Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.
Over two WHOLE weeks ago, Kate Hudson and professional gay baiter Nick Jonas were in Orlando together and anybody who has been to Orlando knows that there’s only two things to do there: go to amusement parks and fuck. Kate and Nick went to Disney World and everyone guessed that they sexed on each other too. Well, that was two weeks ago and it looks like they’re still boning. I’m actually surprised, because I would’ve guessed that by now, Kate would’ve tossed that Jonas piece into the pile of boy toys and we would’ve heard an “ouch” coming from one of Madonna’s ex-toys after Nick landed on him.
Kate was at some event a few days ago when a reporter type asked her if her coochie is getting a few servings of Jonas dick. She didn’t want to talk about it.
And on Oct. 13 at the La Mer: Celebration of an Icon event in Hollywood, Hudson expertly avoided the question while speaking to Us Weekly and other reporters, saying, “Oh god, yeah, oh yeah…see ya later.”
“Oh god, yeah, oh yeah….see ya later” pretty much sums up 99% of my sexual experiences.
And last night, Kate and Nick partied at a club in NYC together and left just seconds after each other. When a famous ho leaves a club seconds after another famous ho does, that means they’re totally licking each other’s parts.
Kate and Nick aren’t saying whether or not they’re fuck buddies, but their outfits say everything that needs to be said. Kate left her hotel in NYC this morning in a ugly Canadian tuxedo and a 90s red shirt from Charlotte Russe. She was probably so broke off and dozed off from doing a Jonai that she let her stylist throw absolutely anything on her damn body.
Since Cameron Diaz is still married to that Madden brother and my former home wrecking hero Sienna Miller is a wholesome mom now, we have to count on Kate Hudson to be Hollywood’s premiere tramp who makes all of us sluts proud. But the latest move her chocha made has truly made me squirt out a load of HUHs. Who cares about water on Mars? The real BREAKING news of the day is that Kate Hudson is supposedly fucking a Jonas Bros.
When Kate and Matt Bellamy broke up last year, she moved on to Derek Hough, which was weird to me, but I figured that she was dabbling in the beard game. But bumping her 36-year-old coochie against 23-year-old Nick Jonas is seven stacks of random. TMZ says that Nick did a show at the House of Blues in Orlando over the weekend and Kate joined her maybe fuck piece in Florida. TMZ has pictures of them at Disney World together and pictures of them at brunch in Miami. Their sources say that Kate and Nick aren’t “dating,” but her legendary vagine has definitely visited his peen.
And here’s the pictures of them at brunch in Miami:
Kate is giving you the smug face of a trick who just boned the purity cock ring off of a Jonas Brother and wants you to know. And Nick is making the face a worn out youngin’ makes when he’s trying to hold down the hungover barfs after spending a night trying to keep up with Kate Hudson in the booze and boning department. Kate is going to eat that chicken ALIVE.
Oliver Hudson (aka the hot douche from Nashville) celebrated Father’s Day last week by Instagramming an old childhood picture of himself, his sister Kate Hudson and their bio dad Bill Hudson along with the heart-warming caption: “Happy abandonment day… @katehudson.” Oliver continued to caca all over the man whose jizz made him by wishing his stepfather Kurt Russell a happy Father’s Day. Kate also wished Kurt a happy Daddy’s Day on Instagram. Well, Bill Hudson blew a warm “fuck you” right back at them. If you’ve got a dysfunctional family (and who doesn’t?), this wreck may make you feel a tiny bit better.
I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!
Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.
All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:
Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.
I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.”
“But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.
Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:
Well, if it isn’t the PR train, right on time! No – that’s unfair. I’m sure this is a totally real relationship that wasn’t cooked up in the office of two half-drunk publicists named Carol and Sheila. On Monday, Kate Hudson’s people announced that her snatch was saying sayonara to her baby daddy Matt Bellamy after 4 years and one kid together, which was followed shortly by the rumor that she had moved on to toe-tapping human snapping turtle Derek Hough. And now UsWeekly is saying that it’s time to think of a nickname for these two (Kough? Deraté?), because they were caught making out in public.
A source (a confused Goldie after waking up from a 2pm wine nap) claims to have spotted Derek and Kate kissing at a restaurant on Friday night. Of course, there are no pictures of it happening, because we all know that if Derek the Dancing Machine spots a camera, he’s programmed to stop whatever he’s doing and bust out some sweet moves to make your granny swoon. But even if there were pictures, I’d still scream FAAAAKE! because a speedy slut like Kate would never waste time making out with a dude. Now, if that source claimed to have seen Kate and Derek fucking at the table as Kate motioned to the waiter that she’d like more bread, then I’d believe it’s real.
And to be honest, I’m all for Kate and Derek getting together, if only because I want them to have a kid and name it something super dramatic. Kate likes to give her kids alliterative comic book-sounding names (Ryder Robinson, Bingham Bellamy), so my money is on “Harvey Hough”. Harvey Hough: plucky reporter by day, ballroom-dancing superhero by night!
Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy of Muse got engaged in 2011 after a year of being together and three months later, she gave birth to a boy they named Bingham Hawn Bellamy (That will always sound like the name of a really pretentious law firm Connecticut). After months of rumors claiming that they are done with looking at each other’s faces, Kate’s rep tells People that they canceled their engagement a long time ago and they’re no longer a thing, but they’re going to remain the BEST of friends for the sake of their child and blah blah blah burp blah fart blah:
“Kate and Matt have been separated for some time now. Despite this, they remain very close friends and committed co-parents.”
Kate was married to Chris Robinson for 7 years. Their son Ryder Robinson is 10.
Before Kate “settled down” with Matt and started raising Bingham with him, she put serious miles on her coochie’s odometer by jumping on trick after trick. She was one of my slut icons. So since Kate is not the one to give her vagine a break, UsWeekly says that she’s already getting on human Ken Doll Derek Hough. Kate and Derek have been friends for a while and a source tells UsWeekly that they “hooked up” this past weekend:
Sources tell Us that Hudson and Hough were together this past weekend at the Nice Guy Restaurant in L.A. One eyewitness tells Us that the stars ate dinner, drank, and stayed past closing.
Two things: I’ve eaten dinner, drank and stayed past closing at a restaurant (Side note: The employees at T.G.I. Friday’s don’t like it when you do that) with friends that were girls before and we didn’t scissor afterward. So I don’t know how Kate and Derek having dinner together proves that they’re hooking up. Also, if Kate is dating Derek Hough, then I take back what I said about her not being the type to give her vagine a break . Because “dating” Derek Hough is one way of telling the world that you’re giving your chocha some time off.