Not content to let Gwyneth Paltrow be the only bottle of Nepotism Springs bland blonde water to gurgle out their thoughts on bloggers, the incense-burning fringed leather Goop Kate Hudson has added her name to the list of famous rich white ladies who get bummed out every time they read something not-nice about themselves online. In an interview with InStyle, Kate pushed out a single fauxhemian tear over those judgy assholes of the internet, but not before she could get in some judgemental shade at the expense of two of her old fuck pieces:
On acting like she never helped administer the daily juice-injections into the ass cheeks of her two roided-up exes, Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez:
“I was as shocked as anyone. But I personally think that you make the choices you make and you should reap the consequences. People have a right to [feel betrayed]. Lance and Alex are phenomenal athletes who have made some bad choices and let a lot of people down. It’s a decision they made for themselves and they’ve got to loathe it.”
On turning into Mr. Tyzik from The Kids in the Hall every time she sees the paparazzi:
“I mentally cut their heads off.”
On how bloggers should LEAVE KIM KARDASHIAN-TYPES ALOOOOONE (but also tricks who are starting to look like if Goldie Hawn fucked a decorative ceramic panther):
“The negativity is just so vast. Will everybody stop being so damned judgmental? If someone wants to go get butt implants, then sure, go get butt implants. The real question is, How do they treat the person next to them? Are they assholes or are they awesome?”
I know Kate Hudson wants me to stop being so damned judgemental, but I’m putting on my detachable lace collar and judging the fuck out of the near-sighted intern responsible for Photoshopping Kate Hudson to hell and back until she ended up resembling a boho Flat Stanley in a bikini. Dear InStyle: I’ve had paper dolls with more lifelike-looking legs than hers.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
If you want to sound like a real pretentious twat, order a Hudson and Bellamy on the rocks at the bar.
People says that the Dollar Tree (yet slightly less insufferable) version of Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow are on the verge of breaking up and the battery on their relationship has dipped into the red zone and is about to shut down. Dear athletes and British musicians, get your sperm count up by gobbling down all the zinc and folic acids, because Kate Hudson might be on the prowl soon!
Some source tells People that after being engaged for three years, Kate Hudson and Matthew Bellamy aren’t really hanging around each other anymore and they’re spending more and more time apart. Kate and Matthew met at Coochella in 2010 (TYPICAL!) and a year later they were engaged and a few months after that she birthed out their son Bing. Kate also has a son named Ryder with Chris Robinson. People’s source says that they’re trying to work things out, but shit isn’t looking good.
“Kate and Matt have been on the rocks for some time. They’re not in a great place. [They] are still living together. Kate is not giving up.”
UsWeekly echoed People’s story and added that they’re taking time apart to work crap out.
I had a boyfriend who obviously wanted to dump my ass and every time I thought he was going to do it, he’d back out. I never brought it up, because I didn’t want him to break up with me. So, he finally told me we should take a little time apart to thinks about things. We didn’t live together and I only saw his face about once a week. I knew what that bitch was doing. He didn’t want to let go of one boyfriend until he got himself another. It’s like when your job puts you on “probation,” but they’re really just getting your last check ready and holding interviews for your replacement. A shady slut knows a shady slut when he sees one. He wanted to spend “our time apart” clearing his head all over my replacement’s chest and by “his head” I don’t mean the one on his neck. Anyway, I took him up on his offer and he dumped me a month later.
That’s really the only thing I have to add to this story. Oh, I have one more thing to add. Maybe Matt wants to take a little time apart, because every time he does see Kate Hudson she has a new face and it confuses him. Here’s Kate at a BVLGARI event in West Hollywood two nights ago and the HELL is her face? Is it a sneaky wombat trying disguise itself as a cat? Is it a dwarf who’s making some money on the side by working as a JLo impersonator? Maybe her hair is pulled really, really tight. Maybe if she undid that bun, her face would fall back into its original position. Yeah, probably not.
Last year, Kate Hudson birthed out her second son and named him after a sports bar in the Boston area. (Okay, I don’t know if there’s a sport bar in the Boston area named Bingham Bellamy, but there should be.) Like all woman who have a hungry fetus inside of her for 9 months, her body got a few layers of chunk on it and she said she spent a quarter of her entire day working out to lose all the weight. Kate told Star Magazine (via Daily Mail) that right after her second kid was born, she spent more time doing Pilates than hanging out with him:
“I devoted six hours a day to a vigorous workout regime. I would do 45 or 55 minutes of cardio then an hour of Pilates or yoga, three times a day.”
I blame babies for being so greedy all the time. While they’re growing in a woman’s womb, they should go on a juice cleanse (LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) so its mom won’t have to eat a bunch of food and get totally fat. Then when it comes out, instead of wailing for food all the time and crying for its mom to clean poop out of its butt, it should hold down its mom’s feet so she can do sit ups and lose whatever weight she gained. It’s all baby’s fault for being a selfish baby.
And I think what Kate Hudson really meant to say is that she pretty much spent six FIGURES on getting full body lipo, a tummy tuck, a tit lift, vagina rejuvenation, uterus reupholstery and a new ass installed.
Like this bitch really spent 6 hours a day working out. When did she find the time to take care of Baby Bingham, do the laundry, clean the house, go to the grocery, make all the meals and take the other one to school? “Ahahahahaaaaa, that’s funny.” – Kate Hudson while taking a break from her six hours of Pilates while the nanny bottle feeds the baby in the corner.
Here’s Kate and Matt Bellamy taking their baby for a walk in London the other day. Doing all that yoga and Pilates really messed up sense of direction, because bitch is walking backwards!
Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?
As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.
As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye. Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.
I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.
I know, how can I do Goldie Hawn like that especially after I wrote the paps a ticket for mistaking bright shining beauty Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan injects her lips with the liquefied remains of her career in hopes that one day she’ll be as beautiful as Goldie Hawn. Drop the syringe, LiLo, because you can’t touch this. Goldie launched her children’s charity, The Hawn Foundation, in London last night and since she’s given so much to society, she decided to do something good for herself by donating several bottles of champs to her froat!
Goldie’s hair usually looks like a pack of chihuahuas tried to burrow themselves into it, but it was a category 5 mess last night. Bitch’s hair was even drunk. I bet if you snipped off a lock of Goldie’s hair and dipped it in a glass of Canada Dry, you’d have an instant 100 proof gin and tonic. Even though Goldie forgot how to get into a car and gave a Mad Men extra a free granny poon show, she still looked like a drunk tumbleweed of glamour. Which is more than I can say for Kate Hudson, who looked like a stoned overgrown dwarf.
The last time Kate Hudson threw the brown on top of her head, I toasted to her with a Pabst wrapped in a Rice Krispies treat beer cozy and declared her the new reigning queen of NASCAR glamour, because she looked like the kind of treasured trailer park blossom who submits pictures of herself from People of Walmart to Tits and Beer Magazine’s beauty of the year contest. But Kate strut out onto the NYC set of her new movie The Reluctant Fundamentalist with a Russell Brand wig on her head and this time I can’t toast to shit.
At least I hope that thing on her head can be removed and thrown onto a bedside chair at the end of the night. If it can, they really should’ve dunked her head in a tub of brown dye instead of fixing a wig to her skull that makes her look like she should be discussing topics like “how a lady can free a stuck shit by putting a finger up into her vagina” (please tell me this is true) next to Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne. No offense to my 4th favorite Conner after DJ, Roseanne and Dan.
However, one way to keep our eyes off of Kate’s head is to put her next to a hot piece in a corduroy jacket. His name is Riz Ahmed and we shall be married never, but a ho can still dream (and fap).
But back to whatever is on Kate’s head, I give it 5 out of 5 ERRRRR faces from the new love of my blog life.
If you were sitting there thinking that no Hudson is as insufferably annoying as Kate Hudson, then meet Bill Hudson the man who pushed out the sperm that was later transformed into the dwarf monster who terrorizes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. Bill, who made Kate and Oliver Hudson with Goldie Hawn and later wiped his hands of parental rights when Kurt Russell came on the scene, is releasing an ESCANDALOSO tell-all this fall without the ESCANDALOSO part. Bill is basically Michael Lohan-ing this shit by crying about how Goldie and Kurt are the ones who pushed him out, and now Kate Hudson won’t even talk to him or her memaw who is dying from Alzheimer’s.
Bill is whining so hard that he’s making Kate seem as pleasant as a hand job from a daisy. The details about this mess from Radar:
Life in the spotlight is not without its consequences, and the Hudson family was no exception,” the book’s website touts. “While enjoying success as a part of the 1970s musical group The Hudson Brothers, Bill Hudson fell in love and married actress Goldie Hawn.
“After their divorce, Bill found himself in the middle of the controversial issue of parental alienation. His rights as a father to see his children were often played out in the media because Oliver and Kate became actors themselves.”
Devastating secrets and salacious details of both Goldie and Kate’s lives are expected to be revealed.
As RadarOnline.com was first to report, Bill accused Kate of not visiting or calling her dying grandma, who is battling Alzheimer’s disease.
“Kate doesn’t have to talk to me and she doesn’t have to give her a dime of her millions. All I want is for her to call and say, ‘Hi grandma’, before it’s too late,” Bill said.
“I love Kate, but… She has done stuff which is just awful. She is a spoiled brat in my eyes and at the end of the day, she should meet her little sister. I should meet my grandchild and she should help her grandmother.”
That shit is supposed to be salacious? Bill is just trying to shame Kate into throwing some of her Something Borrowed money into her grand mama je’e's pocket book while trying to make a check himself. Well, I guess if you can’t get your daughter to give you some money, you might as well make some money off of her ass by calling her a “spoiled brat” in a tell-all book that not even dust will touch. But you know, after watching the last part of Bride Wars the other night, I’m totally on Team Asshole Bill.
Here’s Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a “Waitress, there’s a BARF in my soup!” face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it’s not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection.
Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY
Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY
In case you forgot what a tiny newbornling looks like, here’s Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy’s 5-week-old son Bingham Hawn Bellamy (that name still makes my eyeballs twist) making his public debut in a picture his dad Twatted yesterday.
You know, Kate Hudson probably brought in a stylist to perfectly blow out her hair and then made her make-up artist do up her face up so it looks like the sunlight is naturally bringing out the rosy in her cheeks, but bitch couldn’t pose Bing so he doesn’t look like he’s trying to pull a new name out of his nose?
And how dare Kate and Matt release the first picture of Bing for free! They could’ve done a 10-page spread for Life & Style and donated all of the money to a children’s charity. Think of all the third world orphans who will starve until the Grim Reaper taps on their shoulders, because of Kate and Matt’s selfishness!
But seriously, now that I look at Bing, he looks more like a Chanandler Bong to me.
via Too Fab