After The New York Post published an article questioning his cooking abilities, Brooklyn Beckham, the 22-year-old son of David and Victoria Beckham, is learning the hard way that nepotism is a double-edged sword. Even the most inherently talented and hard-working celebrity spawn must one day come to terms with the fact that people will always question their abilities, and if they’re lucky, their success. And as difficult as the road to success may be, earning people’s respect is harder still. But when you know deep down in your heart that you’ve received your calling, nothing, not even strangers on the internet, can keep you from your dreams. Because you are very rich and Vogue owes your mom a favor.
Vogue sent a team of producers, directors, grips, gaffers, production assistants, camera operators, set designers, a COVID supervisor, and a chef named Francesco Sansone to Brooklyn’s house to catch the magic of creation as he and his fiancé Nicola Peltz “cooked” a special Valentine’s Day meal together. And still, even with all that help, Brooklyn failed to convince anybody other than himself that he has any business having a cooking show, let alone one called Cookin’ with Brooklyn. As Allison previously pointed out, there’s not a lot of actual cookin’ going on. According to Vogue though, he’s doing great, sweetie.
When Valentine’s Day rolls around, there’s nothing more romantic than preparing a homemade meal for your other half—something Brooklyn Beckham knows all too well, having spent much of lockdown perfecting his culinary skills on Instagram and quickly gaining an audience in the process. To coincide with his weekly cooking show, Cookin’ With Brooklyn, on Watch Together via Messenger, Beckham invited Vogue into his kitchen back in December to prepare tagliatelle and pecan pie for his fiancé, Nicola Peltz. And now, he’s inviting us back to his home again for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for two.
You can watch the video down below, which I did in its entirety despite the hissing sound of a slow leak as my last brain cells slowly died from stupidity one at a time. But I don’t recommend it. The only reason to watch a cooking show is to gain knowledge and inspiration, but the only knowledge Brooklyn was able to impart was that his fiancé
also “can’t cook to save her life.” That is the only marginally insightful observation you’ll get from Brooklyn. So I’ll recap it here for you as best I can.
So, apparently, Nicola doesn’t eat dairy, so the main entree of the menu he chose to prepare was pizza. But since it’s VD, it’s a heart-shaped pizza with some chalky-looking hunks of cashew mozzarella that Nicole spends half the video squishing between her fingers. Brooklyn said they were going to make two separate pizzas, but I guess time ran away from him/”Line Producer: Tina Magnuson” so they ended up only making one that’s extremely busted. As they’re making it, we can see lots of little bowls filled with neatly chopped toppings (thanks, Chef Francesco!) that Brooklyn never touches or mentions. But he does hold a whole onion at one point, and later puts some slices on his half, making me think he might be better suited to a career as a sleight of hand magician. He also pulls what he claims is a piping hot pizza stone out of the oven and sets it down on his beautiful butcher block counter. In the next scene, the heart-shaped pizza dough is sitting on the now ice-cold pizza stone while Nicola ladles on mystery red sauce while wearing an off-white quilted wool sweater. To her credit, her nails are an appropriate length for squishing cubes of vegan cheese. Here’s the end result.
Her side is on the left and it looks much nicer than his. Give Nicola her own show called Squishin’ with Nic. Next up is Dessert. What’s the most basic dessert you can think of to go with this most basic of Valentine’s entrees? Chocolate lava cake of course! Because nothing says I Love You quite like 1998. Here’s Brooklyn’s extremely detailed, painstaking tested, foolproof recipe.
Only it’s supposed to be dairy-free so Brooklyn used vegan butter instead without telling us what it’s made of or where to get it. Maybe he assumes we all have a Chef Francesco hiding in our pantries? The less said about the making of the lava cake the better. Let’s just call it a mamma chicken’s worst nightmare. It’s an embryonic disaster. And finally, what basic ass meal is complete without a basic ass cocktail? Not this one. This one comes with a virgin espresso martini. While putting it together, Brooklyn pours something into it saying “this is supposed to be vodka” but then doesn’t say what it is. And when Nicola goes to taste it she says “I love drinks that don’t taste like alcohol, so this is right up my alley,” which is confusing. So confusing in fact, that I had to skip back in the video to see in Brooklyn’s “recipe” that’s it’s supposed to be an unknowable amount of “non-alcoholic herbal spirit.” If you’re lucky (or your parents are famous enough to get invited to Brooklyn and Nicola’s wedding), you too may have the opportunity to say “hey, what’s in this?” According to Vogue, they’ve got their signature cocktail almost nailed down.
“The more wedding meetings that we have, the more real it feels,” says Beckham. “I’m gonna be married in two months! I’m excited.” Most importantly of course, as gourmands, they have to settle on their signature drink for the event. On the shortlist? An espresso martini, lychee martini, or elderflower martini. You heard it here first.
Well, I actually heard it about 15 years ago when those drinks were popular, but what do I know. I’m no expert. But Brooklyn (allegedly) is!