Nick Jonas and Kate Hudson were supposedly casual fuck buddies for a minute last year and after they took a break from each other’s genitals, she lured him back into her parts by posting a picture of her nalgas on her assistant’s Instagram page. They’re apparently back to doing each other again. Nick did an interview with Kerensa Cadenas of Complex and she says that she got drunk, so she was completely fuck deficient when she came out and asked him if he’s humping on Kate Hudson’s coochie.
“Are you having sex with Kate Hudson?”
“Umm,” he laughs. “You know, it’s interesting. You’re allowed to ask me whatever the fuck you want and I’ll answer it, or not.”
“You’ll answer it in whatever ways it fits.”
“Kate’s incredible. We had an unbelievable connection as two humans who just admire things about each other, and see something in each other that’s beautiful. Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection. Even now I have so much admiration and respect. She’s amazing.”
Let’s break down the last part of Nick’s comment:
“Kate’s incredible” = “We had sex.”
“We had an unbelievable connection” = “We had sex.”
“…two humans who just admire things about each other” = “She loved the d and I loved the p.”
“I’m not going to say if we had sex or not” = “We had sex.”
“Even now I have so much admiration and respect” = “We still have sex every now and again.”
And Kate Hudson would be into a dude who says shit like “beautiful connection” and “humans who just admire things about each other” instead of just saying, “Yeah, we fucked.”
Kate Hudson’s ASSistant posted this picture of her putting her nalgas on display in a bathtub all the way back in November and no one really saw it until today when UsWeekly wet farted up the story behind her behind.
Kate supposedly started dropping her 36-year-old cooze on Nick Jonas’ 23-year-old peen back in September, but things were only casual and they stopped bumping it for a while. A source tells UsWeekly that Kate wanted to lure Nick back into her fuck parts so she got her assistant to post a picture of her cub bait ass on Instagram. I know, there’s so much water in that tub and yet she’s still thirsty. Since Nick is a gold medal-winning gay baiter, Kate should’ve written “Gay Club Here” over her butt cheeks if she really, really wanted him to pay a visit to her ass.
Kate’s Jonas bait worked because they’re doing it again. Kate’s uncensored ass crack is after the jump.
“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.
Over two WHOLE weeks ago, Kate Hudson and professional gay baiter Nick Jonas were in Orlando together and anybody who has been to Orlando knows that there’s only two things to do there: go to amusement parks and fuck. Kate and Nick went to Disney World and everyone guessed that they sexed on each other too. Well, that was two weeks ago and it looks like they’re still boning. I’m actually surprised, because I would’ve guessed that by now, Kate would’ve tossed that Jonas piece into the pile of boy toys and we would’ve heard an “ouch” coming from one of Madonna’s ex-toys after Nick landed on him.
Kate was at some event a few days ago when a reporter type asked her if her coochie is getting a few servings of Jonas dick. She didn’t want to talk about it.
And on Oct. 13 at the La Mer: Celebration of an Icon event in Hollywood, Hudson expertly avoided the question while speaking to Us Weekly and other reporters, saying, “Oh god, yeah, oh yeah…see ya later.”
“Oh god, yeah, oh yeah….see ya later” pretty much sums up 99% of my sexual experiences.
And last night, Kate and Nick partied at a club in NYC together and left just seconds after each other. When a famous ho leaves a club seconds after another famous ho does, that means they’re totally licking each other’s parts.
Kate and Nick aren’t saying whether or not they’re fuck buddies, but their outfits say everything that needs to be said. Kate left her hotel in NYC this morning in a ugly Canadian tuxedo and a 90s red shirt from Charlotte Russe. She was probably so broke off and dozed off from doing a Jonai that she let her stylist throw absolutely anything on her damn body.
Since Cameron Diaz is still married to that Madden brother and my former home wrecking hero Sienna Miller is a wholesome mom now, we have to count on Kate Hudson to be Hollywood’s premiere tramp who makes all of us sluts proud. But the latest move her chocha made has truly made me squirt out a load of HUHs. Who cares about water on Mars? The real BREAKING news of the day is that Kate Hudson is supposedly fucking a Jonas Bros.
When Kate and Matt Bellamy broke up last year, she moved on to Derek Hough, which was weird to me, but I figured that she was dabbling in the beard game. But bumping her 36-year-old coochie against 23-year-old Nick Jonas is seven stacks of random. TMZ says that Nick did a show at the House of Blues in Orlando over the weekend and Kate joined her maybe fuck piece in Florida. TMZ has pictures of them at Disney World together and pictures of them at brunch in Miami. Their sources say that Kate and Nick aren’t “dating,” but her legendary vagine has definitely visited his peen.
And here’s the pictures of them at brunch in Miami:
Kate is giving you the smug face of a trick who just boned the purity cock ring off of a Jonas Brother and wants you to know. And Nick is making the face a worn out youngin’ makes when he’s trying to hold down the hungover barfs after spending a night trying to keep up with Kate Hudson in the booze and boning department. Kate is going to eat that chicken ALIVE.
Oliver Hudson (aka the hot douche from Nashville) celebrated Father’s Day last week by Instagramming an old childhood picture of himself, his sister Kate Hudson and their bio dad Bill Hudson along with the heart-warming caption: “Happy abandonment day… @katehudson.” Oliver continued to caca all over the man whose jizz made him by wishing his stepfather Kurt Russell a happy Father’s Day. Kate also wished Kurt a happy Daddy’s Day on Instagram. Well, Bill Hudson blew a warm “fuck you” right back at them. If you’ve got a dysfunctional family (and who doesn’t?), this wreck may make you feel a tiny bit better.
I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!
Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.
All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.