Beyonce, seen above looking like she’s waiting for a bucket’s worth of dirty strip club water to drop on her, recently did an interview with ELLE to pimp out her new athletic clothing line, Ivy Park. You know, the one that caused the Beyhive to burn an effigy of Lululemon in the town square after they suggested that Bey’s sweatshirts and yoga pants were a lazy copy of theirs. How dare they! Obviously Bey’s sweatshirts and yoga pants are made of the finest materials the Illuminati can find. For real though, Beyonce says Ivy Park is high quality shit and can perform miracles on your ass. She also talks to her billionaire friend’s daughter about being powerful and Mama Tina Knowles’ psychic mama abilities.

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Yesterday we found out that Iggy Azalea, the expired bottle of Rap Musk that came to life one day, owed the IRS almost $400,000 in unpaid income taxes from 2014. So the IRS did what they do when they want their money: they hit her with a tax lien. Most of us would probably curl up in the fetal position and start nervously scanning the room for shit we could sell on Craigslist if we received a letter from the government that read “Money. NOW.“, but not Iggy.

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That dead chunk of rotting meat I call a heart actually beat and felt warmth for a quick second this morning after I found out that Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s mutual love of making the Botox in his family’s faces boil with rage has led them to getting engaged for attention.

Early this morning, Kylie Jenner’s fake face, lips and ass idol, Blac Chyna, farted up her and Rob’s latest attention whore stunt on Instagram and SnapChat. The silicone-stuffed thorn in the Kartrashians’ bleached and waxed assholes posted a picture on Instagram of her just casually showing off a giant $325,000 7-carat diamond ring that evil garden gnome Ryan Seacrest probably bought for Rob in exchange for the television rights to their wedding and their divorce, which will happen two weeks later. Rob does look happy and that could be because just like his brother-in-law Kanye West, he’s into some fingers-in-the-booty rough play action and seeing Blac Chyna’s talons of elegance has made his b-hole wiggle. Yes, he’ll be shitting out acrylic tips for days, but that’s a small price to pay for a hot prostate poking.

TMZ (of course) has all the riveting details. They say that Rob proposed to Blac Chyna last night, and after she said yes, they celebrated by whoring it up in front of the paps outside Ace of Diamonds strip club.

Most of the members of the Kartrashian koven are on some “mystery” vacation, so I love that Rob probably ruined their time with the news that Blac Chyna may become Blac Khyna Kartrashian. But he didn’t ruin Pimp Mama Kris’ day. He did the opposite. PMK had to excuse herself from her hos and go to a quiet place where she cried Satanic tears of happiness, because the son who brought embarrassment upon her family was finally showing that he’s as much of a petty fame whore as they are! Pimp Mama Kris has never felt so proud!

Pics: Instagram, Instagram, Splash

Call Jon Hamm. He’ll know what to do. – Ikcor

Upvote winner:

He went to Sofa King, where moving is sofa king hard. – Loser of Wellington

Pic: Metro UK

Kellogg’s Kream Krunch cereal!

I’m always going on about the sugary fuckery in a bowl from the 1980s, so it’s about time we pay tribute to the sugary fuckery in a bowl from before then. A reader, whose name may or may not be Methuselah, sent me a link to a cereal that nearly rotted his teeth out and gave him toddler diabetes in the 60s. In the 1980s, we had Ice Cream Cones cereal and it was truly a nutritional part of any breakfast, because it was made of puffed wheat and that’s on the food pyramid! But in the mid-60s, they had a cereal that was made of actual ice cream. They didn’t give a fuck.

Today, “Kream Krunch” may sound like the stuff Pimp Mama Kris’ poor housekeeper has to scrape off of her panties with acid and a high grade chisel after she squirts out a river of excitement over one of her hos getting attention (yes, we’ll get to that STUNT QUEEN shit in a minute). But back in 1964 or 1965, Kream Krunch was the name of a cereal from Kellogg’s that was made up of O-shaped oat pieces and chunks of freeze-dried ice cream. Freeze-dried ice cream mixed with oats and milk sounds like something that’d taste like barf, sweet sugary barf. I’d eat it so fast that I’d probably swallow the bowl too.

Strangely enough, parents in the 60s looked at that cereal and thought to themselves, “What is that unhealthy shit?“, as they sucked on their fourth cigarette of the morning before downing their breakfast, a mug full of whiskey. (Side note: I really want to be a parent circa 1960s.) Kream Krunch didn’t take off and it was sent to the cereal morgue in 1965.

But apparently, it lives on in the minds of every hardcore cereal box collector (yes, they exist). A Kream Krunch cereal box was sold for $1,200 in 2005. Kream Krunch cereal also now lives forever in the darkest part of my nightmares thanks to its mascot which looks like a demonic creature from HELL. Yeah, those chunks aren’t freeze-dried cereal, they’re Lucifer’s blood!

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Pic: Getty