BoKu! 

I alway thought that BoKu was born during the golden era of the juice box, the 1980s, but I should’ve known that it slipped into our world in the 90s, when everyone was trying to be sophistimicated and shit. There must have been a ton of growns whose retinas were covered with a heavy layer of jealousy every time they watched a child drink an Ecto-Cooler out in public, because they wished they could freely guzzle down a juice box, but they couldn’t since they’re an adult. So the makers of BoKu made the juice box-drinking dreams of grown-ups come true.

BoKu (which sounds like the name of Hoku’s butch and edgier sister) was pushed as an “adult juice” that came in an adult-sized box for adults! And it didn’t have a straw, because straws are for toddlers. They put out cutting edge and so-adult flavors like White Grape Raspberry and Apple Peach. BoKu came out in 1990 and lasted until the early aughts. To me, the most memorable thing about BoKu were their commercials, which starred humanized bolo tie Richard Lewis and his stunning mullet of pure perfection. Because the 90s were all about darkened lofts, in the commercials, Richard sat in a darkened loft and tried to convince the growns to bring some BoKu into their lives. One good reason to switch to BoKu: It won’t make you burp, because burping is for babies.

Since I’m a grown now, I understand why BoKu didn’t become a classic and last forever. When you call something an “adult beverage,” that shit better contain an adult substance that temporarily numbs adult problems and soothes adult nerves. Juice is not an adult beverage unless that juice is drowning in booze. I mean, adults probably bought BoKu, because in the commercial you’ve got a 90s Richard Lewis, of all tricks, telling you that when he gets invited to a party, he’s bringing his “own BoKu.” That obviously means that BoKu is short for booze, coke and other uppers.

Amy Schumer (35)
Tom Holland (20)
Kira Plastinina (24)
Dayana Mendoza (30)
Damien Fahey (36)
Sarah Wayne Callies (39)
Danielle Harris (39)
Roger Mathews (41)
Alanis Morissette (42)
Adam Garcia (43)
Heidi Klum (43)
Karen Mulder (46)
Teri Polo (47)
Jason Donovan (48)
Mark Curry (55)
Lisa Hartman Black (60)
Tom Irwin (60)
Ronnie Dunn (63)
Jonathan Pryce (69)
Ronnie Wood (69)
Brian Cox (70)
Rene Auberjonois (76)
Morgan Freeman (79)
Pat Boone (82)
Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962)

Pic: Getty

Kiki Dunst and her Fargo co-star Jesse Plemons were caught touching lips by the paps over the weekend. I don’t watch Fargo, so at first I thought Kiki was getting on Haley Joel Osment or today’s HSOTD – Lainey Gossip 

CORGIS!!! (Oh, and THE QUEEN too, I guess) got the cover of Vanity Fair, and you know, the two pooches on the bottom should really take pose lessons from Phoebe Price, because they’re just not giving it – Celebitchy

Tamra Judge from The Real Plasticwives of Orange County competed in a fitness competition this weekend, and she has never looked as elegant. And yes, I’m only saying that because she’s wearing exquisite Lucite heels – Reality Tea 

Bella Hadid did more dead call girl poses for a magazine – Hollywood Tuna

So, I take it that Dan Akroyd gets a back end percentage of profits from the new Ghostbusters movie – The Superficial  

The Mary Poppins sequel starring Emily Blunt and Hamilton is really happening – Jezebel

A Christian rock star came out – Towleroad

Trouble in nerdadise, Star Wars: Rogue One is going through four weeks of reshoots – Pajiba

Olivia Munn’s chichis look like these oven pads my abuelita used to have – Egotastic

Here’s John Stamos getting motorboated by a sock monkey – SOW

Alleged child porn watcher Puck from Glee got dropped from a movie – Just Jared

Speaking of…. Roman Polanski may finally be shipped off to the US to face the court – HuffPo

Pic: FameFlynet

Master gay baiter Nick Jonas is still out there working hard for that gay dollar like he’s a drag queen lip-synching to a Beyonce song 10 minutes before last call on the night before her rent is due. Nick was a guest editor for The Sun (via HuffPo) last week, and for the 56,789th time he was asked about whether his ass or mouth has had a special date with hard dick before. Now, sex scenes that aren’t porn usually don’t involve any dick in ass or dick in mouth action, but Nick Jonas thinks that because he dry humped and made out with a dude on his show Kingdom, he can’t technically say that he’s never been another guy before:

“On Kingdom I have a sex scene with a guy. It is always this thing have I, has Nick? No. But it’s my lips, it’s my hands, it’s my body, even if I’m playing a character. So technically I have done that, so I wouldn’t say I haven’t, because that would be lying. But as me, Nick, I am very open about who I am and that I have nothing to prove. I know what I am, I’ve been honest about that.”

Okay, it’s been a while for me, but I’m pretty sure that’s nowthow gay sex fucking works. If Nick can say that he’s “technically” been with another man because he got paid to do a fake gay sex scene in a TV show, then that means we should send Denise Richards to North Korea to dismantle their nuclear weapons since she played a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough.

But seriously, going by Nick’s logic, does that mean that if you put up an ad on Craigslist with the headline “Looking For A Prince Harry Look-Alike Or A Dude In A Prince Harry Mask For Hot $$$$exy Times” and the dude who answers the ad lets you call him “Prince Harry” the entire time,  you can technically say that you’ve hooked up with Prince Hot Ginge? I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for a friend…and I just realized that everyone knows I don’t have friends.

And here’s Nick performing at BBC Radio 1’s Big Weekend in Exeter on Saturday. Notice how in the first picture Nick is watching another guy play a bass. Nick can technically say that he’s watched another dude play with his instrument, so gays, please buy his albums and watch his show!

Pics: Wenn.com

Kate Beckinsale was on The Graham Norton Show (via People) over the weekend, and she got into what it was like working with zen dildo in linen pants Michael Bay on the movie Pearl Harbor. Kate said that when Michael Bay took one look at her, he basically malfunctioned before going, “Tits too small, hair too brown, does not compute!”

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Nearly ever national holiday, the hardest-working supermodel on the ho stroll and beyond, Phoebe Price, keeps the economy rolling along by putting on a designer bikini (hey, Walmart is one of America’s premiere fashion houses) and flashing her roasted and freckled Cornish game hens for the cameras. This past Memorial Day was no exception, and while many of us lazy bitches spent the afternoon sunning ourselves on our mom’s driveway while boozing it up with help from a wine can helmet, Chicken Cutlets actually did hard work on the beach in Malibu.

Since it’s election season, PP made her Memorial Day photo shoot so topical by posing with an official Trump sign that totally wasn’t thrown together in the car using an old pen and paper mats from the car wash. Does this mean that Jabba the Trump has won the highly coveted ginger poultry demographic and PP is officially endorsing him? Or is she just trolling for attention, which would be surprising since she never does that. Or is this a performance art piece and she’s showing us that she farts and queefs on Trump? Or is PP secretly working to destroy Trump and she’s hoping that she’ll seduce her way into his life with this hot photo shoot and then take him down from the inside? Just call her Ginger Hari. Yeah, it’s probably the last one and I totally just gave away her plan.

Pics: Wenn.com