Amber Heard’s Accusations Of Assault Have Made Johnny Depp Sad
Poor Johnny Depp has been crying greasy tears lately, and it’s not because his housekeeper “accidentally” put all his favorite filthy hobo scarves into the washing machine with a cup of bleach and set it to sanitize. People magazine says that Johnny is upset, and it’s all his estranged wife Amber Heard’s fault. According to a source, Johnny is really hurt by Amber’s recent accusations that he’s a mean drunk who assaulted her with an iPhone.
The source describes his current condition as being “an emotional mess.” Thankfully he has touring around Europe with his band, The Hollywood Vampires, and drinking with random fans till 4am to keep his mind off the shit show that is his life.
“The concerts and the tour are good for him. He doesn’t want to let his fans down. It’s the best distraction. He is still very upset about his mom and about all the Amber drama.”
The source adds that his team is keeping a close watch on him to make sure he doesn’t get out of control with the boozing. Adds another “source” whose breath probably smells like stinky tonsils and dirty silver tooth caps: “Yeah, and they’re being a real buzzkill.”
While Johnny is staring emotionally out his hotel window and drawing a broken heart in the condensation from his hot breath, what is Amber getting up to? When J Harvey reported this this weekend that Amber is suing comedian Doug Stanhope for defamation of character, he included a bunch of recent pictures of her leaving an office building in Beverly Hills. As it turns out, it was the office belonging to Gloria Allred. A source tells People that Amber was meeting with Gloria for a four-hour “consultation” on Friday.
Gloria hasn’t held a press conference to confirm that she’s representing Amber yet, so we can’t be sure that that’s a thing that will happen. But if it does, then it may soon be time to upgrade Johnny’s condition from “emotional mess” to “public relations nightmare.” The only thing worse than seeing the words “Amber Heard accuses Johnny Depp of something else” is seeing it followed by “….and here’s a very upset Gloria Allred to tell you all about it.”
Pic: Splash
Even Though He Tries, Nick Cannon Can’t Let Go
In that picture above, it looks like happiness is covering Nick Cannon’s face (and who wouldn’t feel happiness while working a camouflage turban that is very “Norma Desmond as Private Benjamin”), but he’s apparently filled to the top with sadness over no longer inhaling the sweet scent of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberry farts as he sleeps next to his wife Mimi. (Side note: I don’t know if Nick has converted to Sikhism or if he’s just really trying to make the “non-religious man turban” look happen.)
It has been almost two years since Nick and Mimi broke up, and a year and a half since he filed for divorce. They had a prenup, so they apparently figured out a property settlement and custody arrangement right away. All Nick has to do is sign the divorce papers and he’ll officially become Mimi’s second ex-husband, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.
As anyone who has lost 3% of their vision in both eyes thanks to being blinded by the 16-ton diamond boulder on Mimi’s finger knows, she is going to get married to Aussie billionaire Shrek and she can’t wait to say the words, “I take you Billionaire Shrek to be my lawfully wedded, always-full ATM.” Nick even congratulated Mimi on getting engaged, but TMZ is hearing that he still loves her and doesn’t want her to marry James Packer. Mimi is pissed, because she wants to move on.
Something is going on with Nick Cannon. First, Nick Cannon, who makes MC Skat Kat look like Tupac, reached the tip of delusion by challenging his sometime-arch rival Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle, and now he’s not cutting the chains tied to The Butterfly One so she can flutter off and be with her beloved soulmate: a never-ending mountain range of money. Someone should really tell Nick that if he truly loves someone, he should set them free and if it was meant to be, they’ll flutter back. Although, nothing could pry Mimi off of her billionaire husband’s yacht, because I doubt she wants to go back to a life of paying all her own bills.
And here’s Nick at The Nice Guy a few nights ago and Mimi leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last week.
Pics: Splash
Hilary Swank And Her Fiancé Are Over After Two Months Of Being Engaged
It looks like we have yet another relationship to throw onto the burning pile of famous people relationships. Except this time, it concerns a famous person that I forgot was engaged. That’s what happens when you don’t spend your vacation choreographing cheesy photo shoots for Instagram?
According to UsWeekly, Hilary Swank, star of The Next Karate Kid, has called it quits with her tennis coach fiancé, Ruben Torres. Hilary and Ruben got engaged a little over two months ago after dating for about a year. Something must have turned shitty during the wedding planning, because a rep for Hilary tells UsWeekly that a wedding isn’t going to happen. Hilary subtly confirmed she was done with Ruben by deleting any traces of him from her Instagram page, including a picture from March that was taken shortly after he proposed. She also showed up to the French Open this weekend without her engagement ring on.
This would have been Hilary’s second marriage. Hilary was married to Chad Lowe from 1997 to 2007.
Hilary’s rep didn’t give a reason for why they were calling off their engagement. But I really wish they did, because now my mind is running through all the possible dramatic situations that could kill an engagement after barely two months. Did Hilary catch Reuben “playing doubles” with someone else? Did she “return” the ring? Did Hilary “spin” another dude’s “balls“? I know that last one makes zero sense, but I’m totally in the dark here and I’m running out of tennis puns. Help me out, Hillary’s rep!
Here’s a single and ready to mingle Hilary at the French Open this weekend. Leonardo DiCaprio was also there. I’d make a joke about Hilary setting off his Available Woman Nearby radar, but as if Leo would ever have sex with someone who has more Oscars than him (“Two? You have two?? I don’t feel well, I’m going home.”)
Chris Brown Might Have Gotten A Giant Shoulder Tattoo Of His Daughter’s Face
Just like Justin Bieber, Chris Brown is on a quest to cover his body in as many random tattoos as possible. Well, it appears that he’s gone ahead and added another piece to his collection, and this time it’s a portrait of his 2-year-old daughter, Royalty Brown. Ah, the toddler portrait tattoo; the sophisticated second cousin to the infant footprints.
The Daily Mail says that early this morning, Chris Brown threw up the picture you see above to Instagram, followed by a picture of his shoulder with a not-finished portrait of Royalty on it. Not long after, he grabbed a bottle of Spray nine and scrubbed any trace of said pictures from his Instagram. So basically, that’s what I mean when I say he might have gotten a tattoo of his daughter. We can’t really confirm it, since the Instagram proof no longer exists. But of course, some people managed to grab a copy before he deleted them. This is what Chris Brown’s new tattoo of his daughter allegedly looks like.
A Surprise Kanye West Show Was Kancelled After Too Many People Showed Up
Usually concerts get cancelled after a roadie peeks out from behind the curtain 5 minutes before show time and realizes the audience consists solely of a dozen stray cats who ended up there after following the smell of green room tuna sandwiches through an open stage door. It’s less common for a show to get cancelled after too many people decide they want to see it. But that’s what happened at 2 this morning.
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For June 3rd!
You know it’s summer when the fruit flies show up. – buell
Upvote winner:
I had a great time last night. Thanks a bunch. – Mother Chucker
Pic: Break