Night Crumbs
Did I think I was going to spend a little piece of my Monday staring directly up into the double pair of Scientolonoseholes on Tom Cruise’s face? No, but I did, and yes, I looked to see if Shelly Miscavige was trapped up in there. Seen above looking like Jimmy Neutron’s crazed uncle, Tommy tweeted a video message where he’s thanking people for supporting Top Gun: Maverick while free-falling on his back through the sky at the same time. Many are impressed by Tommy’s latest STUNT QUEEN stunt, but I bet he always does this. I’m sure that one of the only times that Tommy can bust a Theatan-covered nut is when he’s staring at space while lying on his back thousands of feet in the air. Yup, it’s his ideas of fapping – Lainey Gossip
58-year-old Brad Pitt and his alleged girlfriend of the moment, 29-year-old Ines de Ramon, are spending New Year’s Eve together, according to a source. That source’s full name must be Wishful Fucking Thinking because I’m sure that Brad’s PR team will be linking him to a different piece by then – Gawker
Prince William Attended His Ex-Girlfriend’s Wedding Without Kate Middleton
Over the weekend, Prince William attended his ex-girlfriend Rose Farquhar’s wedding without Kate Middleton. Now, this Rose was not the Rose who William denied cheating with back in 2019. That was a Rose by another name: Rose Hansbury, aka Kate’s married ex-best friend. No, newlywed Rose dated William back in 2000, when he was 18 years old. The Daily Mail says Rose was “the Prince’s first serious girlfriend,” and People quotes the 2011 book The Making of a Royal Romance by describing their relationship as “an innocent, tender romance.” Well, maybe not that innocent. Apparently, William and Rose were once caught canoodling in a field by a farmer. “Oy! Stop fuckin’ on me’ land, you little perv- OH. Your majesty! Carry on, then.”
British TV Presenter Jeremy Clarkson Is “Horrified” That That People Are Horrified By His Horrifying Remarks About Meghan Markle
As we know, the British press can’t seem to get enough Meghan Markle in their diets, and some have resorted to scavenging the deepest, darkest recesses of their minds for imaginary scenarios upon which to feast. You know like when a cartoon character is starving to death and they picture their friend as a succulent roast chicken then act all surprised when they bite into a juicy thigh and Piers Fucking Morgan screams “ouch!” and all of a sudden everybody’s looking at them like they’re some sort of freak? Well, according to Reuters, that’s just what happened to Jeremy Clarkson, that exact kind of freak. A parched and pathetic Jeremy woke up this morning “horrified to have caused so much hurt” after sharing that he doesn’t sleep at night because he’s up “grinding [his] teeth and dreaming of the day when [Meghan] is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, ‘Shame!’ and throw lumps of excrement at her.” And it’s not like he just said this at his local Wendy’s drive-thru either. His excrement-forward fanfic was actually printed in The Sun!
Open Post: Hosted By James Cameron’s Scientific Study To Prove Jack Couldn’t Survive On That Floating Door In “Titanic”
JACK DAWSON IS DEAD. He froze to death in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in the wee hours of April 15, 2012, following the Titanic’s sinking. The question is… did Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) have to die? Rose (Kate Winslet) survived by floating on a door. Could Jack have also fit on that door and lived? In the 25 years since Titanic was released, many have asked this very important question. 47-year-old Kate Winslet is out there promoting another James Cameron project, Avatar: The Way of Water, and when she was asked, she answered, “I don’t fucking know.” But guess who does fucking know? James Fucking Cameron. In a Postmedia interview via the Toronto Sun, 68-year-old James revealed he literally commissioned a scientific study to “put this whole thing to rest and drive a stake through its heart once and for all.” The result? There was no way both Jack and Rose could have survived. RIP Jack Dawson. You were the hottest Leo’s ever been.
Sharon Osbourne Has Been Released From The Hospital After Suffering A Medical Emergency While Filming Jack Osbourne’s Ghost-Themed Show
Sharon Osbourne’s recent crusade to cancel “cancel culture” after The Talk canceled her didn’t really seem to take off–which is super shocking considering how all of our hearts have been aching over the trials and tribulations of a fully-grown hundreds-millionaire who was forced to face the consequences of her own actions. However, Sharon loves herself some Sharon, and it seems that she won’t rest until she’s back on TVs everywhere. But it looks like she might have to rest for a little while because she just got released from the hospital after having an undisclosed medical emergency on the set of Jack Osbourne’s Night of Terror.
Megan Thee Stallion’s Bodyguard Has Gone Missing Ahead Of His Court Appearance In The Tory Lanez Shooting Case
Canadian Keebler Elf rapper Tory Lanez is currently on trial for allegedly shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the summer of 2020. And although the trial has only just begun, it’s already had its fair share of shocking moments, including Megan’s former friend Kelsey Harris retracting her initial statements and Tory being completely blown away by the fact his career will never be as big as Megan’s. And in this week’s cliffhanger episode of Megan vs. The Munchkin, it’s been revealed her former bodyguard Justin Edison has allegedly gone missing ahead of his court appearance.