As I said in Night Crumbs on Friday, my dog has the sicks and he’s still down and out, which is why I’ve been MIA most of today. I know he’s really down and out, because while driving in the car this morning, an Ariana Grande Latte song played and he didn’t even have the energy to throw me a, “Bitch, why aren’t you changing this shit. I’ve been through enough,” look. I was at the vet with him for a huge chunk of the day and he’s still there. While we were waiting to see the doctor earlier, I was scrolling through pics on my phone and my eyeballs got a serving of Nicole Kidman and Jude Law at the NYC premiere of their movie Genius last night. Don’t worry, I covered my screen while looking at these pictures. I didn’t want my dog to get even more sick from looking at Nicole’s “Miss Kitty after getting ran over by a wagon while going to a funeral” dress. That would be cruel!
So this will be my last post of the day and tomorrow may be a lighter day for me as well, depending on how things go today. For now, I leave you with more pictures of Jude smuggling two bottles of rum in those wide ass pants and Nicole wearing what looks like a messy fight between a goth ice skater’s costume, a slutty toddler’s funeral dress and a black bordello lamp. None of them are winning. These pictures also proved to me that Nicole Kidman is un-meltable, because she’s standing that close to Jude’s piping hot burnt skin and there’s not even one drop of water trickling down her ice face.
Jude Law is back in Venice, Italy shooting that HBO series where he plays a young Pope. I have a feeling that there’s much more to the plot than just Jude Law being a pope whose dick bush hasn’t completely turned a bright shade of white yet. I bet that halfway through the series, we’ll find out that Jude Law isn’t human at all. He’s actually an Old Navy mannequin who left the retail game to live out his dream of being the head bitch of the Catholic church. I mean, that’s the only explanation for why Jude Law has forty layers of thick car paint on his face and it looks like he can only clean his plastic silver fox hair with Windex. This isn’t the Young Pope. This is the Mannequin Pope. He looks like a middle-aged Max Headroom as the Pope
That being said, I still would, but only if he keeps that Catholic yarmulke on his plastic hair.
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
Jude Law can now show people with his whole hand how many he children he has. Ironically, that hand gesture also doubles as a warning, as in – Jude Law, stop fathering so many damn kids, five is enough. Back in October, news rang out that virile daddy Jude Law had knocked up his one-time piece Catherine Harding with his fifth kid, and now People says that baby is finally here. Jude’s rep released a statement to People yesterday about Jude’s newest kid, a little girl, and it sounds like someone clearly didn’t complete their six-week PR correspondence course, because she never mentions whether or not her client is “over the moon” about her:
“I can confirm the arrival of Jude Law and Catherine Harding’s daughter. Both are delighted and continue to ask that their privacy and that of their child be respected.”
No word on what the baby’s name is, but if the names of Jude’s other four kids (Rafferty, Iris, Rudy, Sophia) are any indication, baby number 5 has an 75% chance of being named something very fancy and British-sounding. My guess is either Imogen or Cressida or Tea Biscuit Poppy Petal, but that last one only counts if Jude has access to a copy of The Bob Geldof Book of Baby Names.
Now let’s start the countdown to the next announcement from Jude Law’s PR person that Jude Law has knocked up another random one-night-stand. “Yeah, they might want to just start using a form letter” agreed his overactive sperm.
I don’t know if that’s his jizz face or if that’s the face he makes every time he finds out he’ll have to write another child support check every month.
Condoms: Jude Law still doesn’t know how they work. Because Jude’s rep tells People that he one again bareback boned a baby into a woman’s uterus. Soon a fifth child will stare up at his shiny Tetris hairline and call him daddy. The latest member of The Jude Law Baby Mother Club is a woman named Catherine Harding and she and Jude might’ve had on of those “Um, not only did you leave your toothbrush at my apartment, but you left a baby in me too,” conversations after they broke up. Because they’re no longer a thing. Jude’s spokeswhore gave this statement to People:
“I can confirm that Jude Law and Catherine Harding are expecting a child together in the spring. Whilst they are no longer in a relationship, they are both wholeheartedly committed to raising their child. They consider this a private matter and other than this confirmation no statement will be made. I ask that you respect the privacy of all parties involved and their families.”
Jude and his ex-wife Sadie Frost have three kids together: 18-year-old Rafferty, 12-year-old Rudy and 13-year-old Iris. Jude also made a daughter named Sophia with model type Samantha Burke 5 years ago. Samantha was apparently a two-night stand and Jude found out long after they stopped talking that she was knocked up. So basically, Jude Law sucks at the whole “hit it and quit it” thing.
And Hugh Grant, you’ve been challenged.
The head whores from the now-shuttered literary journal of integrity The News of the World are currently on trial for hacking into cell phone voicemail boxes to get stories, and one of the reporters, who pleaded guilty and is now a witness for the prosecution, testified about the time they got into Daniel Craig’s voicemail. According to the NYDN, the former reporter Dan Evans testified that in 2005 he got into Daniel Craig’s box (not like that, Dan wishes) and listened to a voicemail from a chick who said, “Hi, it’s me. Cannot speak. I’m at the Groucho (Club) with Jude. I love you.” It was from my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller!
Before The News of the World published the story of Sienna passing her poon to Daniel Craig while she was still with Jude Law and he was with Satsuki Mitchell, Dan was told to cover his tracks. Dan’s bosses told him to make a copy of the tape and drop it in a plain bag before taking it to the reception desk so it’d look like an untraceable anonymous tip. (Side note: Untraceable anonymous tip is a really professional name for a glory hole dick.) The London Standard says that when Jude Law took the stand yesterday, he was asked about fighting with Daniel Craig after he found out that Daniel dipped his dick in Sienna’s layer cake. Jude found out about it when he was at his sister’s wedding and immediately called Daniel up to bitch that fellow man slut out:
He said he immediately rang Craig, who was in Baltimore, to question him about it. “No doubt you expressed your views?” asked defence counsel Timothy Langdale QC. “I did, yes,” Law replied. “Did you make any reference to his then-girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell?” asked the QC, who is representing former NoW editor Andy Coulson.
Law said: “I don’t remember if that was her name, but more than likely yes. We had known each other for many, many years, so the conversation took all sorts of turns.”
Mr Langdale asked: “Were you indicating to him that he ought to tell her about this?” Law replied: “Yes, I think that’s correct, I did.”
My question is, did Sienna hump on Daniel before or after Jude got with the nanny?
Layer Cake came out in 2004 and Jude Law got caught with his dick in the nanny’s cookie jar in 2005, but the Daily Mail says that Sienna boned Daniel Craig to get back at Jude for cheating on her. So we’re really supposed to believe that Sienna and Daniel made it through Layer Cake without bumping wet parts in their trailer and they didn’t bone each other until a year later? That doesn’t make any sense. Whatever, what we do know is that Sienna was jumping from Craig dick to Jude dick and Daniel Craig was jumping from Satsuki coochie to Sienna coochie and Jude Law was jumping on all the coochies. It was a big slut stew. Meanwhile, Satsuki was at home watching the dinner she made for Daniel get colder and colder. 🙁
And praise be to Sienna’s vagine! Just when I start to think that it’s done all and seen all, it exceeds my expectations. I just want to lie on a velvet chase with it and hold my bated breath as it slowly tells me the secret to life and shows me its ways.
Okay, there’s actually three reasons to watch the trailer for Dom Hemingway. The first is for Demian Bichir, because when he makes an angry face, my nipples get the vapors, pass out and I have to bring them back by slapping them around and/or rubbing smelling salts all over them. The second is for Jude Law’s Batman helmet hairline. The third is for what happens at around the 1:15 mark. It’s slightly NSFW unless you’re Tommy Girl’s assistant and then it’s required viewing and he’ll write you up if you don’t print out a screen shot of that moment and serve it to him with lunch.
And if it’s way too early in the week for you to exert yourself by pressing play and finding the 1:15 mark, I’ve capped it for you and it’s after the cut. Continue reading