Pour one out for J.K. Rowling, whose cup used to runneth over with cash, but now merely dribbles over with cash in slightly smaller denominations. Variety reports that Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, the third film in the FB franchise, has opened to the lowest box office debut of any Harry Potter related movie to date. And by “pour one out” I mean, empty the rest of whatever swill you were drinking before cause we’re popping bubblies! Because even if J.K. is just $1 poorer for it, haha, serves her right. We may not be able to “cancel” her, in the modern sense of the word, but at least we can act a little smug about the fact that FB3 only made “a muted $43 million” in its domestic box office debut, down from $74M and $62M made by its 2 predecessors. At this rate, by the time Fantastic Beasts 8: The Menstruating Machlyes comes out, she’s going to be so poor she can’t even afford free speech!
Because some people have no interest in overcoming subtitles and you can almost always count on English dubbing to end up looking a mess, Hollywood continues to remake successful non-English movies with English-speaking actors, to varying degrees of moderate success or abject failure. So no one should be that surprised that Hollywood bought the remake rights to the very successful and Oscar-winning Danish comedy-drama Another Round. But the shock here should be reserved for the fact that they’re not letting Mads Mikkelsen come back and do it all over again, but that it sounds like Leonardo DiCaprio will take his place.
The final nail in the coffin containing Armie Hammer’s movie career has been hammered in so forcefully, that not even a rich, moderately attractive white man of mediocre talents could ever hope to one day pry it loose. One hopes. Variety reports that Armie’s just been dropped from the last film he was still attached to after multiple accusations of morally reprehensible, and possibly criminal, sexual proclivities came to light. Armie was slated to star in a movie called Billion Dollar Spy opposite Mads Mikkelsen. But don’t worry — I have an idea. Mads took over for Johnny Depp in Fantastic Beasts. Therefore I propose that Mads takes over for Armie and play both roles, they tweak the script, and call it Billion Dollar Parent Trap. Problem solved, everybody wins! Well, except for Armie, but who cares?!
Some fans of Johnny Depp have been screaming for Amber Heard to get pink-slipped from the Aquaman sequel and Johnny also reportedly tried to get Amber fired. Well, Johnny and his fans may have gotten their wish but it has nothing to do with Johnny Depp. It’s been reported that Amber has lost her role as Sexy Fish Lady In An Off-Brand Ariel Wig (aka Mera) in Aquaman 2 after failing her physical exam.
Mads Mikkelsen Confirms That He’s Replacing Johnny Depp In “Fantastic Beasts” And Wishes Johnny Well
A few days after a London High Court judge ruled that Johnny Depp is a “wife beater” and The Sun wasn’t committing libel when they called him that in the headline of a story about him physically attacking his ex-wife Amber Heard, Warner Bros. said to Johnny what Johnny regularly says to shampoo: “Your services are not needed.” Johnny was dropped from the Fantastic Beast movies. There was talk that Mads Mikkelsen is going to replace Johnny, and he’s now confirmed it and blew air kisses of support at Johnny. And yes, the stuffed pussy friend in that picture is judgementally thinking, “Mads, honey, do you need a check that bad? Is that why you signed up for those movies? I could’ve loaned you a few coins, girl.”
There really isn’t much Warner Bros could do at this point to entice me to see Fantastic Beasts 3 considering my personal feelings l about J.K. Rowling (nosy bigot, nerd), Johnny Depp (court certified “wife beater”, greasy teeth and hair), and Eddie Redmayne (looks like Albert Nobbs, #NotMyMarius), but hiring my favorite Danish snack food, Mads Mikkelsen (tastier than Smørrebrød, would let him cannibalize my labia a little) is a start. According to Deadline, Mads is currently Warner Bros’ first choice to replace Johnny Depp as Grindelwald in the movie, which is already in production. If that happens, and they can get the coronavirus under control to the point where I can take a plane trip of at least 8 hours, then I MIGHT consider watching it until the Klonopin and tonic kicks in. I might. But only for Mads.