When I heard that the theme for the 2016 Met Gala was technology in fashion, I naturally assumed an artsy ~fashion~ type like Lady Gaga would go all-out. I was expecting she’d show up looking like C-3PO’s art school sister in a full-body rhinestone-encrusted gold-plated mech suit that was so heavy and would make walking so impossible, it would take her almost an hour to walk up the red carpet. But then she showed up in…this? Did she forget the Met Gala was that night? I’m not saying it’s bad, but it’s basically one of Britney’s Piece of Me bras, a bedazzled waist trainer, a pair of pewter panties, fishnets, a bootleg pair of Naomi’s fall-down heels, and your nana’s favorite sparkly casino jacket. It’s all very “Uh…sorry, what was the assignment?”
And that’s to say nothing of what’s happening on her facial area, which I think can best be described as “Paloma Faith YouTube makeup tutorial.” Gaga also did this at the Met Gala:
Kate Hudson doesn’t seem to mind. In all likelihood, she was probably just asking Gaga to help her warm it up for her a little in case she decided to take a bare-assed butt selfie in the bathroom for her part-time boo Nick Jonas. Nobody wants a butt full of goosebumps, after all.
Here’s more of Gaga looking like a yard sale Spectra doll and Kate Hudson wearing what appears to be a dress from the David’s Bridal x Edward Scissorhands capsule collection. Also included is Kate Hudson “trying” not to flash her coochie while arriving at an afterparty. Someone get Kate a glass of water, she’s clearly very thirsty!
Since Kate Hudson is hawking workout clothes and trying to be all sporty and shit, it’s time for all of her to get completely on brand and that includes the tastes of her legendary coochie. So it makes sense that Kate Hudson might be climbing aboard the 6’5″ football playing mountain named J.J. Watt. Kate Hudson’s chocha needs a travel blog NOW, because I really want to see the places it visits.
Kate Hudson may have either finally dropped Nick Jonas as a fuck buddy, or she has temporarily pushed that Jonas peen to the side. Because everyone seems to think 36-year-old Kate may have started dating 27-year-old J.J., who plays for the Houston Texans. Kate and J.J. are the ones who started the dating talk. I guess they wanted everyone to know that they were on a date, because last night, J.J. made an appearance on one of her Snapchat videos during dinner at a restaurant. The video is annoying, but J.J. calls it a “date.”
UsWeekly says that this morning, Kate put up another Snapchat video where she brought up the date while hanging out with her son Ryder. At one point, Kate said to him, “How does it feel that mommy got to sit next to J.J. Watt at dinner?”
Okay, but who in the hell Snapchats during a date?! If the date is going good, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table. If the date is going bad, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table (because doing that is better than talking to his boring ass). I am disappointed in Kate! But well, maybe she posted that video, because she wanted to let us, her slut disciples, know that she’s still out there and isn’t tied down to Jonas peen. That makes sense. I should never question the thirsty ways of Kate Hudson!
Pic: Men’s Health
Before we get into the Mother’s Day, the latest holiday-themed movie by Garry Marshall starring a fuckload of famous people, we need to talk about that thing on Julia Roberts’ head. From what I gathered while watching the trailer for Mother’s Day (which doesn’t come out on Mother’s Day), Julia Roberts plays some kind of power bitch book author named Miranda Collins. We don’t know her backstory, but it looks like “Miranda Collins” (real name: Darlean McKringle) shops exclusively in the Jessica Simpson section of Macy’s and sold her first book by claiming she’s Jackie Collins’ long-lost cousin.
Julia is only in the trailer for about six seconds, but it’s long enough to find out she’s probably the birth mother of sad yoga girl (played by Britt Robertson), because – as Miranda tells Jennifer Aniston – she was too busy with her career instead. Um, DUH. You don’t have time for kids when you’ve got such an exquisite head of hair to look after. Styling your hair into a perfectly smooth penis-shaped bob takes time, Jennifer.
As you can see, everyone is in this. Jenny, Julie, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Hudson (I bet the reason she’s so flustered at the 1:13 mark is because her parents walked in on her taking a pussy selfie for Nick Jonas) and Timothy Olyphant.
Out of all the stories in the trailer, it doesn’t seem like there’s one that truly represents the real experience of Mother’s Day. I’m of course referring to that moment of terror when you realize you forgot to make brunch reservations and realize you’ll have to have brunch in your house. “Happy Mother’s Day! Feel free to help yourself to a mimosa. Why yes, that is leftover white wine and orange juice I bought from Starbucks. Breakfast will be served just as soon as I open this Luna Bar.”
Nick Jonas and Kate Hudson were supposedly casual fuck buddies for a minute last year and after they took a break from each other’s genitals, she lured him back into her parts by posting a picture of her nalgas on her assistant’s Instagram page. They’re apparently back to doing each other again. Nick did an interview with Kerensa Cadenas of Complex and she says that she got drunk, so she was completely fuck deficient when she came out and asked him if he’s humping on Kate Hudson’s coochie.
“Are you having sex with Kate Hudson?”
“Umm,” he laughs. “You know, it’s interesting. You’re allowed to ask me whatever the fuck you want and I’ll answer it, or not.”
“You’ll answer it in whatever ways it fits.”
“Kate’s incredible. We had an unbelievable connection as two humans who just admire things about each other, and see something in each other that’s beautiful. Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection. Even now I have so much admiration and respect. She’s amazing.”
Let’s break down the last part of Nick’s comment:
“Kate’s incredible” = “We had sex.”
“We had an unbelievable connection” = “We had sex.”
“…two humans who just admire things about each other” = “She loved the d and I loved the p.”
“I’m not going to say if we had sex or not” = “We had sex.”
“Even now I have so much admiration and respect” = “We still have sex every now and again.”
And Kate Hudson would be into a dude who says shit like “beautiful connection” and “humans who just admire things about each other” instead of just saying, “Yeah, we fucked.”
Kate Hudson’s ASSistant posted this picture of her putting her nalgas on display in a bathtub all the way back in November and no one really saw it until today when UsWeekly wet farted up the story behind her behind.
Kate supposedly started dropping her 36-year-old cooze on Nick Jonas’ 23-year-old peen back in September, but things were only casual and they stopped bumping it for a while. A source tells UsWeekly that Kate wanted to lure Nick back into her fuck parts so she got her assistant to post a picture of her cub bait ass on Instagram. I know, there’s so much water in that tub and yet she’s still thirsty. Since Nick is a gold medal-winning gay baiter, Kate should’ve written “Gay Club Here” over her butt cheeks if she really, really wanted him to pay a visit to her ass.
Kate’s Jonas bait worked because they’re doing it again. Kate’s uncensored ass crack is after the jump.
“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.
Over two WHOLE weeks ago, Kate Hudson and professional gay baiter Nick Jonas were in Orlando together and anybody who has been to Orlando knows that there’s only two things to do there: go to amusement parks and fuck. Kate and Nick went to Disney World and everyone guessed that they sexed on each other too. Well, that was two weeks ago and it looks like they’re still boning. I’m actually surprised, because I would’ve guessed that by now, Kate would’ve tossed that Jonas piece into the pile of boy toys and we would’ve heard an “ouch” coming from one of Madonna’s ex-toys after Nick landed on him.
Kate was at some event a few days ago when a reporter type asked her if her coochie is getting a few servings of Jonas dick. She didn’t want to talk about it.
And on Oct. 13 at the La Mer: Celebration of an Icon event in Hollywood, Hudson expertly avoided the question while speaking to Us Weekly and other reporters, saying, “Oh god, yeah, oh yeah…see ya later.”
“Oh god, yeah, oh yeah….see ya later” pretty much sums up 99% of my sexual experiences.
And last night, Kate and Nick partied at a club in NYC together and left just seconds after each other. When a famous ho leaves a club seconds after another famous ho does, that means they’re totally licking each other’s parts.
Kate and Nick aren’t saying whether or not they’re fuck buddies, but their outfits say everything that needs to be said. Kate left her hotel in NYC this morning in a ugly Canadian tuxedo and a 90s red shirt from Charlotte Russe. She was probably so broke off and dozed off from doing a Jonai that she let her stylist throw absolutely anything on her damn body.
Since Cameron Diaz is still married to that Madden brother and my former home wrecking hero Sienna Miller is a wholesome mom now, we have to count on Kate Hudson to be Hollywood’s premiere tramp who makes all of us sluts proud. But the latest move her chocha made has truly made me squirt out a load of HUHs. Who cares about water on Mars? The real BREAKING news of the day is that Kate Hudson is supposedly fucking a Jonas Bros.
When Kate and Matt Bellamy broke up last year, she moved on to Derek Hough, which was weird to me, but I figured that she was dabbling in the beard game. But bumping her 36-year-old coochie against 23-year-old Nick Jonas is seven stacks of random. TMZ says that Nick did a show at the House of Blues in Orlando over the weekend and Kate joined her maybe fuck piece in Florida. TMZ has pictures of them at Disney World together and pictures of them at brunch in Miami. Their sources say that Kate and Nick aren’t “dating,” but her legendary vagine has definitely visited his peen.
And here’s the pictures of them at brunch in Miami:
Kate is giving you the smug face of a trick who just boned the purity cock ring off of a Jonas Brother and wants you to know. And Nick is making the face a worn out youngin’ makes when he’s trying to hold down the hungover barfs after spending a night trying to keep up with Kate Hudson in the booze and boning department. Kate is going to eat that chicken ALIVE.