Watch out, world! There’s a virile young man on the scene who’s just announced his credentials for admittance to the hallowed annals of the Seven Spawn Club where he joins loin-based luminaries Flavor Flav and Clint Eastwood (who actually has 8 if you count the American Sniper baby). According to People, Taylor Hanson, 37, recently MMM’bopped a seventh zygote into his wife of 18 years, Natalie Hanson. Jude Law and Alec Baldwin are reported to be shaking in their pants over being lapped by this young upstart with decades of fertile rutting on the horizon. And he did it all with the assistance of a single uterus! What a Himshero! That’s what we’re calling a male Shero, right?
Moving is hell, everybody knows this. First, you have to look closely at all your shitty shit and chide yourself for having so much shitty shit. Then you have to go steal boxes from the dumpster outside of Safeway and pack all your shit up under the cover of night, load it into a van and pray that the sketchy dude you found on Craigslist to help isn’t a serial killer or a narc. So I can understand why Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton, who according to Us Weekly, are stressed about their “nightmare” move into the newly renovated $13.2 million mansion they bought in May.
If there’s one positive thing to come out of this coronavirus pandemic, it’s that it’s given us a unique insight into Madonna’s creative process and film-making aesthetic. Madonna, whose current iteration appears to be that of “urban skate rat” meets “day-drunk eccentric auntie”(something very few can pull off, Madonna included), is ready to add yet another feather to her cap (or Kangol, stetson, snapback, Viking horns, crown of thorns, fedora—take your pick, she’s worn them all. Sometimes all at once) by becoming a Die-rector.
Yes, according to The Wrap, the upcoming Madonna biopic, co-written by Madonna (with Diablo Cody doing the actual writing and Madonna doing the rosé lubricated raconteur-ing) will also be directed by Madonna. Anyone who’s seen her Quarantine Diaries masterworks on Instagram (not to mention the unforgettable and haunting “The Great Equalizer” and the equally haunting “Fork to The Face”), already knows that Madonna will somehow manage to star in this shit as well.
For those keeping track, Donda: With Child is still undelivered when by this point, Kanye West should already be thinking about getting on a waiting list if he wants it to get into a good preschool. But I get it, Kanye’s been very, very, very busy. Not only is he running a [insert adjective of your choice] presidential campaign, according to a slew of recent tweets, he’s also Moses, Nat Turner, and “the 2nd richest black man in America” who is tirelessly working to free his people. His “people” being exclusive to any other rich Black man in America. So you’ll have to excuse him if his album won’t be out until Sony and Universal release him from his contract and Drake apologizes to him for, I don’t know, being richer than him I guess. Folks, as usual, it’s a mess.
There’s been a lot of surprise Marvel-meat popping up on our screens over the weekend. According to Entertainment Tonight Canada, Captain America’s rogue hog has been challenged by self-proclaimed “rogue horse,” Thor. Chris Hemsworth recently made a surprise appearance on the Australian news program Weekend Today and read the weather report while standing in a field of horses. However, compared to Chris Evans’ recent Instagram surprise appearance, Thor’s performance was dry and mild, but did trigger a high-pressure system in some people’s pants.
OK, I have a joke for you. A “cookbook author”, a “presenter” and an “entrepreneur” walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “what’ll it be, ladies?” All three lean over the bar and scream “HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!!?” Suddenly, an asteroid lands on the bar, and everything and everyone is instantly vaporized. That’s it. That’s the joke. The punchline could use a little work but it’s better than the truth in which Chrissy Tiegen, Jameela Jamil and Kim Kardashian continue to berate our eyeballs with their criminally stupid social media “debates.” This time it’s about Kim’s Skims maternity shapewear which Chrissy defended after Jameela said it makes pregnant women self-conscious about their growing bodies. Oh wait, did I say asteroid? I meant meatier.