Emily Ratajowski Is Reportedly “Begging” Olivia Wilde For Forgiveness After Kissing Her Ex Harry Styles
I was only partially kidding when I suggested that Emily Ratajkowski might want to hit up Chester P. Hanks for her next stunt following her tryst with Eric Andre, but she somehow outdid even my own imagination by selecting her reported “friend” Olivia Wilde’s ex, Harry Styles, as her latest conquest. Last week Em and Harry were spotted making out in the streets of Tokyo when, according to Page Six, “just weeks ago,” Em and Olivia were hanging out together at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. What was she thinking?! Chet could have provided her all the fuss she could ever hope for, with none of the muss of macking on a popstar with a legion of unruly fans and an ex that she’s friends with. Now Page Six says Emily’s “begging” Olivia “for forgiveness” when she could be talking Chet into getting a tattoo of her face on his face! A loss for us all. Olivia isn’t the only one suffering from Em’s thoughtless “betrayal.”
If you find that you absolutely must suck up to a billionaire, find you one like Angelina Jolie’s recent lunch date, David Mayer de Rothschild. Not only has his family name been swinging doors (and legs) open since the 16th century, but he’s worth approximately $10 billion, under 50, 6’4” tall, and claims to be an “environmentalist.” Not to be confused with that other noted Eco-warrior, poor distant relation Nicky Hilton Rothschild, David doesn’t just play at environmentalism by dressing the part, according to Page Six, “per his Instagram bio, he also wants to ‘warn and inform people about global warming.’” In case you were wondering what he and Angie discussed over lunch at Nobu Malibu last Thursday.
Day five of Caucasian Court TV’s highest-rated show, The Cashmere Yeti: Vengeance at Deer Valley, is underway and earlier today we heard testimony from Terry Sanderson, the 76-year-old retired optometrist who claims that his life was ruined after Gwyneth Paltrow sent him “absolutely flying” when she skied into him from behind at the Deer Valley Resort in Park City, Utah in 2016. Terry claims to have suffered permanent brain damage that has turned into an unlikable person and robbed him of his ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like wine tasting. On Friday, Gwyneth took the stand and claimed that it was Terry who skied into her that day, and as a result, she “lost half a day of skiing.” She did not, however, blame him for her personality or her inability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like food tasting.
What do worst Paul brother Jake Paul, Lil Yachty, Soulja Boy, Austin Mahone, Akon, Ne-Yo, and porn star Kendra Lust all have in common? Well, thanks to the genre-bending, quadruple threat and possible bearer of out next Lord and Savior, Lindsay Lohan, they are all just one degree of separation away from three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep. CNN reports that Lindsay and her ragtag gang of “business” “associates” have all been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission with violating disclosure rules while promoting crypto tokens on social media. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can anchor a team of random miscreants like our Lady in the Red.
The Alleged Victim In Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Accident Trial Claims He Can No Longer Enjoy Wine Tasting Because Of Her
A scream pierces the crystalline blue skies above a pristine alpine wonderland. Suddenly, chaos. A once “charming” man’s life is forever altered. He is, after a run-in with one Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, AKA the Cashmere Yeti, “no longer charming.” So says the attorney of Terry Sanderson, the man who claims his ability to enjoy the finer things in life, like wine tasting, was snuffed out in an instant when Gwyneth plowed into him on the bunny slope of the Deer Valley Resort in Park City, Utah on Feb. 26, 2016, a day that will live in infamy. The stakes literally could not be higher for Gwyneth as she continues to fight for her honor in a drab and drafty civil courtroom. Gwyneth stands accused of causing Terry to suffer “a life-altering brain injury” as a result of her “neglect, her choices and her disregard,” according to The Washington Post. Terry, 76, is suing Gwyneth for $300,000, down from his initial request for $3 million. Gwyneth is counter-suing for $1.
Damn, dolphins! You had one job to do! TMZ reports that Dick Van Dyke, one of the world’s last remaining INTERNATIONAL TREASURES, folded his lanky 97-year-old ass into his 2018 Lexus LS 500 and crashed into a gate. Thank goodness that “he managed to avoid serious injury” and no thanks to his pod of guardian dolphins who pushed him to shore in 2010 when he fell asleep while surfing and drifted off to sea. No! Don’t scream “ACKACKACKACKACK” at me, you rubbery little freaks, I know he was on land, but if you save Dick Van Dyke once, you’ve agreed to save him for life. I hope you all get turned into tuna fish for what you’ve done.