Category: Butt Stuff
Chess Grandmaster Hans Niemann Sues Magnus Carlsen For $100 Million
And now for Chapter III of the cheating scandal rocking the chess world — nay, the entire world. Yep, this subculture has officially been promoted to the main culture, and it’s all thanks to anal beads. First, a quick recap: in early September, 19-year-old grandmaster Hans Niemann beat 31-year-old Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen during a tournament match. After the loss, Magnus quit the tournament and took to Twitter to insinuate Hans had cheated. Chess fans on social media speculated that Hans may have cheated using anal beads that vibrated him the correct moves (using wireless A.I. tech). Hans denied everything, but Chess.com uninvited him from a tournament and banned him from their site. A couple of weeks later, Hans and Magnus faced off in an online streaming match, but Magnus logged off after just one move. Then, he did an interview where he repeated his implication that Hans was a cheater. Last Thursday, this nerdy Jack Harlow-type decided enough was enough. NPR reports that Hans filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against Magnus. Wow, you could buy a whole lot of vibrating anal beads with $100 million!
Open Post: Hosted By The $30,000 “Butt Rig” Used In A Salad Tossing Scene That Was Cut From “Bros”
Bros, the gay rom-com starring and co-written by Billy Eichner, opened last week in theaters and immediately flopped. Billy put the blame on straight people not hitting the theaters to see it. Others put the blame on how only superhero movies, horror movies, and movies with big names make money at the box office. But apparently, this film also made history by using a $30,000 device to simulate the joys of tickling ass with your tongue. Not that it matters now, because the scene was ultimately cut after The White Lotus hit it first.
A Chess Grandmaster Denies Accusations That He Cheated Using Vibrating Anal Beads
The chess world has been rocked by its biggest scandal in years: one of the players lost their virginity! JK, chess players probably have groupies in every chess city in the world. No, this scandal concerns 19-year-old chess grandmaster, Hans Niemann. The Evening Standard reports that, after winning a game against the world’s #1 grandmaster, Magnus Carlsen, Hans was hit with social media accusations that he cheated using vibrating anal beads that provided him with perfect A.I. moves. Hmmm, maybe refs should have known something was up when Hans crossed his eyes, drooled, and made Professor Frink noises right before moving his bishop to A5.
Open Post: Hosted By Christopher Meloni Responding To His Butt Going Viral
Apologies to Keanu Reeves but the internet’s actual boyfriend is a butt. Christopher Meloni’s to be exact (pictured here with his pooch Scotty the Wonder Dog). Christopher’s storied rump was recently spotted in Park Slope, Brooklyn as he filmed scenes for the latest Law & Order spin-off, L&O: Organized Crime. Now, a Meloni melon sighting, while always welcome, is not that infrequent, but this one was captured on film while Christopher was doing some kind of leg stretch, pushing his tight pants to the limit of their ability to contain the ham within. And the photo caused such a stir on Twitter, that Christopher was compelled to offer an explanation for how he came into possession of “so much cake.” Yes, it’s a ham, it’s cake, it’s a peach, it’s a pair of perfectly plump oversized King’s Hawaiian rolls — it’s a whole buffet.
Netflix’s “Bridgerton” Was Viewed By 82 Million Households Making It Their Biggest Hit To Date
Never underestimate the power of a hot ass. And candy-colored brocade. But mostly butts. That’s the not-so-secret formula that made Bridgerton, Shonda Rhimes’ first offering in her multi-million dollar Netflix deal, an incredible hit. Thanks in no small part to Regé-Jean Page’s thrusting buttocks, Bridgerton is now Netflix’s biggest hit to date, drawing the eyeballs of 82 million households (via CNN). That’s a lot of eyeballs! Poor Regé-Jean’s ass is likely to burst into flames under that kind of scrutiny. And such, I’d like to take the opportunity right here, in writing, to offer Regé-Jean my services should he need someone to tenderly slather his singed buns with some double-cream butter. I’ll even churn it myself!
Is The Pope (Into) Catholic (Schoolgirls With Big Asses)? The Vatican Investigates!
It finally happened, The Pope is canceled! And I’m not talking about that TV show starring Jude Law. I’m talking about that old Argentinian dude who lives in Italy and always wears that funny little boob hat with a nipple on top. According to New York Daily News, The Vatican has launched an investigation into what type of ass Pope Francis gets off on after his official Instagram account “liked” a picture of a Brazilian bikini model/Twitch streamer’s juicy junk hanging out the bottom of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. This is monumental. We might finally learn what floats the Pope’s boat when he’s pulling on that Pope rope.