Taylor Swift Almost Admitted That The Red Scarf Jake Gyllenhaal Allegedly Stole Was Just A Metaphor

*TW*  musty knitwear, obvious metaphors and presumed sexual activity between consenting adults.

Today in SHOCKING NEWS, 32-year-old adult woman Taylor Swift has nearly publicly admitted to having lost her virginity more than a decade ago to a hot older man as depicted in the 15-minute “short film” that accompanied last fall’s All To Well (Taylor’s Version), off of the rerecording of her 2012 album Red. BuzzFeed reports that Taylor brought ATW: (Taylor’s Version) The Movie, which she directed, to the Toronto International Film Festival (Taylor’s Version) and was asked to explain the meaning behind the red scarf that gets passed between the Jake Gyllenhaal stand-in Dylan O’Brien and Taylor stand-in Sadie Sink in the film. As Jake will never, ever, ever be allowed to forget, he and Taylor dated for about three months in 2010 before he allegedly stole her scarf and ghosted her on her 21st birthday, presumably because there were no other filmmakers on hand at TIFF at whom one might direct these types of critical questions about the art and craft of cinema.

Thankfully, while Taylor was too flustered by the question to use grown-up words like “virginity” or “vagina,” she was able to drop her pearls long enough to explain that the Red Scarf is a metaphor for SOMETHING before she trailed off and changed the subject. The pearls, by the way, are a metaphor for her clitoris. Yes, Taylor won’t say the word “virginity” out loud but she was sitting up there on stage diddling her pearls for the whole world to see. According to BuzzFeed:

…on Saturday, Taylor was asked about the importance of the scarf during an appearance at the Toronto International Film Festival, where she joined its CEO, Cameron Bailey, for a screening of the short film as well as a discussion about the making of it.

When quizzed, Taylor became visibly flustered as she explained the scarf’s meaning.

“The scarf is a metaphor, um… And… We turned it red because red is a very important color in this album, which is called Red,” she began.

After some awkward laughter, Taylor continued: “Um… And I think when I say it’s a metaphor, I’m just going to stop… And I’m going to say thanks for the incredible question to whoever asked it, you’ve really taken us for a ride with that one, thank you.”

Please take a moment to discard the empty ammonia ampules littered at your feet now that you have processed this alarming development in the Saga of the Red Scarf (SOTRS). Maybe if ATW:(TV)TM makes it all the way to the Academy Awards, someone can ask her what her private jet is a metaphor for. Here’s Taylor being absurdly coy about her use of metaphor in songwriting, as all great artists must.

@wreckmyplans♬ original sound – tasha

BuzzFeed notes that Swifties have long discussed the Red Scarf as a metaphor for Taylor’s virginity, a theory that gained even more steam in 2014 when a source told Radar Online that “Taylor had indeed lost her virginity to Jake, which is why she took their breakup so hard.” As we know from last year’s resurgence of the Jake hate, even his sister Maggie Gyllenhaal has been dragged into the SOTRS because of the lyric “I left my scarf there at your sister’s house / And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now,” which in light of recent revelations, implies that Taylor lost her virginity to Jake at Maggie’s house. Maggie probably found it the next day all damp and bunched at the bottom of the soiled sheets from the guest room and threw that shit right in the trash, never once stopping for a minute to consider the literary, historical or cultural significance of what she was doing. So let’s not stay mad at Jake for taking Taylor’s virginity. Let us instead direct our collective ire at Maggie for throwing away a perfectly good metaphor like that. Thankfully, Taylor has since been able to recoup the loss by selling physical representations of her virginity on her website for just $35! Hand wash only, I hear the color may bleed a little after the first wash.

Pic: BauerGriffin/INSTARimages.com/Cover Images, ABACA/INSTARimages.com