Betsey Johnson Brought Ten Tons Of “It” To The CFDA Awards
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
Santo Dios! It Looks Like Those Shifty Olsen Twins Lured Their Sister To The Dark Side
If Charmed, Charlie’s Angeles and Wilson Phillips taught us anything, it’s that the power of 3 is unstoppable! So all of us peasants better spend our last few moments of freedom wearing color and smiling, because we’ll be banned from doing both of those things when the Trinity of Olsen Unholiness takes over the world. Half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to make our new overlords handmade cigarettes using French rolling papers, tobacco and the ashes of those who dared defy them! The other half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to hand-stitch panther hide caftans for our new leaders and their fellow evil-hearted rich friends. (I hope that whichever factory I’m thrown into, I’m assigned a spot next to Kimmy Gibbler so she can give me all the details of the Trollsens’ rise from cutesy toddlers to dictator gnomes.) When that happens, remember these pictures that served as a warning for the impending Olsen takeover!
At last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC, Elizabeth Olsen got sandwiched between Doom and Gloom as they all posed for pictures on the red carpet. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did themselves up like 1970s Santa Monica fortune tellers whose clients can always be seen going into their storefront but are never seen coming out. They did their sister/dark priestess-in-training up as an overgrown Ariana Grande Latte at a seance full of witches who buy all their clothes at White House|Black Market. What I’m trying to say is that the three of them together are more terrifying than the Macbeth witches!
But maybe there’s hope. In most of the pictures, Elizabeth Olsen is smiling and there’s a sparkle in her eye that I don’t think is from thinking about how she’s going to cackle into the night sky as she hears the pained cries of the mortals. I know, I’m trying to fool myself. She’s totally one of them now. I better learn how to sew.
Axl Rose Wants Google To Delete Those “Fat Axl” Memes From The Internet
Axl Rose is apparently very mad about “unflattering” pictures of him from 2010 that live on the internet. I’m sure there are plenty of people that are saying: “Yeah, you and me both, Axl” while silently cursing out a high school friend for posting a tragic #tbt of them to Facebook last week.
Back in 2010, pictures of a not-so-skinny Axl in a red bandana were taken at a Guns N’ Roses concert in Winnipeg, Canada. The pictures were taken about a year before the one you see above, so just imagine Axl looking a a whole lot plumper and sweatier. Naturally, once the pics hit the internet, it took about 0.3 seconds before they were turned into a meme.
According to Torrent Freak (via Rolling Stone), the anti-piracy company Web Sheriff issued a DMCA takedown request to Google and Blogspot over the pictures on Axl’s behalf. The request reads:
“Copyright image of Axl Rose. Please be advised that no permission has been granted to publish the copyright image so we cannot direct you to an authorized example of it.”
The pictures were taken by Boris Minkevich for the Winnipeg Free Press. Boris, who doesn’t own the copyright, says that anyone who made a Fax Axl meme is guilty of stealing the pictures from the Winnipeg Free Press.
So far, Google hasn’t taken any of the pictures in question down. If you search for “Fat Axl“, you’ll still get many many Fat Axl memes. And since it’s the internet, and the picture was taken at a public concert, I doubt Google will take it down. And really, who cares? We all have shitty pictures, Axl. If anything, he should just embrace it by opening the next AC/DC show with a parody version of “Back in Black” called “Snackin’ Snacks” while sitting on a giant pile of fun-size candy bars. Don’t fight the meme, Axl.
Pic: Wenn.com
Conrad Hilton Was Sentenced To Two Months In The Chokey For Violating His Parole
Seen above looking like a young Donald Trump after a meth binge and a failed body wave perm while leaving a Los Angeles courthouse last June, 22-year-old Conrad Hilton was back in front of a judge yesterday for messing up the terms of his parole AGAIN. Conrad isn’t supposed to put the good shit or the bad shit in his body, but he admitted to the judge that he’s done both. Seeing as though the California justice system seems to be allergic to punishing rich and famous-esque tricks, it’s shocking that the judge didn’t just say, “Awww, that’s okay boo, your punishment is that you can’t go to The Nice Guy 4 nights a week. I would say 5 nights, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment!” The judge sentenced Parasite Hilton’s younger brother to 2 months in the clink.
Helen Mirren Isn’t That Into Kim Kardashian, But Is A Fan Of Her Ass
Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and shamelessly showing it off. And while she may have retired her naked nipples, she’s apparently still here for people who decide to proudly put their bodies out there. One of which is naked selfie enthusiast Kim Kardashian.
Dame Helen recently spoke to The Telegraph (via E! News) about being a sex symbol. Eventually she started talking about “shameless women” – ie. women who stopped giving a fuck about what other people think of them – and she gave a slow, dignified British clap to America’s most alive-looking mannequin. Or at least a slow clap for her ass. While most people scream “PUT IT AWAY!” every time they see a half-naked Kim, Helen is happy that she keeps putting her partially-deflated yoga ball butt out there, because it’s making people feel good about their not-small asses.
“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T – it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”
Helen also gave a thumbs up to other “shameless and proud” celebs like Madonna, Chrissie Hynde, Joan Jett, and Bonnie Raitt.
No matter what you think of Kim and the rest of the Kardashians, Helen is right about them promoting positive body image. Before the Kardashians, butts only came in two sizes: big and small. Then the Kardashians kame along and changed that. Now we have a variety of popular butt options at our disposal: big, giant, huge, massive, and small planet-sized. And you can get them all in four-to-six visits to a plastic surgeon. Thank you, Kim Kardashian!
Here’s more of Helen from her shoot for The Telegraph, as well as some pictures of her looking like your church’s sexiest Sunday School teacher at a MoMA event last week.
Pics: Wenn.com
Amber Heard Was Busted For Domestic Abuse Back In 2009
At this point, it’s looking pretty clear that the ear of TMZ is permanently stitched to the mouth of Team Depp (personally, I’m Team L.A. Looks and that “joke” will only make sense to you disciples of 80s hair beauty). And it’s also looking pretty clear that the ear of People is permanently stitched to the mouth of Team Amber Heard. Whenever People posts something that makes Amber Heard look like she’s telling the truth, TMZ stamps “LIES” onto that claim by posting something that claims otherwise. Case in point: People posted alleged texts between Amber and Johnny Depp’s assistant. The texts backed-up her claim that she was abused regularly by Johnny during their relationship. TMZ then posted quotes from Johnny’s assistant, claiming that the texts were faked or doctored. People then pulled the, “oh no you don’t, bitch,” switch and brought out a signed statement from a computer forensic specialist who declared that after viewing the texts, he can confirm that they weren’t fucked with in any way. It’s the battle of receipts, and this is obviously going to end with Harvey Levin and the editors of People wrestling in a pool of lukewarm oil.