Magazine is trying to break our spirits with a picture of Kylie Jenner looking like a LazyTown blow-up doll that was possessed by all the demons and now trolls the land looking to fill her triple-stuffed clown lips with the souls of her victims. Looking at this cover may be the most terrifying thing that has happened to me today and that’s saying a lot since this morning I woke up to find that I only had enough coffee for two cups. But fuck coffee. I need to switch to freebasing Drano after getting hit with Kylie looking like an anime frog whose head is getting attacked by a mutant cotton candy monster. That cover is very “Princess Lolly after Candy Land’s nuclear power plant explodes.”

This is supposed to be Paper’s “YOUth” issue, so I’m wondering why they chose a picture that makes Kylie look like she’s had all of the youth syphoned out of her. It’s terrifying and I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris handpicked this picture herself. PMK’s evil knows no bounds. But with that being said, Kylie Jenner has never looked more alive!

Pics: Paper, Splash

Because yesterday was a Sunday, ANOTHER country music awards show happened, but this one was a little more special than the others, because it honored the one-of-a-kind legend in an angelic wig: Dolly Parton! At the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night, Dolly was given the Tex Ritter Award for her TV movie Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors, which aired last December. God himself should’ve shot down from Heaven to present the award to one of his greatest creations, but Katy Perry did it for some reason. Maybe Dolly Parton’s future successor Lisa Gail was already booked last night?

While appropriating country glamour culture by doing herself up like Cowboy Curtis’ side piece Drugstore Cowgirl Katy 99 Cent Store Cowgirl Katy, Orlando Bloom’s current boo presented her “hero” Dolly Parton with the award and afterward, the two yodeled out a medley that included “Coat of Many Colors,” “Jolene” and “9 to 5.” Never mind that Katy Perry should’ve been arrested for that discount Halloween costume, she should’ve dropped her mic and dosey doe’d into the audience so that Dolly could’ve had the stage to herself! But Dolly probably wouldn’t have wanted that. Dolly is as charitable as she is gorgeous and was kind enough to let a musical lesser perform with her:

When is Dolly Parton going to get the sainthood she clearly deserves? I mean, she should get it for the simple fact that she resisted the urge to snatch that $4 “Flo from Progressive” wig off of Katy Perry’s head. Wearing that wig in front of the goddess of wigs is breaking all the commandments.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

When we last left Kesha’s shitty recording contract fight against Sony and her alleged abuser Dr. Luke, Kesha’s lawyer Mark Geragos had filed an appeal comparing Kesha’s current situation to “slavery.” Bascially, Kesha’s lawyer argued that because Sony wouldn’t rip up Kesha’s contract with Dr. Luke, she was being forced to do work she didn’t want to do (and thus how he got to the whole “slavery” thing).

Well, according to Kesha, Sony did offer to rip up her contract, but on one condition: that she publicly apologize to Dr. Luke and admit that she was lying when she accused him of assaulting her. Kesha spilled the alleged truth on Instagram yesterday.

“So. I got offered my freedom IF I were to lie. I would have to APOLOGIZE publicly and say that I never got raped. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS behind closed doors. I will not take back the TRUTH. I would rather let the truth ruin my career than lie for a monster ever again.”

TMZ says that sources tell them that Sony did come to Kesha and secretly offer her a way out in the form of an apology to Dr. Luke. Apparently they really, really want to protect Dr. Luke because the songs he produces make them a ton of money. The sources add that Sony refuses to meet with Kesha and her lawyer unless she clears his not-exactly-good name.

It’s probably a good idea Kesha didn’t take Sony’s alleged apology deal. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching too many old Twilight Zone episodes, but his sounds like the kind of deal the Devil would try to trick you into while dressed up as a lawyer in an attempt to catch you on a technicality. “Yes, that’s it – just admit that you were lying. And since you’ve admitted it was a lie, then that means you no longer have a good reason to not work with Dr. Luke. Time to get back to work! Bwahahahaha!” he cackles, as he disappears into a cloud of smoke and legal papers.

UPDATE: Kesha’s battle against Sony and Dr. Luke just got more serious. According to The Wrap, Kesha is building a “dream team” of lawyers and has hired Daniel Petrocelli, the lawyer who won a wrongful death civil suit against O.J. Simpson for Ron Goldman’s family back in 1997. A source tells People: “She’s ready to go to war with these people.”

Pic: Splash