We as a nation have seen some iconic lids. But Blossom’s flower-power bucket, LL Cool J’s Kangol, Indiana Jones’ fedora, John Wayne’s Stetson, and Brad Pitt’s unfortunate post-divorce slouchy beanie don’t hold a rhinestone to the glorious bejeweled bow Aretha Franklin wore to Barack Obama’s 2009 inauguration. As you may recall, when Aretha died it was originally thought that her estate would be divided evenly among her four sons. Then Aretha hit us with a curve ball from beyond the grave with three (THREE!) handwritten wills, one of which was found tucked under the couch cushions. This complicated matters and, according to Vulture, Barack himself is now in the mix. He wants that hat and he’ll stop at nothing to get it!
Kids, they’re such ingrates! You ALLEGEDLY crash one little fuel truck and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy. Us Weekly is reporting that Maddox Jolie-Pitt (now 18) and his pops, William Bradley Pitt, are estranged-er than a motherfucker. To the point where “Maddox doesn’t really see himself as Brad’s son”, according to a source, one who possibly has long, lustrous hair, smells of the jungle after a cooling rain, and has Us Weekly on speed dial.
The latest development in the Bond 25 saga, unfortunately, doesn’t involve anything as exciting as toilet cams, explosions, broken bones, Grace Jones’ spittle or Rami Malek being a weirdo. In fact, it’s kind of a snoozefest of a development. The official title (and release date) has been announced and it’s not Shatterhand as had been previously reported. Bond 25 will be titled No Time To Die, which harkens back to some of the classic titles of yore like Live and Let Die, Die Another Day, Tomorrow Never Dies, Die Like Your Life Depends on It, Die Becomes Her, and Don’t Die, Dry Your Eye (that’s the one where Slick Rick sang the theme song).
Lest we need yet another reminder that Frances McDormand is a real one, TMZ is reporting that she’s the one responsible for allowing Terry Bryant, the man who stole her 2018 Best Actress Oscar for Three Billboards right out from under her nose, to get off with the crime scot-free. A judge dismissed the case against Terry because Frances refused to cooperate with the police. And if you’ve seen the footage of Terry that he posted after the crime celebrating his “victory”, you’ll see why Frances was probably inclined to just go ahead and let Terry, a black gentleman of a certain age, continue to live his best Sidney Poitier They Call Me Mr. Tibbs fantasy in peace. She probably considers this small act of mercy a way of satisfying a clause in her inclusion rider.
Out of the grey, desolate bleakness, a new hero has emerged. Show me a woman who managed to, in 4 days, watch 55 episodes of Friends at work while getting paid, and I’ll show you an icon. Her name is Chase Robinson, but instead of being rewarded for her astounding achievements in workplace don’t-give-a-fuckatude, she’s being punished with a $6 million dollar lawsuit brought on by her former employer, Robert De Niro. Sure, Chase may have also been accused of a little light embezzlement on the side, but how else was she supposed to eat lunch while watching Netflix at work if not for the Canal Productions company credit card? Did Bobby expect her to bring a bologna sandwich from home or some shit? Hell to the naw.
Tom Felton posted a picture of himself and Harry Potter co-star Emma Watson playing the guitar together, and The Fandom is already making plans for their wedding. I never got into Harry Potter shit so I had to do a little research to see why The Fandom would be interested in seeing Emma booed up with that skeezy-looking blond one, who I thought everybody hated. Apparently Tom, the actor who played said skeezy blond Draco Malfoy, is the opposite of his character and is actually a sensitive artist type. So it’s not surprising that Tom and Emma are friends in real life. Which obviously means they’re totally fucking.